Been busting my ass today packing. With the help of my boys I've managed to go from like 50% packed to 80-90% packed. I'm frustrated cause I've been so much on pack mode that I forgot to go get my new med my psych doc gave me🤦♀️ Gotta love manic phase🙄 I'm excited for the new chapter of my new(ish) self- since metting my Master-. The last and final step to leaving my old self behind in the past where she belongs.
And yet? I'm scared. This is literally the biggest event if my whole life. I've been married, been divorced, had kids, moved around my whole life, even did a bit of millitary service.... But this? This is on a whole other level than anything I've ever done before.
This will most definitely be the true test to see how strong I actually am. Away from familiar surroundings and old habits/friends to fall on, I'll see for real how wide I can spread my wings... Just hoping I can fly instead of fall.. Although I'd probably survive a fall as all I've ever done my whole life is survive. I'm ready to actually live for once.
I'm just a whole mix of conflicting feelings and thoughts. When anyone asks me if I still wanna go I always say yes without hesitation. When I'm alone? All those battling thoughts crawl in and make me feel like I'm at war. Logically I know it's just stupid crap, but some moments I can't help but break down crying. Wish my head would leave me alone.
So I try to distract myself... Just hope I can hold it together till my Master gets home.. I know once he's home I'll be able to relax cause he always drowns out the crap in my head. Hopefully he should be home tomorrow night... Really and truly can't wait.