This is going to be a frustrated and hurt rant as I finally got closure to my last two blogs. If you don't care please just click away now.
I just need a place to get some feelings out.
I was used and not in the fun way we normally think of in bdsm. In the bad way. By a heartless woman who used the good and stability I offer as a way to rebound. Used the love, peace and respect of an intimate relationship for a selfish reason to fix herself and then toss me to the side like a piece of trash. Because she is afraid to love and be loved.
Being used as a rebound, a stepping stone, a healing method is the most narcissist thing someone has ever done to me. Being cheated on was easier to process. Being ghosted after a year was easier to process. Being lead along that you are loved, respected and valued only to find out you never were... Yeah that makes my blood boil and I am not an angry person or someone to get mad by much.
This one fucking crushes me. I have never felt a hurt and sadness like this before. I have never been so mad at myself for falling for all her sweet talk and compliments and not stopping to think or ask the tough questions continuously (asked them at the start but not afterwards).
Having someone who claimed to care about you and to be so happy with you. That "you check all the boxes and this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in" all of a sudden say "I don't care about you" fucking hurts. No signs, no hey I'm having some doubts. Literally in the span of 72 hours all those feelings are some how gone and the time you've spent together means nothing..... and when you try to work it out. To talk like a mature adult it's received with anger and annoyance. Excuse me for caring about someone I loved and wanting to figure it out I guess. The big punch in the gut is nothing ever happened between us to cause these feelings. No arguments. No fights. Nothing.
Yeah I was used. How on earth you can do that to someone else I don't know. You have to be a pretty fucked up narcissist to behave that way.
IF YOU ARE DAMAGED, DO NOT DAMAGE SOMEONE ELSE FOR YOUR OWN HEALING PURPOSES!
If you are damaged, traumatized, hurting etc... I hope you find the strength and courage to conquer it on your own and heal yourself. No one will do it for you. It starts with an honest and uncomfortable evaluation of yourself and life.
I have learned two things in this journey. First is that you can trust no one or very few people. Everyone seems to have their own motives and will stab you in the back or break your heart the second those motives are accomplished. Every time I am more cautious and slower to trust. Slower to open up. More observant of every message, every talk on the phone. Analyzing constantly if this person can be trusted. Yet, snakes still slither their way in and bite you, poisoning you. Then drain you, destroy your ability to trust others and run away using some nonsense bs claim that does not add up.
The second thing is no matter how careful you are in relationships you never truly know your partner. Whether it is a vanilla or bdsm relationship you will never truly know what goes on in their head. What they might be planning or feeling. How quickly they are willing to toss you aside with no warning, no conversations, nothing. Just a "I no longer care about you. bye".
Be careful out there. You never know who you're talking to. Who you're truly in a relationship with and how quickly they will change at a moments notice. Always put yourself first. Protect yourself. Don't let the snake into the garden they will hurt you. They don't care and never will. Nor will they ever stop to think how their evil actions destroy other people, leave them damaged, hurting, lacking the ability to trust.
Put your happiness and peace in yourself. You are your only true friend at the end of the day. The only one that will always be there. Everyone else is a luxury and luxuries run out, they have an expiration date and you don't know that date. Be careful.
If anyone read this rambling, angry mess of a blog thank you
