So came across this song cause 2 guys from a group I like did a choreography performance to it. I immediately went after the song. I haven't really taken the time to listen to it, I mean really listen to it. Just decided to do so tonight for some reason. It provokes sooooo many feels for me for so many different reasons. I imagine this song has different meanings for many people. I feel kinda Bi-polar cause of how many meanings, feelings, and thoughts that are different that run through my head with this song... Ha, duh🤦♀️ of course Bi-polar 🙄 Gotta love it when for a moment you forget your mental issues and then get reminded that hello, there it is...
I have a painting I did years ago that I feel is a good representation of what we do to ourselves inside our heads. The following is a bit of stuff to go with it.
Anyways, I have had a ruff upbringing and life in general. When I say ruff, I don't mean drugs or living on the streets or being beaten. For me it was 95% mental/emotional ruff. I feel like an old soul with all the insights I have due to the things I've experienced myself or had helped a friend/family with. I'll never say I know it all or have been through everything bad you could think of, but I do know my perspective on life and everything with it is unusual for one my age(turning 36).
I don't always talk too much of what I've gone through cause people either make me feel like I'm embeishing(when I'm not) cause I'm so young, or like what I went through was too insignificant to talk about, or I'm crazy for thinking/feeling the way I did through all of it.. I've been trying to work on this for years with only a little progress. So, after a little inspiration from a fellow sub, I've been trying to write stuff down.
So.... This song.... "Thought I found a way, thought I found a way out. But you'll never go away so I guess I gotta stay now. Oh I hope someday I'll make it out of there even if it takes all night or a hundred years..." That first few lines just stabs me right in my heart everytime. So many places I thought I found a way out of so many different ways and times in my life. Whether I'm talking physical or mental, they are both as potent as the other.
I've had to struggle in and out across different points of my life with trying to be free of someone or something, sometimes even both at the same time. I think one place everyone has at least one moment of their life that they have wanted an escape from is the mind. It's the one thing we all have in common, no matter the reason behind being "trapped". That feeling of walls inside crushing and you screaming so damn loud but not one single person can hear you.
This type of frustration is something I feel both subs and Doms struggle with on a daily sometimes. I say that because it's been shown or talked about how some go to professionals for a release- an escape from what's crowding their head. Even in a relationship, a Dom might need to do a scene with his sub to calm his mind so he can get that confidence or Dominace back that his sub expects or is used to him being. I know that there was a time where this happened with my Master and I.
It all started as just some time away from the kids. Next thing I know my Master is showing a vulnerability that he doesn't usually show. I felt so helpless at first. My heart broke to see him like that. So I did the only thing I could think of, crawled up next to him and held him. All the while I have tears leaking even as I fought so hard not to sob. He thanked me later, which made me happy that I could actually do something to help with a pain that he's had for so much lnger than we have known each other. I remember that once he seamed calmed I got a bit bratty which made him laugh for a moment before he was able slip back into the Dominate role that I thrive under.
For me personally, my biggest struggle has been my own worth and the ability to see myself as others do. I also fight with trying to re-coupe some of that attention I have always longed and begged for. I've had a few moments here and there when it's not a thought in my head. Yet, other times when I can escape the beating thoughts that I'm not good enough, not worth it, just plain poison to everyone and everything. Feelings like this are harder to push back when I've spent time with my sister and sometimes with my mom too. I tend to feel like whatever is going in with me just isn't really as big a thing or as important as I first thought... For struggling to feel important and not invisible to someone, it's actually very hard sometimes accepting that I now have this amazing Master that will give me that attention I crave as well as now having a way to safely deal with my inner stress. Gets harder to do when you have someone making you feel like your problems really aren't problems, like they don't matter and ultimately - like I don't matter.
In closing, I truly wish that everyone has at least one person they can talk to when things get too chaotic in their heads. Especially with all this Covid stuff going on, our mental health is so important. I hope that everyone is in a safe place and not stuck somewhere they fear because they have no where else to go to. Sad truth is there are alot of people that stay in toxic relationships just cause they either feel they have no other option or that they deserve it. Quick reminder: abuse of any kind is never okay not matter your age, sex, or orientation. Also, unfortunately, we can be abusive to ourselves. But, for that, we have to learn to stay away from that type of thinking/behavior. It's not easy. I wiSh everyone luck on their own journeys. Please be safe and good to yourself.