A Rough Start

This past week, I was finally able to meet a Dominant in person for the first time.

It was so intense... I didn't even need to touch him to feel that Dominant energy just radiate off him. I could bearly make eye contact with him, just because the way he looked at me, the way he spoke...

Durring our time together, I had to fight the erge to reach out and touch him. Not knowing if I was aloud to, but in desperate need to do so. I fought with my hands, shoving them in my pockets, idly playing with my cup. Anything to keep from overstep my bounds.

Then came the time to leave... But before that time, he had said he had a gift to give me. So we walked back to his car. Climbing in, I could feel a shift in the air between us, and hear the quickening of our breath.

He reached back behind me, making my heart race. As he pulls  something out and offeres it to me. That something.... was my first toy. 

My heart raced as I touched the leather, stroking it as my breath quickened.... and my panties were soaked. I couldn't fathom what I was holding in my hands. As I looked down, it finally hit me.

I had my very own crop... And I wanted to use it bad.

After my Daddy Dom left... I was feeling so broken inside. Questioning everything that this lifestyle had thrown at me.

Broken down, anxious and confused... I was hurting bad. 

And then just like he always does, he decides shows up again. My first love, my comforter, my best friend... my ex.

Things seem to be going back to exactly how things were before.... Promises of never ending love and a willingness to please. All of his vanilla love and more.

I feel myself relaxing around him again. Willing to let myself fall in love...

But...then it hits me.... This isn't what I want anymore.

I don't want a man who would be willing to change who he is just to please me, to agree with anything I say. A man who would submit to me without a second thought....

Any girl would be lucky to have such a man in their life. But why don't I feel that way?

My inner sub already knows the answer, and she slaps me with the reality of it all.

You may love him, but to have him submit to you makes your stomach turn.

You are not a Dom, and you will never be. You are not the same woman you were when the two of you met, and you know who you are.

You needed to be Dominanted... You are a submissive. And after getting a taste of that vanilla life again, it's never been more clear.

Now all is left is to break that mans heart.... And give into the truth. While you do love him, there is a part of you that he could never satisfy.

It's time to let him go.

The monster that controls my life....

The distortion of my reality

The keeper of my secrets

The killer of the flame of lust and love

The fuel to my vice like grip, the need for control.

I want you gone from my life, slayed and thrown away!

No more being haunted by your presence

I choose happiness and contentment.

I choose to trust and love

I choose to be open and trusting

No more being haunted by my past, but looking to the bright future!

I choose to be free

As I look in the mirror, I begin to get that horrid feeling I haven't felt in such a long time.....

Disgust, shame, and the feeling like every picture I share with my Dom is a lie.

All because he gets to see the better parts of me....not the parts that I hideaway.

Yes, I love to show off my body for my Dom. Yes, I feel sexy for him. But not when I feel ashamed to even look at the rest of my body. 

The disgust from all the stretch marks, the folds of flesh... and the dreaded fat and skin that hangs from my midsection.

The one an only part of my body that I hide in shame from absolutely everyone.

And by hiding this part of me, I feel like a giant lie.... like a disgusting blob... a monster. 

I'm tired of feeling this way! Tired of being ashamed! Tired of focusing on my flaws and not doing anything to fix them.

I want to be able to walk into a room and not feel like my flaws are the first thing that everyone sees. To be able to walk around in a swimming suit and not feel like I'm about to crawl out of my own skin as peoples gaze falls on me.

I want to feel comfortable in wearing absolutely NOTHING at all!

But for this to happen... something has to change.... It's now or never

As I have continued my journey to becoming a submissive, I have started to look into myself for insite. Why do I want to be a submissive? What do I want from a Dom? Is this the kind of life style I still want?

Firstly, the thing that drives to be a submissive is the need to get out of my own head. To have someone else take over for a while, let my mind be at their control. But secondly what I really want from a Dom is support, emotionally and physically. The one thing I crave more than anything, and don't normally get from others.

Having someone to lean on and talk to when times get tough. To support my ambitions and push me to be more. Someone in my corner.

I try talking to Doms...

But then I get attached way to fast. I feel the need to back away, control my feelings and emotions. Keep myself from getting attached out of fear of being abandoned. Or reach out continusly, just to keep some control.

I just feel like I'm to messed up for any kind of relationship to work.

Which makes me question weither or not this life style is for me. 

As I further my journey to becoming a submissive, I find myself developing new cravings. I crave to touch, to taste... and most of all, show off. Only to my Dom of course, but its almost a daily need. To have his words caress my body, his hungry eyes run over my skin. All to satisfy my lust... For him.