**POSSIBLE TRIGGERS. PLEASE READ WITH DISCRETION. (depression/anxiety/ect)
What do you do when you feel like those who love you don't understand what you are feeling even after trying to explain it.... Write a blog! I should be going to sleep, but I have the unfortunate "pleasure" of having mental heath issues. Worst part of that is it's been there like my whole life... You think I'd be used to friends, family, and significant others not understanding what I'm going through by now.. Apparently not.
Being in this amazing relationship with my Master I didn't really think I'd have to worry much about not really being understood... Oh how I underestimated my stupid ass mental heath😣 So now here I am feeling like shit with no real person who actually understands to talk to. I have some to talk to(including my Master) when it comes to general stuff... But when this depressive/anxiety/self-criticle shit happens? Yeah. With all the shit in my head, this crap happens when I least want it to..
Both my Master and another friend tried to give suggestions for helping myself, but even when I try to point out the holes in it, they still can't understand why it might be extremely challenging to do what they suggested. And so, I'm alone in my head as I've felt for quite a long time. I've met a few people Every so often that get it a little here and there, but usually not enough to make me feel like I can talk about anything to deal with it....
Where is that friend I need that I've always tried to be for everyone else? The one that actually listens and has understanding. The one that not just gives a suggestion, but gives it with your issues in mind. The one that is actually the to talk to when you need it and not disappear after a few lines of conversation(I'm talking about texting as that can be easier when you got a busy life)...
I've actually been trying so damn hard... Then to get blood work that's 2 months apart with not just no change, but increases😞 Feeling so defeated.. I've already been in a funk 2 weeks prior to this week cause my Master went back on the road(truck driver), had another steroud shot in my back, and my period royally kicked my ass last week. This week started a new therapy that might actually show some damn difference for once... So reeling from that cause it's intense...Then I needed to have my car fixed and then find out there's more wrong with it... And now this blood test results...
Honestly, and this like never happens, talking with my Master made my head space worse.. Feel like I'm not good enough, like what I'm feeling is just so stupid and I need to "hike up my big girl panties" and get over it, like anything I've tried so far was useless and I should have known it would be, and what is wrong with me that I can't have the same self control he has or that other people have....
I try to distract myself from the shit in there, but I always circle back to it no matter what I try. I try to make reachable goals and I still fall so damn short from those that it's almost like didn't even try. Worst part? I'm actually on meds that usually help me... Guess I'm in one of those episodes that dgaf what the meds say, they gonna screw me over...
What sucks is my track record for these type is it lasts for WEEKS... It can feel like forever before something actually clicks to change the direction... What I wouldn't give for a manic episode right now... I know it'll work itself out eventually, but inthe mean time this is gonna truly suck ass😣 One lucky thing for me is I won't be suicidal, thankfully.. I know some people aren't that lucky when it comes to these type of episodes... It did kinda start with like a sub drop but it's quickly evolved into something much MUCH darker...
Can't my head just leave me alone for once? I can't tell my Master that what he said made it a teeny tiny bit worse.. I hate hurting him or him having added stress cause he can't help me... So now idk what to do. I feel so helpless, so frustrated, so lonely... Lonely Ness due to your head being all sorts of messed up is the worst type to feel....I have all these fears that I'm supposed to "give" to my Master but again, don't wanna make his stress worse and asside from there I don't think he will get it either😞. I'm just hoping soon that I get out of this downward funk😞
