**Note: This is a prologue to part 5 of my Strong Heart series of posts... if you haven’t read those.. some of my references may be lost to you.**
Before I begin this next part I should explain a bit about my feelings and how it relates to some of my own personal kinks.
Way back when I was in sixth grade, I had a very close friend who introduced me to Dungeons and Dragons. I could be anything... Do anything... My imagination soared.
This close friend became my life-long Dungeon Master, if you will ... Or "DM" as the lingo goes. He surrounded me with magic and faeries, and elves.... He created this little universe where I could satisfy my every whim.... And because he was secretly in love with me...He made a race of playable creatures...just for me...and called the race "Muse"; thus Storm the Muse was born. (I don't want to get too into detail about Storm...as she is the main character of a novel I'm working on.)
I probably didn't appreciate the sentiment then, nearly as much as I do now, but we would play for hours and hours....I'd stay on the phone late at night and allow him to weave his stories around my little Muse.... We would role-play. Innocent role-playing eventually turned into erotic role-playing.
Back when I was married to my first husband, and AOL was just a baby, TSR (the company that owned the rights to Dungeons and Dragons), had a free-form role-playing chat room in AOL. You could go in and make a text based character and play. I thought that this was the most amazing thing EVER! I signed right up!
I soon discovered that many of the members on the site were there to do more than just play Dungeons and Dragons... They were there to make personal connections. This is actually the site where I met "Liver-Man"; and thus began my deep love of erotic role-playing.
The site and the company, went through many changes over the years. Life took me away for spells but I always found myself coming back. Probably searching to fill a void in my mundane world. The company eventually relinquished association to what the site is now but some of the original members (like myself) still gather.
As it stands today, it is a place of hedonism and debauchery... Sex....Sex sex and more sex....and I absolutely love it! Role -playing and sex. The possibilities are limitless.
I think In the back of my mind and heart I had been constantly searching for what I had with my former lover. That's what kept me coming back.
I eventually met someone new.
Now I have to sidebar for a moment and explain, I have a severely damaged "man-picker"; so sayeth my divorce lawyer. My rose-tinted glasses tend to betray me.... Frequently. I attract strays...alcoholics...jobless - do nothings...Probably in my quest to avoid finding someone cruel.
Now that the sidebar is out. This new man seemed so sweet and protective and intelligent...and he truly is...but... He loves his booze. He is also totally vanilla. He won't even role-play with me. I am not entirely sure what his purpose was for being on that site but after he got together with me, I can hardly even convince him to play just regular Dungeons and Dragons, let alone the kinky shit I enjoy. The ironic thing was that we met by erotic role-playing a scene where I was two characters; I played two women (a werewolf, and a drunken sheep herder). He said I "rocked his world" and had to know my name. That was the one and only time we ever role-played. (It just sounds worse every time I read this over)!
I forced myself to overlook all that because I felt that I was somehow cursed and I needed to accept my fate. That crazy love I felt with Mr. Liver was all in my head. It was some sort of coping mechanism my brain created to help me deal with my abusive situation. I'm still not entirely convinced of its genuineness. How could something that fantastical ...be real? It just wasn't meant for me. I had already learned many ways of being happy on my own. I was content enough that as long as my chosen mate wasn't throwing punches (verbally or otherwise), I would be fine.
He had been caring for his mother and she passed away. His stepfather kicked him out rather suddenly and he didn't have anywhere to go. I had only been seeing him for a few months at the time but I felt the urge to take him in. Sigh
Three years later, I had suffered many drunken episodes of jack-assery. He is not a mean drunk...he's just a freaking idiot. He broke his own nose one night. And for the love of God....He would never stop pestering me about little shit. One cannot have a rational discussion with a drunk man who can't even complete a coherent sentence...yet he would persist in trying. I'd have to leave the house. He would drink for days. At least until there was nothing left to drink and no money to buy more.
He had a job for a hot little second. I think he's better off with his "house spouse" status because he would spend all his money on booze...go to work drunk...drink on breaks...Just writing this all out makes me wonder how in the nine have I lasted so long with this?
I started putting my foot down more. I refused to allow the booze in the house or around me. He would just go out to the shed... Or drink in the house when I wasn't home. He really isn't an honest person (although I haven't been honest with him, either. Kinda toxic).
I understand that he suffers from anxiety, insomnia...probably a number of comorbid conditions but his choice of self medication really turned him into an episode of Jackass. I found myself saying things like, "Please don't shave the dog when you're drunk." or, "Do you really think that fifth was a good idea before you start the plumbing project?" And my personal favorite, "The riding lawn mower should not be operated when you can't even get out of bed without falling." And he wouldn't listen. ...
Why stay? I just never had the heart to throw him out. I care about his well being and I felt and still feel like he is better off this way. I'm cursed and not meant for greater things...right? Actually it has a lot to do with the difference between joy and happiness. (More on that later).
I'm telling you all this so that you may have an idea of where I was in my mind and spirit when I met my most recent Dom and heartbreak number 2.