I really hate being right sometimes... In particular that I won't be lucky enough to have a significant other that truly and really cares to understand what goes on in my head.. As much as I hate this, I'm used to it... But hey, at least in this relationship I don't have to worry about being abused or actually mistreated. I know that I'm loved very much cause he shows that all the time... He just doesn't get the crap in my head and cause there's not anything he can do to change what goes on, me trying to show him songs or whatever just isn't important enough to grasp what I'm trying to show him..
I love my Master and I know without a doubt that he loves me and wants to protect and guide me. I know that frustrates him to ko end when he comes up against something he can't change or help fix when it comes to me. The training that we have done thus far has had nothing to do with the several diagnosis of mental heath that I have. The worst part about them is therapy and meds only do so much.😞
I've been so blessed with my Master as my life only keeps getting better and moving forward to a life I've always wanted. I just wish there was something I could to help him understand me and understand that learning about what's in my head actually matters enough to make a better effort to understand it. I sent him a playlist of songs that's basically describe what goes on in my head.... Yes a bunch of the songs are in Korean or Japanese, but that's what looking up the lyrics are for. Heck just by listening to the songs you can feel some of the feelings they are trying to convay. And yet.... He still had not listened to them till I turned them on today- I gave him the playlist weeks ago😞😞
And so, welcome home my dear shadowed mask. Only real comfort I've had for life and I guess it's here to stay. So silly of me to think I could ever leave it behind. I'll survive and "be what they want me to be, what they think they see"... It's what I've always done, one of the few things I Excell at. Only behind closed doors and shuttered eyes will I be able to cradle what I truly feel inside and try to soothe it for another playing the part I've been given. Unlike the song "lovely" by Billie eillish and Khalid, I won't ever make it out of "there".... Every part of my life has proven this, so "hello welcome home." 💜