M/s 24/7

Our third has a primary. This person has a personality disorder and addiction issues. Our third doesnt see it. 

At its core their relationship is very abusive.  

Often that abuse spillls over into how they act with us. 

When our third spends a lot of time with their primary - their behavior markedly changes. 

They get manic, defensive, fearful. 

Thats what happened last Friday and spilled into Saturday. Their primary went nutz with the drug seeking which ended in a 5 hour drive as they went from dispensary to dispensary. The primary was unfit to drive. 

That being said- its their  choice to stay in the relationship.  

It boils down to how much more tolerance I have. 

For right now I am going to keep pulling away.  Keep moving forward. Less time. Less talking. More  working on the self. More filling the time and emotion with change. Get myself strong enough to be able to stay away when the inevitable break happens. 

Thank you everyone for listening. 

This has been a long journey. 

Our third and I are drifting apart. 

Some days I  am really okay with this. 

Today it hurts. Real deep.

  I actively started pulling away about 6 months ago. 

I stopped talking. I stopped offering.

I made myself start focusing on other things. 

They didn't notice. 

Then last Friday  I needed them. I really and legitimately needed them. 

Being unemployed we are bouncing off shit. The neighbors are feeding the horses. Everything is on the verge of being shut  off. 

What little I can scrap from under the table jobs has kept the wolves at bay to this point. But not by much. 

I needed to get papaerwork into the unemployment office by Friday end of day. We couldnt afford faxing. Our scanner died. 

Im trying not to have a nervous breakdown as we have no health benefits and the neighbor made a special trip to our place just to say he was going to shoot our dog. 

Add this to the mortage increase of 200$ a month and a debt in escrow to the tune of 900$ due by January 1st. 

My beloved cant stop having nightmares. Which is one thing- because-- and I am taking a deep breath here----  I havent slept in days and the one time I did sleep I attacked my beloved in my sleep. I was deeply greatful that her screams woke me.

The next 6 months determine pretty much everything about our lives. Whether or not we lose the house and the horses. Whether Obsidian has to fold. Basically if the accident claims the rest of my life or not. 

The stress has been over riding. I needed our third to step up. To say - I  got you. 

I didnt ask for money.  I didnt ask for food. I didnt ask to be saved.  I needed papers scanned to me so I  could upload them to the unemployment site. I was ten minutes away. 

I knew when I  called the answer was going to be a  no.

But it broke me. It broke me deep. 

Then when I found out that  they had spent their afternoon tracking down pot for a friend. Not busy at work like they said. I had no more fucks to give. 

I needed this. I needed this badly. 

I know its time. Its past time. Its been past time for a while. 

I just havent had the guts or the energy  or the ability.

Since the accident I have been holding on trying to fight for a life I dont have any more. 

I have always said that a relationship lasts until their is no hope. There may still be love, lust, desire, fun- but when the hope dies its over. 

So here I am. Lost. Spent.  Trying to keep my head above water with concrete shoes. 

Thanks for listening. 

Hello all! 

I have been offered a job. The extent of the contract verbally last night. Waiting for the paperwork to come through. Thank you all hear on the cage for all your support!

I had such a great time! I teach an instagram live feed class every Sunday 10 AM MST. 

Today was poor and proud in BDSM. 

I had the best time!!!! 

I talked about candor, how to go to events on no money, how to more objectively look at others dungeons and toys.  

I walked around our dungeon and talked about each piece of equipment we have. I talked about our rack and how many of our toys were gifts. 

But most importantly I talked about being honest about being poor with others-- and how many times that conversation alone will bond you for life. 

I am on cloud 9-10-11!!! 

So. I got fired today. 

But I also got published. 

Enjoy:

https://yourkinkyfriends.com/2019/11/11/bdsmmasterbear

Nope. 

Ill look over my comments later. 

Just sitting here. 

Taking it in. 

Love you guys 

Nailed it. Tired. 

Now we wait.  

I know my place but, i cant help but feel optimistic.  

Here was my speech: 

Being a bear for me is about taking up space. Physical space, emotional space,  vocal space. And everything about this competition is about living large. Not just living large but encouraging others to live large.

Last year I talked about creating a place at the community table for marginalized people. And this year I'm talking about creating a  place at the community  table for marginalized people and letting them take up space there.

Matter how small Society tells you you are, and sociiety lives to do that. Because  of  how you look, who you love, what you do you, or where you worship. You have a right to take up space.

speak out.

speak up.

Stand your ground

And never accept an invitation to somewhere you are expected to be a diminished version of yourself.

Take a lesson from the patch and live your best life large

I got the best question. 

If I had a million dollars,  how many subs would I have?

My answer:  only one. Because not only is My beloved my heart, she is my life. 

Now I'm ready for the speech. 

Im going over it. 

Im ready. 

The casual wear is done. 

I am in my physique wear. 

Basically topless except chains. 

And black pants. 

Everyone is ready. 

They do the questions with physique. 

After this is the speech. 

Im ready. 

My beloved is surrounded by friends.  

I have given strict instructions.  My beloved must be surrounded at all times. Can go no where alone. 

And she is. They are validating her so much. 

I love this night. I love this moment. 

No matter the outcome.  

I am holding this monent in my heart. 

Behind the scenes.

Timing speeches. 

Helping create speeches. 

Im ready