So I messed up this morning and sent a text to my Master that sent him into frustrated mode.You see I have little moments of self doubt and I guess it has shown its ugly head more times than it should since he has been gone this time.
I explained in a blog not to long ago how I am defining myself as an Alpha Submissive...and how I am really trying to work on truly submitting my mind over to him...it was easy to give him control over my body...and it was an easy decision to open my soul to be his. My mind is a work in progress...
I don't mean to frustrate him...that is the absolute last thing I want to do...and he wants me to stop the self doubt immediately! One of the things he reminds me of is how the self-doubting actions is not what he fell in love with and he doesn't know how to handle it...that its not me. So after tears this morning...because one of the worst things in my world to do to me when your upset with me is stop talking to me...for me its torture on my heart...breaks me to my core...and this only has power when I love you...and he was so frustrated that he didn't want to talk to me. Broken...
So why do I do this?? I am a strong, very confident woman who typically doesn't give a damn about what anyone feels about me. I will be your best friend, be the person who saves you in the middle of the night, listens to your problems at 3 in the morning, gives you advice and will be there when no one else will....Im not the kind of person that will ask for anything from anyone...Im too proud for that. I will suffer in silence and no one will know. I am happy all the time and so laid back its kinda creepy.....but I can cut people out of my world in the blink of an eye.
Prior to him...I would have fun with someone, go out for a while and at some point we would go our separate ways. Ive always gone into a "relationship" with someone knowing that at some point they would go away...and have the attitude that when they do..C'est la vie....and its done for me. Just like that...DONE.
But now....I have made a commitment to give him my mind...and that means tearing down those magnificant walls that I have built around me to protect myself from hurt. I have worked years building these walls....I built them even when I was married...I put lots of work in these walls to protect me from being hurt my men...starting with my father. I painted the walls with beautiful colors and wonderful pictures that were all mine....now I am tearing them down.
Dont get me wrong...tearing them down for him is so worth it. He is worth it all....the pain, the remembering, the fear of the unknown...a real love, a real devotion...a real man....who is for me. He sees the doubt as a reflection of past relationships that I am pushing on him.....and I dont see that at all. I have worked hard to block out everything everyone else did to hurt me...and I haven't let anyone hurt me in a long time. But what I am doing is projecting my personal lack of trust in myself onto him.
Learning to trust yourself is by far the hardest thing I am learning to do. I trust him with everything in me....but trusting myself to be able to accept all that he is giving me is hard. Learning to trust that I am the same person without the walls I have built. Trusting that I love the person behind the walls...so he will love me too. These walls have been my protection for a very long time....so trusting that his protection is better is hard....and I realized today that me asking for reassurance from him comes across as me not trusting me...but its really not trusting the naked and exposed emotions that I have hidden from everyone...hiding behind those damn walls...trusting that I am still a great person without them. Trusting myself to be able to receive this amazing man, because I do deserve him.
I do trust him...with everything. The more walls I tear down....the more the self doubt keeps coming out. I'm hoping that I knocked a big enough hole in it today that I dont have to let him see that ugliness anymore. I am submitting my everything to him....and trusting myself.
Until tomorrow....
