I don't wanna get out of bed. I don't wanna be awake. I don't wanna deal with all this packing that needs to be done. I don't wanna deal with figuring out what to make to eat. I don't wanna be alone. I don't wanna be near anyone. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm lonely.... I don't want to live in my head right now... But it's literally all I have.
Sent this to a friend. No answer. So I unset it. Like, rationally I know he'd answer eventually and be there for support. But, that's the problem with having all these stupid ass diagnosis... So damn many conflictions on feelings and choices and just everything.... I know I'm very loved. Got enough loved ones that show me that.
I'm on a path that's leading to the biggest change in my life: not just moving out of state, but moving half way across the us(east coast to mid west) where I know 0 people... Not even family. Ligit first time in my life. Also new weather patterns I've never had to deal with too(north vs upper south). Hotter and like 90ins less snowfall a year.
My mind is going a million miles a second and being sluggish at the same time(don't ask me how that works). I have people near me but feel completely alone. I do actually love my life right now, which makes this even more frustrating.
I'm so terrified it's not funny and I feel like I can't really say much. I know my Master will just say to give it all to him... I try so hard to not let things bother me and to trust him That everything will be okay. Logically I know he's right. And yet? I feel like I'm drowning even with the life preserver that is my support system😞
On top of all this I just got my period😞 this next week is gonna be hell... Not even sure how to deal with all this right now... It's so much and I've never had such a stressful time ever... Even when I left my exes who were abusive... I'm trying so hard to keep calm and do what I need to.. And generally I'm succeeding doing so.
I do know one thing, I got my med doc appointment tomorrow. Definitely gonna ask for something extra to try to deal with this shit. I know it's only temporary cause stuff built up like this always is. I got so damn much to do and unfortunately, I'm generally the only one who can do most of it.
Worst is I know this is gonna kick off a major manic phase.. Who knows how long it'll last. I mean I've had a semi small one since June, but that's kinda faded in a way. With all the info dropped on me the last 48 hours, I know just what that's gonna mean.. I also know there's nothing I can do about it except ride it out.
I know my Master will probably end up frustrated with me cause I know there's rules I'm probably gonna break. I hate that I can see what's coming and know that I really am gonna be basically powerless to stop it.. And why that would be if I can see it coming you ask? Cause I've already dealt with it before and I know no matter how hard I've tried fighting it I always lose.
I now I'm gonna have to warn my Master about what's coming and I know he's gonna try to say what he can to try to stop it too. And when it proves me right he's gonna feel helpless and I hate that I know that's how it's gonna be. On the other side this, I know it's just how my brain deals with high stress situations. That it's just doing what it feels it needs to so I can survive it without too much damage.
I know it's already started too, which sucks. What also sucks is I'm pretty sure even with whatever my doc tries to give me to help still won't stop the manic phase. I don't know anyone with my same issues that has ever really been able to stop a manic phase completely. Only upside I can see is I'll have the energy to get through all this and get shit done, as always when manic hits me.
It's nice having an outlet to put thoughts out of my head, even if it's for a short time. I know I'll survive cause that's what I've done my whole life: survive.
