Meli's Thoughts

Music Series #1 - SRV, Jimi Hendrix "Little Wing, Voodoo Child"

 

 

 

My first music blog obviously has to be about my favorite artist.

 

That would be Stevie Ray Vaughan.

 

For this entry I wanted to talk about not only him, however; but also talk about Jimi Hendrix as well.

Stevie Ray covered two of Jimi's songs, "Voodoo Child," and "Little Wing." Naturally, I wanted to write about them at the same time.

 

I discovered Stevie Ray Vaughan (SRV) through my father. My father has been the lead singer/guitarist of a cover band for as long as I can remember, before my memories started. Naturally through him I developed an ear to pick out the guitar in musical compositions and appreciate it specifically.

 

I remember specifically the day I first experienced the wonder that is SRV. I was 14, sitting on the couch. My Dad sitting in his chair, naturally, with the VCR remote in his hand. I was doing some difficult homework, and I was pretty focused. My Dad told me to watch this video. I was annoyed because I was already being distracted (I was a focused student).

 

The video was a live performance of SRV and Double Trouble live at a place called El Mocambo.

The way he played the guitar mystified me. He seemingly sang lead and played lead blues guitar flawlessly. The call and response method of his songs tie layers of bluesy guitar riffs with intense vocals and Double Trouble added the jazzy drums and bass. I had never seen anyone play guitar that intensely, and still haven't since.

 

Stevie could play guitar upside down, he could play with the guitar behind his back, he could play with his teeth. He was amazing. To me, he was the most amazing guitar player who ever lived. His life was colorful and entertaining. His brother was always the famous one to him, it seemed. Even when Stevie got to do Austin City Limits without his brother, he always thought it was because of him. He always said he was ripping off Albert King. The man literally would not give himself credit.

 

I guess it is hard to give yourself credit when you spend a lot of years being an alcoholic. When you turn your life around you walk a line with your ego so you keep reminding yourself you aren't as strong as you think you are, so you can keep yourself away from falling off the wagon. It's sobering and humbling. And he never gave himself enough credit. I mean, he even called his beloved guitar "Number One."

 

So back to the couch, when I was 14. That was the first day I heard the song "Voodoo Child."

 

Well I'm standin' next to a mountain, chop it down with the edge of my hat..

 

I didn't know at the time it was a cover of Jimi Hendrix's music. I knew at that age that Hendrix was a rock God but all I really knew about him was that he played the Star Spangled Banner on his guitar backwards. I didn't know he was a blues man. I didn't know much of his story at all. 

So it was a surprise when I learned he was also the original artist of "Little Wing."

 

Little Wing

 

Little Wing is my favorite SRV song. And Stevie's version is actually not a song, it's an instrumental version of the song, that is originally done by Jimi Hendrix.

 

I can get lost in the beauty that is Little Wing. It doesn't even need words to feel like a masterpiece. And Double Trouble with that beautiful foundation of jazz percussion and bass. One of the most beautiful compositions in popular music. So bluesy and jazzy and beautiful.

 

The lyrics are fantastical and psychedelic and colorful, and in Jimi's version are perfectly placed and perfectly appropriate.

 

Well she's walking through the clouds

with a circus mind that's running wild

butterflies and zebras

and moonbeams and a fairy tale

that's all she ever thinks about

riding the wind

When i'm sad she comes to me

with a thousand smiles she gives to me free

it's alright she says... it's alright

take anything you want from me

anything

Fly on little wing

yeah, yeah, yeah

fly on little wing

 

I identify with this song so much.

I am a little wing. I give all of myself to my Alpha and he helps me fly. <3

I am a very giving, free spirited person, deep down.

I love nature, and I LOVE THE MOON!

 

And I love the BLUES.

Blues music is everlasting.

 

Favorite Movie Quote about Blues Music:

 

"See, the thing is...

 

And I believe this, man... . Rap is coming back home to the South.

 

- Yeah, man.

- Because this, man… This is where it all began.

 

Heavy percussion, repetitive hooks, sexually suggestive lyrics.

 

Man, it's all blues, brother.

"Back Door Man" to "Back That Ass Up."

 

It's all about pain and…

 

And pussy!

 

Sorry, baby. And making music, man.

With simple tools,by any means necessary.

 

You've got to get what you got to say out because you got to.

 

Every man, you know what I'm saying?

Every man has the right, the goddamn right!!…  

 

...to contribute a verse!!"

 

 

I love DJ Qualls in that scene. What a pimp! And he's absolutely right! When there is a song inside of you you will do whatever it takes to get it out…to feed that creativity.

Sadly, on August 27th, 1990, Stevie Ray Vaughan boarded a helicopter to catch an early ride home along with Eric Clapton's friends and died shortly after when it crashed into the side of a mountain. He had worked so hard, and had overcome living "Life by the Drop," but it seems God didn't want to wait any longer to bring him home.

 

Stevie and Jimi let the spirit of the blues flow through them. They had to, even though it meant an early demise, in one way or the other. And I am eternally grateful for their existence and their immortal contributions to history.

 

They made the Fender Strat their bitch.

And the world owes them for it. <3

I am going to do a multi-day series of blogs about music!!

 

I was going to do a general blog entry, but it just won't work out that way.

I have been writing the entry in my One Note and I am finding that there is NO way I can write only one entry about music.

 

So I will write 20!!

 

Each day I will post a new song, talk about the lyrics, what the song means to me (maybe a story here and there?).

 

Fair warning: I'm not sure what ALL of the content I post will include, but I think and write very vividly so triggers abound.

 

 

 

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” ― Bob Marley

Nature is my favorite place to go; in life,and in my brain. I am obsessed with the notion that trees are our ancestors.

 

Trees don't ever stop trying to thrive. And they are strong. The winds of change always blowing around the branches, but never budging the stalk. Only the strike of lightning or blade of man seem to move an arborious forefather. Not even fire will decimate a forest, in fact fire is only an exfoliant that tends to stimulate regrowth.

 

Shade and shelter are important. Without even being moved, the forest provides all of us, flora and fauna alike, with a sanctuary from the heat of the beautiful sun. This is doubly important for those like me whose melanin gene is mutated and don't tan.

 

The soil of the Earth. Another most under appreciated gift.

Providing food for the entire planet. Holding back the liquid fire below. Giving us human parasites something soft to lay on and to till and harvest. Many people do not appreciate the taste of dirt. Or at least wouldn't like the notion of thinking about it like that, much less admitting to it.

 

But I do.

 

A baked potato; a glass of dark wine. The taste of homegrown tomatoes. An unfettered shot of vodka. The smell of the air, right before the rain. The musty thick presence under the canopy of a spring laden forest. The essence of a freshly tilled field ready for sewing seeds. The smell of growing up and growing old on the Mississippi River.

 

Missourians have a culture of hunting, fishing, and eating what was provided by such. There is also a long culture of subsistence farming, as well as dairy. The presence of the Amish/Dutch history here is important, even though the number of Missouri cattle is decreasing.

 

People here just love nature. Because Missourians have a tumultuous history. Being split in half before the Civil War, it was a slave and free state. After the war, there were a lot of grudges, and no 'north and south' lines drawn in the sand. When they teach you in school that brothers took up arms against brothers, this is no exaggeration. Naturally after the war ended, it was hard for Missouri to reconcile its communities. Rather than face judgement, and to avoid crossing paths, many Missourians escaped into the depths of the forgiving forest.

 

Families struggled here, adapted, and learned to fish and hunt. Missourians also became rough, blunt, people. It is called the Show Me state because of the notion of not just believing everything you hear. Rumors could start family wars. People lost children. Parents. Grandparents. I have spent many hours trail hiking, trespassing, trekking through unknown woods, discovering niche after niche of nature and history. The number of unmarked private family cemeteries I have discovered is a number higher than you would think.

 

Missourians also care a lot about conservation. As a child my grandfather taught me about birds, how to camp the best way so as not to disturb the habitat so we can continue to appreciate it. He taught me about the patience of fishing, and how to do the right thing. It's not uncommon here to see professional fishermen. It's not uncommon to see women hunting and fishing.

 

You see there is something about nature that abides. Something that wraps its loving, providing arms around us and provides us with everything we need to thrive. If anyone ever tells you that you can't live without money, just tell them to ask a smart-assed Missourian. We will set them straight real quick. There's no money here. There's hardly enough jobs for everyone who wants to work. The notion of working your ass off for next to nothing is a real thing here.

 

But so is a pan of hot biscuits and a pile of fried potatoes and onions, or scallions pulled straight out of the backyard, mixed with scrambled eggs. Or a plate full of squirrel nuggets or wine soaked venison steaks. A handful of deep-fried wild Morel mushrooms. A slab of hickory smoked brisket. A sliced homegrown tomato and mayo sandwich. Or just eating a tomato straight out of the garden, like an apple, sprinkled with salt and pepper. Yummmm.

 

It was not uncommon when we were kids for the whole family to go catfishing, then have a massive fish fry afterward, with fish, potatoes, hush puppies, homemade slaw, aioli and malt vinegar. Macaroni with homegrown stewed tomatoes and ground pepper. When we would camp we would cook fish on a rock in the fire. I could go on for hours talking about food, lol.

 

The point is living off the land was something our ancestors learned out of necessity, but after handing it down generation after generation it is now about fun, about enjoying your family and the world around you. It is more so an act of love and provision for Missourians than a lot of other places in America. Nature is something I wish more people would appreciate.

 

Nature is a good way to teach our children about death and how it is an essential part of the circle of life.

Nature is predictable.

 

You can depend on nature. It will find stasis whatever way it can, whether it takes a storm, forest fire, or an ice age, nature abides. When you see a stream, you know its motivation. It doesn't flow backwards just to 'one-up' you.

 

A wolf with a broken paw is an utterly beautiful thing. Because you know that wolf hurt his paw hunting for food or defending his pack, not because someone got mad and wanted revenge. There is comfort in that. A dependability most people take for granted.

 

Money is stupid, and people even more so. There is a truth to nature you will never find among humans.

 

At least that's my perspective. Thanks for reading. <3

My Fen overheard the funniest comeback ever at work the other day between a straight guy and a lesbian..

 

Vanilla Guy: Well you can't steal my my girlfriend because she's not gay.

 

Lesbian: Even spaghetti noodles are straight until you get them a little hot and wet!

 

😶😂

LMAO!!

I just made my customary taco smorgasbord (I live with all males, I could run a Del Taco with one arm tied behind my back, lol) and I've finally plopped back down onto my pillowy perch to eat. 

 

For some reason I have Halsey's 'Without Me' stuck in my brain at the moment, and all I can think of is this taco is singing to me...and I can't really argue with it, lol.

 

'Tell me how's it feel sittin' up there?
Feeling so high but too far away to hold me
You know I'm the one who put you up there
Name in the sky
Does it ever get lonely?
Thinking you could live without me
Thinking you could live without me'

 

Would it really be 'living' if we didn't have tacos? <3

 

*deep thought*

 

LOL~

I hate it when I song can convey a feeling more than your own words. It seems like such a copout to me. Here. Hey listen to this and get me.

 

But then again, I love it when a song can convey a feeling more than your own words. In fact that is music in all its essence.

 

I love when an artist feels their own words so emotionally that you can hear the breakdown in the crack of their voice. A weak spot in a note, a perfect flaw of emotion. Words so powerful they push us to the edges of our humanity. It's that part of music that we feed off of. That little voice in our soul that lets us know we aren't alone.

 

An artist goes through a dark time in their lives and loves it enough to look at it like art.

It's also the vulnerability in doing such that can draw us in, in that moment.

That moment in your life when you needed to hear just that. The very words, emotion, and melody of that song.

 

That memory. You can relate. You're not alone.

 

There is still love and beauty if the world. And there is life after acceptance.

This is one of those songs, the one that was there in that moment. Thank you Billie Eilish.

 

 

'When the Party's Over'

 

Don't you know I'm no good for you

I've learned to lose you, can't afford to

Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'

But nothin' ever stops you leavin'

Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own

I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that

I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that

Don't you know too much already

I'll only hurt you if you let me

Call me friend but keep me closer (Call me back)

And I'll call you when the party's over

Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own

And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that

Yeah I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that

But nothing is better sometimes

Once we've both said our goodbyes

Let's just let it go

Let me let you go

Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own

I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that

I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that..

 

<3

People's actions speak for themselves. Wish people would have understood that and moved on. But I can only be accountable for me. I only try to love people with everything I can. And if people don't believe me, that's ok too. That's not my choice.

 

There are three things you cannot recover in life:

the word after it’s said,

the moment after it’s missed,

and the time after it’s gone.

 

Sadly, you can't give people understanding.

 

All you can do is forgive yourself and move on.

 

<3

 

 

I used to carry around this bag of hate. It was filled with hate for the person who took my Mom from me. I would pretend it was my duty, to hate this man, because of what he took from me. I would pretend it wasn't a selfish notion, to feel this hate. But it was. Hating him somehow convinced me I felt better. Hate somehow twisted the logic in my mind and told me that a few moments of cathartic hate would mean more to me than letting go. I was selfish, because the other person didn't feel the emotion that I was projecting at them, and I knew this.

 

Somewhere after turning 30 I picked up a book about Buddhism. I was fascinated. I remember reading that some people always view the glass as half full, and we call those people optimists. Some people see the glass as half empty, and those people are pessimists. The dharma explained that your perception of the glass would change if it were flung off the table and shattered on the floor. That notion really stuck with me. I also read about how your negative emotions of the past can only haunt you, therefore are useless in any productive form. The books told me to envision all the things that were done to me by this person, all of the emotions I felt, everything. It told me to take these things and put them into a suitcase. And to envision yourself carrying around that heaviness, how burdensome. Then it told me to put it down and walk away, and never look back. To forgive.

 

For the first time in my life I was able to free myself from some of the grief of my childhood. I just forgave him for everything he put my family through. I told his family I forgave him. I told my family, to their bewilderment.

 

You see, people like to carry their bitter around. I was actually conditioned by friends and family to hold onto the bitter, to revel in it. To live in the fever of the fury.

 

But it's never been the healthy option. And it never helped me once. I've applied bitterness to things in my life and never did they turn a situation around for me. Everyone struggles with it, but it never helps. It only 'feels' good.

 

But the longer you hold onto it the more it darkens your soul. You could be the most beautiful ray of light in the universe, and the bitterness with turn your light as black as the darkest midnight. I know this, because I used to want to be a ray of light.

 

I used to think I was strong enough to heal from life's scars. I was a happy hippie. I had found a tribe to emulate. And the emotion was acceptance and freedom. I didn't care about the consequences of my actions. I was wild and free, a beautiful disaster.

 

Love didn't heal the bitter, because in the end, love is what you make it.

Love isn't something you can hold up and expect to be a certain thing, don't put in any work or ever bleed for it, and then be bitter when it turns out that it isn't that thing you wanted. You can use the love to hide the bitter, but if the love fades the shades of fury and numbness come right back.

 

Time doesn't heal wounds, it only gradually makes them hurt less. If time healed anything, we would live and love forever. Time is just a fleeting thing; you choose what you get out of it.

 

And as much as you scream out at the mountaintops, sometimes your words aren't heard from your heart. They are twisted, heard from a critical ear as sharp as a jagged piece of glass. You can be as loving to a person as anyone has ever been, and they won't feel it the way you do. It is only to them what it is to them, a relative thing, and you can't change that, only accept it and chose whether to continue to love them anyway.

 

You can be bitter, angry, numb, trembling, or you can own your own emotions and move on.

 

I loved you, but that doesn't make what you did or do or say acceptable.

And that's ok. If you'd like to carry around the darkness in your heart, then I wish you strength.

Lies are unnecessary and hate is heavy. But that is your choice, not mine.

 

I love you, but I've moved on. I hope you find you want to let go of your hate and move on too.

Peace.

Bottling up all feelings to hide how I really feel

Ruminating about the hidden agendas

Owning how I really feel is harder than you think

Killing off a part of my soul for the sake of not being left alone

Eventually just wanting to leave this life

Never leaving because I'll never be loved again

 

Trying so hard to believe you're sincere

Ruining any chance I have at self-worth

Used by the person I love the most

Slowly falling deeper into depression -

Tightly holding on to whatever shred of love may be left.

My name is Melissa Lea. My friends call me Meli. Melissa means honeybee in Greek, and Lea means meadow in English. This had nothing to do with why I am Melissa Lea, but it I love to learn and the fun is in the details. I was named Melissa after a song called 'Sweet Melissa' by the Allman Brothers Band. My middle name, Lea, comes from my grandmother.

 

My mother and father lived together until I was 6, then separated, but because my mother was Catholic, neither one of them ever pursued a divorce. My mother got with a guy who abused her for several years, and abused us children physically and mentally, however, he was more present than my biological father, who was a musician and worked, and so was never available at that time.

 

After enduring years of physical abuse and having a child with this man, she removed him from the home, took him to court to get temporary custody of my brother (he refused to let my mother see my brother) , and got an order of protection against him. He had a .22 rifle and 3 days later broke the order of protection and shot and killed my mother, shot her boyfriend 6 times, and shot me as I ran away (in my right buttocks).

 

This has obviously had a profound effect on my life. My brothers and I moved in with our father and his other daughters and I became the domestic head of the household, made to cook, clean, and raise my siblings (I am the oldest of many), so I did not have the luxury of a normal childhood, and did my best to shield my younger siblings from years of abuse and neglect.

 

As a young woman, I had anxiety talking to people, could never get myself to ask anyone on a date (was asked a few times, and not knowing how to respond, acted repulsed). I guess you could say I was one of the weird kids, and I found an escape by being an excellent student, both academically, and with my extra-curricular activities. I joined the choir, theatre, debate, and honor society (for good grades), and I am proud I was able to overcome my anxiety to be able to express myself through music and drama. I was a member of the International Thespian Society, and won an award in high school for my performance in the musical Cats. I received very good grades, learned Spanish, and was well known among the singers in my school.

 

I married a man when I was 24 (he is the same age), we separated in 2012, and I met my Master in 2013, online. He is 24, 14 years younger than I am.  I am the only female in my house.

 

Because I love to learn, there are so many things I am interested in and that I love. I absolutely love music. My family has several generations of musicians on my father's side, and I love to sing. I sung for people in bars, wineries, family get togethers, at school, in church…and I sing even at home by myself in my daily activities. I can't really explain it but singing and feeling the emotions of music is very cathartic and sometimes spiritual and sexual for me.

 

I love food. I was taught to cook very young, and I love it. I like learning new dishes, experimenting with my own, and teaching my kids about food and food culture. Among my favorite things to cook/eat are Hispanic food(mexicano: tacos, paella, menudo, puertoriqueno: sofrito, chicarrones, plantanos fritos), Korean food(bulgogi, kimchi, bimbimbap), Japanese food(sushi, udon, ramen), and Italian food(pasta con broccoli, chicken speidini, alfredo).

 

I am a nerd. I really enjoy reading books. My favorite book is Talisman by Stephen King. I have read many books, including the Bible, and I love to read Wikipedia. Other authors I love include Harper Lee, Alduous Huxley, Kurt Vonnegut, Edgar Alan Poe; and I absolutely adore Emily Dickinson.

 

I am very intellectual, and love science - physics, astronomy, biology, psychology, and evolution. I have many interesting theories about the origin of the universe, the shape and form of a possible multiverse, quantum physics and string theory. Among my mentors are Albert Einstein(obviously), Carl Sagan, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, Ray Kurzwieil, and Bill Bryson.

 

I also believe in God, and I am sometimes consumed with discovering his existence through the science of the multiverse. I follow the actions of Christ and somewhat of the dharma, however I am NOTHING like an average American Christian. I suggest Googling 'Progressive Christianity' to find out a bit about my beliefs. I like studying things like the Omega Point, technological singularity theory, and string theory. I have also read a bit of the dharma and Buddhism has helped me a little with what happened to me when I was younger. I must move on, or I fear my essay will be too long to be a pleasant read. I will admit I love to listen to the speeches of Bishop Michael Bruce Curry of the Episcopal Church.

 

I love asian culture. I am into anime; kawaii, yandere, and aheago, demon kin, wolfkin, as far as hentai goes. I have a love for Korean culture as well (K-pop, K-hip-Hop, Webtoons, Korean horror films). I am very turned on by the darker side of asian sexuality. My favorite anime is Ancient Magus Bride.

 

Ok, now to talk about my fantasies.  Nonsexually, I often love the  draw of nature and solitude and one of my fantasies to to live in the woods(preferably), or on an island or mountain, and be able to be naked, live off the land, learn from the earth, and not have to conform to the structures of human society. I often have fantasies of having conversations with really smart people, be it someone like Bill Bryson, Carl Sagan, Kepler, among others. I fantasize also about being able to live in space, I guess also from a solitude, naked, free and unconformed standpoint.

 

Sexually I have many fantasies, some simple and some complex. I have a fantasy of being taken by two men at the same time, along with fantasies about my friends. I often bond with people very deeply and find that I am sexually attracted to some of them over time.

 

I love primal. I want to be hunted down, captured, claimed, and submit to captivity. I love pretending I am a wolf puppy, kitten, fox/kitsune, and would love act out more animalistic fantasies. I also enjoy being hunted mentally, or I guess you could say having my brain piqued over. I find extreme pleasure in knowing someone is curious about what is going on with me mentally or physically. I love for a partner to be immersed in me. I don't like to call it clingy, I like demisexual, but maybe it is. I just want to feel bonds so strong they permeate everything in my existence. That is how fiercely I feel things, like passion, love, anger, and devotion.

 

I am a demi/sapio-sexual. I often find myself turned on by someone displaying their intelligence. I am very intellectual and I find it very hot when someone's brain digs into information the way mine does. It makes me feel like we are connected on a surreal telepathic level. It's even more intense when I can have a conversation with that person and they use the words I have in my head about a certain subject.

 

I am and yearn to be a 24/7 submissive. My Daddy is devoted, but young, and always learning and applying our D/s dynamic not only to the carnal aspect of the lifestyle, but the mental and pragmatic part of our lives as well. I love to be fulfilled by it, and learn. I love learning as much as I can, as it just brings new discoveries and new fantasies.

 

I am a masochist. I would love to sit here and tell you that I am a normal person(no I wouldn't), that there is nothing dark in my brain, but I have very intrusive, yandere thoughts about love and sex sometimes. I lick my own blood when I get a small wound, and I sometimes self harm. I have been going years without getting proper mental help for my past traumas (however I am seeing professionals now). However apart from the pain that comes from the self harm, I love to be punished and set free from the dysphoria my brain puts me through. Pain covers up anger. Pain can cover up sorrow and grief. Pain can even overwhelm fear. I deal with a massive amount of paranoia and trust issues and the pain of my own brain demands consistency, participation, empathy, commitment, and honest (trust) from my dom. I like being scratched, spanked, slapped, gagged, all of it.

 

Mentally, I am aroused by intelligence, music, literature, and having someone chase/hunt/claim me mentally, as well as physically. I love eye contact, being told what to do, being understood, disciplined (this requires an emotional commitment, and is why I want to establish this relationship a bit methodically so as not to unnecessarily create self doubt and anxiety). I love degradation (done intelligently/fiercely) and sadism: I yearn for the perfect combination of Sadist/Daddy.

 

I like ageplay. I love to feel younger than I am. I don't baby talk per se, but I do have a youngish way of submitting verbally and physically, so as to feel like a youthful, innocent, pure yet defiled thing. I in NO WAY condone pedophilia. I simply love feeling the freedom of innocence (or for that matter reinforcing to my Dom that HE is in control and owns my very existence).

 

I love bondage, ropeplay, dubious consent/non-consent/primal prey. Overall though, I am very sexually needy.I like to be told what to do and love it when decisions are made for me or with me. I love the feeling of being inferior/protected and owned by someone. I have a nerdy kink when it comes to Alphas. I love Wolves! I also like tigers, bears, foxes and forest flora (Oh how I love to be among the trees!) and fauna (deer, rabbits, owls <3). I love Luna! She is so beautiful at night! <3  I am quite nocturnal, and carnal. I love being an Omega. I love being bred, bitten, scratched, clawed/pawed. I love being growled at and hearing my Alpha's breath on me and feeling the heat and sensation of his breath on me. I love how animalistic he is in all his ways! The sounds, the smells and tastes. I love the fantasy of animal-demon kin, and so does my Alpha. and so while this nerdy stuff may not seem like a kink to the general kinkster, the Alphas, Betas, and Omegas will understand.

 

Ok last part. When I was young, I thought bdsm was just weird. I didn't understand it, I had body issues and didn't understand how pain was pleasurable to anyone (yet I chewed my nails and would bite my mouth, I have an oral complex), I just hadn't discovered it about myself at the time. I married a vanilla guy, and either because he didn't want to or I just couldn't communicate it he never pursued a bdsm lifestyle with me.

 

Now BDSM is applicable to several facets of my life. I have endured trauma, and have ptsd, so BDSM allows me to free my brain of anxiety and worry, and submit to a life of not having to make so many damned decisions. I was thrust into a life of being a caretaker for everyone even as an adult and am learning ways to self care. It can distract me from the inevitable negative thought patterns my anxiety and paranoia drives me into…and since I am intelligent and prone to fast thoughts being alone in my brain is seldom ever a good thing.

 

I also feel like I have this artfully classic and flawed but beautiful body and personality that I want someone to feel happy by being around. I have a need to feel needed. I have a need to feel like an old soul with a perverted sense of humor, a dark, vulgar, sophisticated woman, desirable to men on a different level. I hope you can get my idea.

 

I know that there are many things I am going to think of later and wished I had put into this essay, but there is time to talk about things and discover more.

 

I fall in love with the 'auras' of people if I spend enough time with them and they are a part of my tribe/pack. I always tell my master when I have any attraction or feelings towards people, but at first I thought it wasn't normal and I felt guilty. Daddy has reminded me of how much capacity I have to love the world a million times over, and I love him for that.

 

We did have a polyfidelity driven triad relationship, however it didn't work out. But it is something we have been through. I keep a small circle of friends, and I usually find that I am mentally, or physically attracted to them at one point or another, with amorous feelings of love and sacrifice. I guess it could be the submissive in me and the want to feel ultimate love and ownership, or the loyalty that comes with having less friends. As a dear friend stated, quality over quantity. It comes with its own unique set of rewards and emotions, and fuck ups.

 

I am forever blessed to be my Alpha's muse, and eternally hungry for his poetic, linguistic elucidations of the inner workings of my soul and our lives, and I love to be his story teller, his bard, a songbird to soothe him to sleep and inspire him to fly. No matter the fires and chaos of our dark life, our interwoven souls never budge from the core of the other.

 

The heat created from the physical realm of our bodies when we are one feels like a blaze so hot,  forged with a love so sultry and hot it came from the very heart of Shakuru. Every smell and taste of my Wolf unbridles a new and undiscovered craving not yet explored, indulged, satisfied. Every touch setting off the beginning of waves of charged electricity, turning my thoughts and feelings into a frenzy of sweaty bliss. Knowing my Alpha wants to consume me voraciously sends me into a euphoria so intense I see new galaxies form from inside, feel the heat of nebulae as the power of Luna overtakes my Master and he takes what is his until he is satisfied with enough of the taste of the iron in my blood, the salt of my tears and the pheromones of my sweat and juices of my pussy, edging countless times until I am no longer sapient; no numbers, only primal senses, only his omega. Sounds, smells, tastes, and the sheer mortal desire to hunt, breed, kill, feed.

 

There, now you have a peek into my universe and my somewhat mediochre yet sincere attempt at writing, and a taste of how utterly crazy I am. Any members of our pack out there??