Do you want me? Am I worth it? Should I give up and try again later? Am I pretty enough? Have I been hurt to much? Am I worthy of love?
These thoughts penetrate my mind every waking day for months at a time. They come and ago as passing waves but when they come they tend to stay. I can't help what my mind says to me and what it makes me think.
Too fat. Too ugly. Too clingy. Too possessive. Too hurt. Too much of something. But not enough of everything.
It can really take a toll on someone who lives with these thoughts day in and day out. Yet I try. You'll often see me with a smile. If you get to know me well enough you'll notice it's a sad smile. The only time I really smile is for my kids. But than of course that starts the other thoughts.
Am I good enough for them? Am I doing a good job? Am I a good mother or a failure by far?
Often people tell me I'm doing amazing and how I can I agrue that? And yet I always find a way. Because these thoughts are often. Never leaving and always with me.