I got all these thoughts in my head running around playing tag. The amount of times I've cried over the last 48 hours is crazy, and it's not all about the same thing. Although, a good chunk is from the death of my nefew's father/ little sister's ex-husband. Which, of course, brought up my own father's death. Which apparently he's the center of all my main trama😞(or so my therapist tells me after a few sessions of EMDR).
Got feelings of failure. Worry about paying for final car repairs. Realizing I only got a month before I move🤯 and hardly much packing done. Recently been so into kpop it's not funny, and it's bringing up my love of dance and how much I always wanted to be a dancer. Which, of course, brings up my issue with my weight(I actually do need to loose some). Then, cause why not, my back wants to hurt like hell when I do dance even it's for only like 10-15 mins😞😞😞😞.
Worry about my health cause it feels like no matter how I try, my cholesterol and bp suck ass. Picking up whatever hours I can at work(tomorrow is my first day off in 2 weeks). Frustrations with my body being stupid with my sleep(sleeping in on workdays, therefore missing half of my first shift😣). Feeling like I might be entering manic stage: appetite almost non-existant the last week and last night only like 2 and a half hours of sleep max and I'm pretty damn perky right now.
Kinda needing a release over the stuff yesterday that's bleeding into today; might go find my boy toy. But of course, aunt flo😣😣😣😣. Feeling the dark(not suicide don't worry) thoughts that creep around the back of my mind working their way to the front. Just need a very thorough distraction to clear my mind and ground me, if only for a little while. Damn if I don't need that fucking peace right about now. It's getting kinda noisy in here.
This is what it is to live in my head lately.... But shit like this happen all the time. Welcome to my beautiful misery.....
"Thought I found a way, thought I found a way out. But you never go away, so I guess I gotta stay now.... Oh I hope someday I'll make it out of there, even if it takes all night or a hundred years. Need a place to hide, But I can't find one near. Wanna feel alive outside, I can't fight my fears.... Isn't lovely all alone, heart made of glass, my mind of stone. Tear me to pieces, skin and bone. Hello, welcome home..."
. - Lonely by Bill Eilish & Khalid
