So I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping right now. Unfortunately, my mind hates me and won't shut down. Course, I got a few things running around at the moment...
1: Master just dropped the bomb of moving to New Mexico instead of South Carolina or Alabama in June... To be honest I really would rather not. I mean, I guess it would only be fair to be near his side of the family for once(we've always been by mine so far). I also know the change of move depends on Masters work schedule and what's best for that and getting to see more than once every 4-8 weeks. And yet? I'm feeling very apprehensive about that suggestion....
2: Been having flashes of all the memories of this area, or well my whole life around here the last 24 hours. So quick side background to this- I've gotten into kpop like crazy the last like month and a half. A particular song by my fav artist so far kinda brought this one out. "You and I are strangers with memories..." So, yeah. I have this thought to go on a photo taking spree between now and when we move(we will be moving no matter what at the end of June). Might be interesting to see a colloge of all those memories... Also, its been bringing up specific memories with exes- last ex husband in particular. Realizing that above all else dude never knew me and wouldn't know the person I am now. Im sooooo far removed from whatever he might remember of who I was.
3: Back and forth small moments of grief over all those I've lost over my lifetime. The natural deaths, the freak accedent, and (unfortunately) the suicides. Some that hit hard as hell, some that hurt but totally manageable. Again, damn songs making me emotional😢 oh, and I almost forgot one- the loss of a child that was mine in every sence of the word except biologically.... That one still hits hard time to time, especially if I randomly catch a glimps of said child.
4: not feeling good enough for my Master. General depression. Disappointment in myself. I have this voice inside that is so damn passionate about so much and yet.... I'm not following the new workout thing; had figured it was easy enough.my self-care has been shit. I'm tired like ALL the time. I wanna do better, I know I can be better. Everytime I hype myself up to do stuff, I end up saying "tomorrow", "I'm too tired right now". I wanna write more(kinda been doing a bit of that but not on my stories I got started🤦♀️). I wanna complete a finished product of every figurine I have to sell(got a little side business). I mean, I got friends and family for support of course.. Just moments like right now where I feel like no one understands how I'm feeling or would care to listen to me talk about what's on my mind. I do have a counselor, but we are working on dealing with my past trama that's cause my PTSD... Also I keep missing dancing(pole, ballet, jazz, ect). Havnt had a lesson since I was 16 and havnt danced for someone since 2011. Just so frustrated.
Not quite sure what to do with all this. Add to having to deal with stupid deer hurting my car(hopefully get my car back tomorrow) and having second round of lower back steroid shots tomorrow too.. Now I just wanna hide from all of it and sleep till I get to see Taemin in consert May2(virtual)...
Well, that's been my random crap for the day... Hope everyone is doing well.
