Lost in my headspace lately. I thought I was over this feeling, but this weekend showed me different. I don't know how many people, if anybody could truly understand what's going on in my head. This last weekend was so hard for me. Honestly I can't remember any being this hard before. I usually try to just focus on my boys and where we are at that point, which right now and for the future is my husband who adopted my younger son(older is an adult and didn't really care about being adopted at this point).
But for me, it has a different meaning than for my boys. I kinda got blindsighted by a post in one of my FB groups about not having a father and whatnot. Kinda felt like a punch to the gut. My bio-father was non-existant and then died when I was in 5th grade. There has only been one man that I've called Dad and truly ment it and he treated me as a daughter even after I left and divorced his son. When he died I wasn't able to grieve due to the person I was with.
So this feeling I got stuck with was of pure grief and loneliness cause I feel like noone(even my siblings) can understand what's going on in my head over this. This year I barely acknowledged the day my bio-dad died. Didn't plan to think about that this year on father's day either.
So many thoughts and feelings over al this run through my head and it's hard to put them into words. Honestly, with all the other stuff going on I have to once again shove it down under lock and key until the craziness is over or at least less than it is right now.