Day 1 after D Day still hasn’t gotten any easier. It’s so hard adjusting to the change in the amount of contact I get to have with him. It’s almost a shock to the system...like an addict being denied their drug.
I remember last time I lost my mind a little and slipped into that dark place of doubt. I just kept thinking today how he reacted to my doubt last time...and that kept me acting right today! It also helped me that today was a busy day...and being with family for the holiday is helping to keep my mind going. But I still have him on my mind no matter what I am doing.
I really had to concentrate on not going down that depression road when I didn’t get to talk to him first this morning. For his voice to be the first I hear. I think I did pretty well considering!!! I’m also feeling extremely bad about not being there for him during the holiday...I know there is nothing I can do about it...but it still doesn’t change the fact that I feel bad or guilty or sad about it...it almost feels like I shouldn’t be able to enjoy it without him.
It’s tough...you can even see the stress in my body! My face has a pimple!! WTF??? I don’t get pimples!!! I’m way over that stage of life!!! But there it is staring back at me in the mirror...telling me “see...look at your ugly face!! I bet he’s glad he doesn’t have to see this” Those damn ugly doubt demons try and surface wherever they can...ugh....
Here’s to getting on to day 2....I want the time to pass faster...19 to go...
Until tomorrow....
