What is it about a fresh start that makes me seek out the familiar company of previous lives led? It's akin to listening to that same song over and over and over again, the song which has had its shine dulled but will never lose its intrinsic hold on my heart.
I'm lonely in this big, empty place.
Well, one of those statements is true. My new place isn't really all that large, nor is it empty. I brought a lot of reminders from my past with me and they're here to keep me company as I transition into being more comfortable alone.
In the past month my life has been upended and I'm beginning to put everything in its place. I left my partner of five years and began transitioning into a new role at work. In my move there were some things I lost, but I think I'll gain much more in my independence.
The hardest part of this change is losing the ability to communicate with the person who led me to this lifestyle. I met him when my partner and I decided to call it quits. At first he was a casual acquaintance, someone who I could talk with easily and never felt as if we had a forced conversation. I don't quite remember how or when we opened up to each other with our lustful fantasies, but when we did there was no turning back. The time I had with him was brief, but I was introduced to images and feelings I had never experienced. I want desperately to share what I'm going through now with him, but as I am shaping a new life for myself he is trying to rebuild his. Sadly, there's not room for me to be that comforting distraction in his life.
So, as I face these changes, feeling alone with only my cat by my side, I'm reminded of the countless people who have crossed my path in this life. I'm amazed by the number of people who have come and gone, and shocked by the people who still hold active roles in my life. I hope that I can find someone new to support and lean on. Someone to trust and build with.
In all honesty, right now I just want someone to pull my hair and say those things that have been left unsaid for far too long.
That's why I'm back tonight, trying in vain to relay my thoughts. And that's why I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION.
To new beginnings, friends.