The Muse

Enter Sandman by Metallica 

Say your prayers little one
Don't forget my son
To include everyone
I tuck you in, warm within
Keep you free from sin
'Til the sandman he comes
Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight
Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to never-never land
Something's wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of Snow White
Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon's fire
And of things that will bite, yeah
Sleep with one eye open
Gripping your pillow tight
Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to never-never land
Now I lay me down to sleep
Now I lay me down to sleep
Pray the lord my soul to keep
Pray the lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake
If I die before I wake
Pray the lord my soul to take
Pray the lord my soul to take
Hush little baby don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the beasts under your bed
In your closet in your head
Exit light
Enter night
Grain of sand
Exit light
Enter night
Take my hand
We're off to never-never land
Boo! Yeah yeah!
We're off to never-never land
Take my hand
We're off to never-never land
Take my hand
We're off to never-never land
We're off to never-never land
We're off to never-never land

Those three words

Fell from her lips

Fell to the floor just yesterday

Sinking into the cracks

Of the tiles

Snaking around each square

Like an easy maze

If only it were that easy

“It could be”

Said a voice in her head

“It could be”, she said

As her body ached

Her mind

Her heart

Everything ached

Those three words

Heavy in the air

Around her as she breathed

Through trembling lips

The taste of pain

The taste of her tears

Causing trails through her makeup

A pathetic mess

And uncombed hair

Holding fast

To nothing

To everything

Damaged People by Depeche Mode 

We're damaged people
Drawn together
By subtleties that we are not aware of
Disturbed souls
Playing out forever
These games that we once thought we would be scared of
When you're in my arms
The world makes sense
There is no pretense
And you're crying
When you're by my side
There is no defense
I forget to sense I'm dying
We're damaged people
Praying for something
That doesn't come from somewhere deep inside us
Depraved souls
Trusting in the one thing
The one thing that this life has not denied us
When I feel the warmth of your very soul
I forget I'm cold
And crying
When your lips touch mine
And I lose control
I forget I'm old
And dying

She said you smiled at her on Friday

That was the last time

Kisses hung in the air

Landing

On the cheeks of Angels

She said she’d hold on to Friday

Forever is not long enough

How long

Should that smile last

When painted in gold

She said that silence is golden

I’ve heard that too many times

When she hangs

On your words

She swings like a child

She said you smiled on Friday

I’ve heard it said, many times, that people... things ... homes... are removed from your life to make room for something better.

I was in a “stuck” state; like a bit tied to ground.  How does one fix such a problem? 

I think it really depends on the equipment.  Sometimes it is more cost effective to replace than to mend.  I’m sure you’ve heard that.  Especially with laptop owners.  There are a few things one can do to fix a laptop problem (usually replacing the hard drive is something I’ve run across a lot).  If the problem resides in the mother board.... You could be screwed.  

I am the type of person who does not like let go if there is a shred of hope that hours or days of fiddling, tinkering, or chasing highs and lows, might make it all better.  I like finding solutions. I’m a fixer. A problem solver.  My logic is USUALLY sound. ... until my emotions start to slowly grab the screwdriver.  (Capricorn with Cancer rising... the struggle is real!)

I had this one laptop that I purchased in 2010.  It went through a lot.  There was a period of 2 years it spent with all the keys ripped off the keyboard part because I just didn’t feel like going through the trouble of putting them back on.  There was a coffee incident, you see.  The laptop worked great and I would just use an external keyboard to bypass the broken one.  A band aid.  It offered a fast solution with minor inconveniences.  I found ways to make it work; albeit with struggles.

I had that laptop for 6 years.  It was a beast by the time I laid it to rest.  At least by today’s standards of laptops.  I still haven’t let it go completely.  I have the hard drive. All my work... my pictures... my hoard of data and memories.  I can’t even remember what went wrong with my laptop.  It might have been the boot sector of the hard drive.  I doubt it though.  I remember there was a problem that I couldn’t fix.  

With a sad heart and a sigh... I replaced it.

Well I suppose I’m not THAT much of a lost cause, but I was still stuck.

I met my most recent vanilla boyfriend online.  He made a lot of promises to me that, I came to realize, he would never honor.  

I am such a stubborn woman when it comes to my ego, sometimes.  My dedication to making things work... all ego.  Who would I be if I just cast all that away?  If I kicked my vanilla boyfriend out on the street with no home?  I could not separate from the thought that I’d be some kind of cold bitch.  That is not the image i wanted for myself.  I didn’t want anyone to see me that way.  How could anyone love me? How could I love myself? I hung on.  Although, hanging on... I became a cold bitch anyway. A self fulfilling prophesy. 

I even half-heartedly tried to be his Domme.  He really didn’t understand anything I was doing.  He was intoxicated most of the time at this point.  I didn’t want him anymore, but I didn’t want him hurting. Struggling. Hating me.  I just wanted US to end and him to go.  

I had a lovely home.  I didn’t want to leave it.  I was content... like I was when I was using my external keyboard. Content.  

I had a secret social life that he never knew about. I could tell everyone else but him.  I still don’t know why.  He never once figured out my kinks or bothered trying to know that part of me.  He hardly showed any interest in my soul.  I had to feed it somehow.  I was involved with my last Dom, unbeknownst to vanilla. For two years.  

I talk a lot about being meticulously honest.  Why could I not be meticulously honest with him?

Ill revisit that question later as I feel it IS important but not entirely relevant to my point. 

Vanilla was removed from my life... it happened so perfectly ... it couldn’t have happened any other way. I think my ego is relatively still intact.  <—- not sure if that’s a good thing!  I guess the ego is useful ... (another thing to revisit).

My canvas is clear, although I still feel guilty during the darkest of my moments but I am starting to admire my inner cold bitch.  My Queen of Swords.

Some of you may have noticed I have changed my role from sub to switch.  I was considering just being quiet about it but after a couple of suggestions from friends, here I am.  

I feel like the change is most appropriate and honest; especially the way I view D/s relationships.  Different people bring about different aspects of my personality.  

My first D/s relationship I had been more dominant but I identified as switch back then; leaning more towards sub. I had fantasies that were more dominant in nature.  I tucked all that away for many years.  

After the narcissist dom that I had, I made the decision to lock away my kink for awhile. My last Dom brought it back. 

I am still a “pleaser” and will always be, but I have found that it goes well with caring for someone more submissive. 

Monologue by She Wants Revenge 

Kissing a strange hand
My city like streetlamps fade
On the edge of an answer you way lust
Beginnings are made
Lover forgive me my guilt is my only crime
And ill carry it round till it breaks me down every time
This is the time of night when the moonlight shines down and we can reveal who we truly are
Within the darkest most depraved
Of joys
If your afraid to say
But you'd like to try
Just give me the safe word and take your hand
And smack me in the mouth , my love
From hunger you call and it falls upon the ears of faith
A half open mouth and the whole truth that no one would take
Pretend all you want you can cry to your hearts own beat
We will take love and swear upon the things that we just can't keep
This is the time of night when the moonlight shines down and we can reveal who we truly are
Within the darkest most depraved
Of joys
If your afraid to say
But you'd like to try
Just give me the safe word and take your hand
And smack me in the mouth , my love
This is the time of night when the moonlight shines down and we can reveal who we truly are
Within the darkest most depraved
Of joys
If your afraid to say
But you'd like to try
Just give me the safe word and take your hand
And smack me in the mouth ,
My love

by She Wants Revenge (another little gem I found)

Shake off the rain
And dry off and come inside tonight
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be, love
You've got the prettiest face I ever did see
With eyes so sad like songs
I swear I've known
And I hope to god
That you're not pretending
Cause if you are
I swear I don't know what I'm gonna do
But I promise you that I'll be good to you
If you promise that you'll try to love me too
Somehow
I'd steal a hundred kisses
Before you say goodbye
And make a hundred wishes
In the name of you and I
Cause what we have is secret
So don't let no one know
The past can't come between us
If we both just let it go
Today is the perfect day
Today is the day I tell you,
Oh... If you ever walk away
Then I would die right there
For you
Give me your every breath
And promise me your world
I don't ask for much at all
All I want is all you've got
Could you be that girl
Are you thinking of me
Or have I projected all of my hopes
On you
And I know there'll be nights filled with tears
I know that there'll be fights and fears
But that's a part of it too
So do you think I have the slightest chance to be
Everything to you
Cause you mean everything to me
I'd steal a hundred kisses
Before you say goodbye
And make a hundred wishes
In the name of you and I
Cause what we have is secret
So don't let no one know
The past can't come between us
If we both just let it go
Today is the perfect day
Today is the day I tell you
Oh... If you ever walk away
Then I would die right there
For you...
For you...

...but I make no promises, my lovelies.

Where have I been?  Popping in and out.  

I’m in the process of making ENORMOUS changes in my life; both, internal and external. 

It all started when the water heater shit itself.  This was the stone in the pond that set about causing all of my ripples.

Some of you may know that for the past 5 years, I was living with a vanilla boyfriend; or rather, HE was living with me.  I blogged about him... I can’t remember any specific blog entry titles but I’ll provide a short summary.

Vanilla is an alcoholic with severe social anxiety.  I was supporting and enabling him.  I will say that he made a wonderful house spouse, at times... but he wasn’t getting any better and I lost my romantic feelings for him for many reasons that I am not going to talk about in this blog.  The bottom line was that I needed to get him out of my life. For both our sakes.

So... rewind to the water heater.  We had no hot water.  This went on a while.  We also had several inches of standing water in the basement where the washer and dryer were.  Couldn’t wash clothes.... couldn’t do dishes without boiling water.

Now that I’ve mentioned dishes this makes me rethink the catalyst.  I lost my sister in March. She was the only other woman in my house and her little, loud, OCD self... kept that house so clean.  Aside from my sister living there... there were (are) four other men. Or boys, depending on how you want to view them.  

Vanilla and my brother in law, were the only ones home all day. My brother in law could not do much.  He is a disabled vet. That left Vanilla doing most the house work.   This was fine except when he got ahold of alcohol.  Unfortunately, with the addition of the 4th guy in the house, much spirited drink was also added.  I tried to keep up. But I was cleaning up after 4 grown men. AND working full time on night shift.

Sadly, my landlord was NOT moving to fix the hot water in any rushed sort of way.  The total time was about 2 months.  

Meanwhile... my son gets kicked out and has no where to go.  I wanted to help him but the “boys” in the house, did not like my son. They all agreed that my son could stay until he works out some other arrangement.  He even stayed in the shed.  After a week, he was told by the landlord’s nephew, one of the boys, that he had to get out in a day or two. 

This made mama bear surface.

I had been patient with the hot water thing ... far more patient than any normal person.  I took a leap of faith.  I just wasn’t going to pay rent, and I was going to find a place to live with my son.  I told Vanilla that he could join us as long as he had my back and supported me and let go of his feelings about my son.  He seemed on board, until one night after drinking quite a bit... he looked at me and said “I don’t want to leave here” .   I felt my heart leap.  I thought..  it’s happening.   This relationship is about to be over.

He wanted me to consult him first before I made a big decision like that.  He also wanted to talk while drunk.  I’m sorry but that’s a hard limit for me.  If you are going to argue... you best make it rational.. otherwise, I’m walking away and you are going to stew in your fermented juices.  

He gave me an ultimatum.  Either I talk to him or it’s over... Can you guess what I chose?

So I moved into the basement of a friend’s house and it’s a good distance away.  I also acquired a new job that is much closer.  

Im much happier now.  

I plan on revisiting my relationship with Vanilla, very soon.  

I apologize for not being around.  I usually prefer the word “apologize” instead of “sorry” .. I feel that saying “I’m sorry” is negative self talk.  

... to all the amazing Dads and Daddies I know...