I hope this doesn't hit a mark with anyone. This is probably the most "on the ball" I have been with topic of choice. And that actually terrifies me a bit.
There is a reason for that though... and that is that I actually wrote this blog 6 months ago... and never posted it. I have since (today) added to it, with the help of all you lovely people.
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I often wonder if I am a jealous person. I have been cheated on in the past, normally once I can no longer provide that "emotional" support for my partner... not that it has anything to do with that, it is just the blame game they try and pull when they have gone searching for something more "exciting". That is neither here or there. My concern is, am I jealous? I have said I am not a jealous person. I wonder if that is true. In figuring that out, I need to outline what it looks like. Is jealousy defined as the negative lashing out of accusation, or is it a simple discomfort with involuntarily forfeiting time spent with you in favor of another female? (Case sensitive)
Personally I see jealousy as the manifestation of a negative emotion. If there is no toxicity to it, I do not see it as jealousy... if I feel I am not the first option, perhaps that is more the lack of trust? I have been in relationships where a partner could be around any number of opposite sex, and I didn't care, I knew they were loyal. The caviat... I wasn't truly in love, never had been. I was content, we were happy, but in love? I had only known that once. Later. In that instance I was always jealous when he sought attention from other females. In the end, he cheated... so was I jealous because of love? Or because he didn't deserve my trust? He never put forth the action to make me confident he wasn't unfaithful. I have also been with a partner who has cheated, and I wasn't in love, again jealousy... it ended in cheating.
I have always been of the opinion (even in love) that what will happen cannot be avoided. Not so much a cheater will cheat, as my husband of 12 years only cheated at the end of it when he wanted out, not during our entire relationship. More so that no amount of my trying to fix things, us, or myself, would have kept him faithful. so I have never been overly emotional or irrational about it. So is it jealousy if it doesn't come with the volatility and negative emotion?
I wonder, because I do want to find that elusive combo, of loving someone and knowing they are loyal. And I dont know if I will be jealous when they engage with women, or if I will be proud that I know I can trust them. I know which I want... it is just hard to say I am not a jealous person, when I have been uncomfortable with it. I think it is within my right to not be comfortable with it, does that mean I have a right to be jealous. I just do not know. Maybe defining it, will help me categorize myself better...
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This was written a long while ago. November 2020, By me. In a time where I wasn't sure I could be that elusive combo for my future partner, before I even had one. Coming from something where I had never been more offended. Where jealousy ruled my thoughts often, but also because a contract was broken and I had not fully healed. I felt like this was who I was now. This bitter, forever affected person, by something that had yes, happened to me in my past, but was also so fresh and so vehement... even if the mistrust and jealousy had only affected a few months of my entire life... and my first experience with love.
I could have told you that was true. For my first purposeful relationship I had soon thereafter, I had these feelings. Those awful feelings of an LDR where I would watch for that little star to light up... and wonder who my person could be talking to. Why they hadn't sent me a message. Why, once we had decided to be "more than friends" yet not quite dynamic based, yet understanding that we were monogamous, there could be a flash of activity, and I would be left wondering when the light went out. I was jealous. I was enveloped in that mentality, oh was I ever.
I did not act upon it. I recognized it for a while. I read the above "long while ago" beginnings of a blog often... but it was all too raw for me to want to speak on. I hadn't been able to step away and process it. So there it sat: staring me in the face and laughing as it tried to force the answer upon me. I was a jealous person.
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A brief intermission to shout out to everyone who is dealing with their issues, weaknesses, flaws in real time. Who post their struggles as they face them, exposing themselves to the raw emotions and letting us see the beauty in those words. That may never be me, not because I am not still raw today, but much like my above blog: It sat there, because to me, it was missing a component. You have helped me find that missing piece. Thank you and please don't let my story diminish anything you may be fighting with personally. My heart bleeds for you and your pain.
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Back to your regularly scheduled programing. Perhaps you know where I am going with this. Maybe not. I am with this same person today. I am not jealous today. There was a point where he stopped coming around here as often, so less inbox maintenance and relationship building, not only with the opposite sex, but with other submissives. Maybe that helped, but I am going to venture out and say it had nothing to do with that.
Reasonung: It has very much been a combination of exactly what I have posted above, in the before times. The answers were all right there. I say they were not complete, but they were. However my moment in time wasn't. I had to full circle back to it. I am not jealous of this man, whom I love. He has proven in every way that I, even in an LDR, where I couldn't possibly know where or what he is doing; this man who is around new women casually and builds relationships with them. I trust him in this regard fully. Not that I can change any action by my will... again, that exists above already, but I feel; I know, that I am not jealous. I have that same feeling back of knowing a man, who regardless of how many people he surrounds himself with, I am his only one. Plus we have a dark little secret that is kink, so y'know there is that. But even among my direct comparisons, I trust his loyalty. This time, with love.
I truly feel as though I have found what I needed to know back when I first had these insecurities, so much so I wrote the blog that never became. And I would not wish that insecurity on anyone. However, I would not wish those 3 people that were in my life (yes even the loyal loveless one) on any of them either.
In closing, perhaps your insecurity is coming from never having been exposed to different, to know what it feels like to differentiate jealousy, because you always needed to be jealous around them. I hope that my comparison can help a teensy little bit in knowing that when you find it and can see and feel what different is, you can know that this time around it will be different. I didn't the first time, so I am not asking that you do at my beckoning. But it isn't you, it was your situation.
Today, you fixed me. Thank you
~Oracle
