I will preface this by saying, if you were looking for more information on autism, it is not here. I know very little professional information about it, thought I do know that it encompasses a wide range of conditions, and more common than you think. This is just mental exploration.
The Spectrum? Or just another variant of everyone else?
What people think when they hear the word Autism:
"Oh, she has autism, that is why she is alone"
What I think about when I hear the word Autism:
"Oh, that is why I won't settle for anything less than what I need."
Now, I have never been tested to be autistic, so I will not, and have not, ever claimed to be. I personally don't want to know, even though I am quite suspicious that I am on the spectrum at least. I do not need to be titled with something that has such a negative connotation to it. I kick ass at work and projects and planning, and I suck at emotional instability or social sensitivity. I am not incapable (Which I think is why so many people shy away from autism, they think these people are incapable), my brain just doesn't compute it in the way the majority of people do; and when socializing and connecting, I fall a tad short. I have accepted this, it is no longer a condition, but something I embrace.
I often go back and forth between: Maybe I am autistic, or maybe I am just an INTP personality. I don't much let either one define me, again, I am who I will be, not much can be done by giving it a name. I even went so far as to date someone who claimed to be on the autistic spectrum, I was very interested in how his mind worked and if I could relate, thought we could be compatible... I found out later that he seemed to just use it as a card to be played whenever he needed to get out of being accountable. So whether he was autistic, ADHD, OCD or all the things he claimed to be, I know for sure, he was just using it as manipulation, and not actually understanding his weaknesses or strengths.
So, again, I avoided learning more about autism, because I didn't want to be what someone else had projected it to be, I did not want a deck of cards that I pull out and use whenever I feel threatened. Anxiety, stress, panic disorders, depression, trauma, childhood neglect, abuse, I have/had these a lot of times, but they are not the security blanket a lot of people make them out to be. They are weaknesses, yet they also have their strengths, that lie beyond being a defense and politically correct accusation thrown at anyone who would challenge your opinion or perspective. Not to be used to deny growth as a person while you stay locked in your house of cards, letting in only the most coddling and enabling of people.
It is not, again, that I didn't have these, it is that they were negative, so why would I want anything attached to me that was going to hold me down? Life is hard enough without giving myself a false set of armor and validating my weaknesses. And when I only hold close to me the positives, I can tell you, it is much more liberating and empowering.
Anywhoo, back to finding strengths. I, many times, look at emotion as a straight line. I look at everything as a straight line. Many lines, that make things very chaotic on a grand scope, but very clear when you hone in on them. Emotions are not this thing, they are all over the place, I see them like (and yes, most things I see in my mind as pictures or relatable objects and similes) a guitar chord that has just been plucked, and you can see as it vibrates, the sound waves reverberating off the main string. I could not see this before, because where I saw a line, everyone around me saw waves and curves that I did not. Everything in my head, in my life, is an equation. Hell, the world is literally created using patterns, every atom, every molecule, is an equation or a pattern.
This has always been a problem for me. Expressing emotions is difficult, because everything in my mind is a very clear picture, or line, or equation: 2+2=4... except emotions, emotions like to be 2+2=5. So when someone is emotional and not making sense, I get frustrated. my confusion itself is confused for being emotional, because in a lot of ways, it looks the same: I cry, I yell, I get exasperated quickly, because I do not understand why you are relating things that do not belong together, trying to convince me it was my fault, when I know it wasn't, or why if it is just an equation we need to solve, anger and blame keep getting brought into it. This has always been a problem for me; which is where I have kind of been going with this long winded delve into my minds inner workings and this mental exercise. Let's face it, many of us must think there is something wrong with us plenty of times.
I am heard now, and because of it I can also hear, or see as it were, the different chords of emotion vibrating off the straight line. I am able to understand myself better, because I can see how other people understand and live their emotions. All because me and my Sir allow each other the space to be heard. Even when we disagree or an argument comes out of nowhere (but let's be honest, it is usually me getting frustrated because the 2+2 is not equaling 4!!, and not being able to express that properly...)
It has been a beautiful experience. And it has started making me realize that yes, I may be on the spectrum, and really... I love the way my mind works; but I am also so in love with the way my Sirs mind works, and how it sparks in different, beautiful ways. I don't know if it is normal to come out of arguments more enamored with someone than when you went in, just because of the way you both handle yourselves... but, that is just who I am.
What an amazing journey I am on.
~Oracle.
