I’ve heard it said, many times, that people... things ... homes... are removed from your life to make room for something better.
I was in a “stuck” state; like a bit tied to ground. How does one fix such a problem?
I think it really depends on the equipment. Sometimes it is more cost effective to replace than to mend. I’m sure you’ve heard that. Especially with laptop owners. There are a few things one can do to fix a laptop problem (usually replacing the hard drive is something I’ve run across a lot). If the problem resides in the mother board.... You could be screwed.
I am the type of person who does not like let go if there is a shred of hope that hours or days of fiddling, tinkering, or chasing highs and lows, might make it all better. I like finding solutions. I’m a fixer. A problem solver. My logic is USUALLY sound. ... until my emotions start to slowly grab the screwdriver. (Capricorn with Cancer rising... the struggle is real!)
I had this one laptop that I purchased in 2010. It went through a lot. There was a period of 2 years it spent with all the keys ripped off the keyboard part because I just didn’t feel like going through the trouble of putting them back on. There was a coffee incident, you see. The laptop worked great and I would just use an external keyboard to bypass the broken one. A band aid. It offered a fast solution with minor inconveniences. I found ways to make it work; albeit with struggles.
I had that laptop for 6 years. It was a beast by the time I laid it to rest. At least by today’s standards of laptops. I still haven’t let it go completely. I have the hard drive. All my work... my pictures... my hoard of data and memories. I can’t even remember what went wrong with my laptop. It might have been the boot sector of the hard drive. I doubt it though. I remember there was a problem that I couldn’t fix.
With a sad heart and a sigh... I replaced it.
Well I suppose I’m not THAT much of a lost cause, but I was still stuck.
I met my most recent vanilla boyfriend online. He made a lot of promises to me that, I came to realize, he would never honor.
I am such a stubborn woman when it comes to my ego, sometimes. My dedication to making things work... all ego. Who would I be if I just cast all that away? If I kicked my vanilla boyfriend out on the street with no home? I could not separate from the thought that I’d be some kind of cold bitch. That is not the image i wanted for myself. I didn’t want anyone to see me that way. How could anyone love me? How could I love myself? I hung on. Although, hanging on... I became a cold bitch anyway. A self fulfilling prophesy.
I even half-heartedly tried to be his Domme. He really didn’t understand anything I was doing. He was intoxicated most of the time at this point. I didn’t want him anymore, but I didn’t want him hurting. Struggling. Hating me. I just wanted US to end and him to go.
I had a lovely home. I didn’t want to leave it. I was content... like I was when I was using my external keyboard. Content.
I had a secret social life that he never knew about. I could tell everyone else but him. I still don’t know why. He never once figured out my kinks or bothered trying to know that part of me. He hardly showed any interest in my soul. I had to feed it somehow. I was involved with my last Dom, unbeknownst to vanilla. For two years.
I talk a lot about being meticulously honest. Why could I not be meticulously honest with him?
Ill revisit that question later as I feel it IS important but not entirely relevant to my point.
Vanilla was removed from my life... it happened so perfectly ... it couldn’t have happened any other way. I think my ego is relatively still intact. <—- not sure if that’s a good thing! I guess the ego is useful ... (another thing to revisit).
My canvas is clear, although I still feel guilty during the darkest of my moments but I am starting to admire my inner cold bitch. My Queen of Swords.