This is my first post. I was encouraged yesterday to start a blog, because I already write in a journal everyday for my master. Well I try my best, but some days I am just busy or we are together.
I find it hard sometimes to communicate verbally. I do not know what it is, however, people tend to take what I say differently than I intended.
I drank yesterday. I don't usually drink, but I've been dealing with the escalating pain of extreme mental illness for over 20 years, finally leading up to me seeking help through mental health professionals about a month ago. While now I might have a sliver of hope that they can teach me better communication/coping skills, I am still anxious; I know that when I finally see the 'real psychiatrist,' I might have to start taking medicine, and I'm a little fearful of who I will become or how it will affect me. But I am doing this for my master, my ex-girlfriend, my kids, and least of all myself. So I've been drinking. I'm well aware that drinking does not help depression, and can in fact exacerbate the problem. I am not dependent on alcohol and view it as a short term anxiety aid. At my age, it usually makes me sleepy, but I find sleep hard to get, and it is more than ok for me to fall asleep in the middle of a Sunday of day-drinking.
With that being said, my master is going through heartbreak with me. Our friend that we had known for years and finally entered into a romantic relationship with, found that she had things she needed to deal with and with the distance and silence, it was hard for our dom to be there for her. I am not here to apologize, attention is a two way street. We weren't getting the necessary attention and time with her, and she found that our need of her time made her extremely distressed due to an undiagnosed mental illness she is hopefully now seeking treatment for as well.
With that being said, I created this profile after the breakup. I'm not sure what I need from this site, but I do now how utterly hard it is to find people you get along with in the real world being a submissive or a dominant, or having any relation to bdsm whatsoever. So while this may be a place to find your soulmate, master, friends, etc., I find it is one way that my master and I may be able to make friends, who someday could turn into more if all parties involved wished for that to be.
Now no one is perfect. We are getting over what happened in our triad, but still dealing with the loss, and not knowing how to move forward. We knew our ex for many years before dating, and so there was no 'courtship' in the traditional sense.
I'm not even sure how we are supposed to make friends here with my obvious lack of ability to communicate with people, but nonetheless, I am 38, have managed to create and build friendships (even if they are lacking now that I need mental help). We have never dated/courted/pursued anyone together without knowing them first, and so we do NOT know quite how to talk to people we meet on this website.
Yesterday I introduced myself to someone after reading their blog. Since they were well spoken, and going through a heartbreak, I sought them out for more conversation. I told her that she was strong and needed to hear that. I told my master that she needed attention. We are empathetic people. If you come around us being sad, we will respond with affection.
This particular person chatted with my master after I fell asleep. I don't know how, but somehow words were spoken that alluded to wanting to dominate this person. That was never my intention, I am a sucker for a damsel in distress. Do with that what you will. This lady was very nice and the conversation I had with her seemed to go well. However I didn't much read what was said to her by my master and assumed everything was ok by the few messages I did see on the thread (they leave the screen when you send more). She even address my master as Sir (is this commonplace? I'm a sub through life, learned nothing from the internet).
Long story short, I think she may have asked why I am on the Cage. And I told the truth. My master and I are lovers of polyfidelity. He has much love to give and so do I, and I love the touch and beauty of both a woman and a man. And I also truthfully told her, that while we are searching for the next person to complete us (or maybe just trying to learn more and understand what has happened).
The instant knee jerk reaction I got gave me a panic attack and I proceeded to sob for the next two hours. The person coldly responded with something like "so you didn't really want to talk to me and like my writings and followings like you said, you and your master just want to date me?"
I instantly said no, and that I wouldn't pursue someone without knowing them. Who on earth would do that, especially from a bdsm worldview, where there can be soooo many facets and differences between people (opinions, views, goals, limits), and on top of that, the lady said she was bi-curious. SHE EVEN SAID SHE WOULD BE WILLING TO EXPLORE…this wasn't said in a "I'm just out of a relationship" sort of way, so I assumed that it would be ok to tell her what we are looking for. As I was typing a response to her cold message toward me (the words I intended to send were something like "why would I pursue a woman who doesn't even know if she's bi?") she blocked me. She also blocked me from being able to send her messages on the Cage (I can't anyways because neither of us are premium members) and proceeded to write a blog entry calling us assholes, and saying something about how she doesn't have time for our bullshit.
I have so much anxiety, that someone criticizing me gives me utter cold sweats and shakes. I am not a bad person. I don't lie, and I am NOT manipulative. No one is perfect, and we ALL go through heartbreak, not just the ones who can articulate what they are going through well.
This person actually had me wanting to start this blog yesterday, and now has me wanting to avoid new people altogether. I know they will probably see this blog, there's really nothing I can do about that, and it is not meant to manipulate or point blame at anyone, only to vent and to ask this:
How do you find new people to date or even just be casual friends with when the resounding thing about you is that you are "BDSM" How is this facet not something you should talk to people you meet about on here? And why does that mean that we are bullshitting/playing games? I was instantly blocked, and I know I'm not here for bullshit, or ATTENTION for that matter.
Do I need to deactivate my account? Am I going to be criticized whenever I reach out? How do you find people to bond with? How do you deal with heartbreak? This is all new to me. All I know is that I have this extreme habit of beating myself up. Thinking I'm not good enough for anyone. Wondering why all the friendships/relationships I have always seem to fade away or burn out. I am already prone to self deprecation and self harm, anxiety attacks. This is no one here's fault, I know that. And I understand being guarded after a breakup or loss. Sometimes you just get a vibe, there's nothing else you can really say. And it's not like a person is legally obligated to respond to the words on a message board, I have blocked my fair share of people I thought were toxic.
But what's not okay is not having the rest of the conversation with a person, and instead going straight to a message board to indirectly attack this person's actions and views.
Do I stay here? I'm not one for conflict. I'm more or less submitting this entry as a cathartic thing, which is needed when you are cut off and misunderstood and don't feel like you got your message across; I'm not one to care if someone thinks I am right, I just fade away into obscurity rather than deal with the possible rejection/conflict that may arise from it. Call it ptsd avoidance. I don't know. I hate labels because the internet fucking glamourizes mental illness and now it is full with undiagnosed people who demand I cater to their worldview without even realizing mine, simply because I don't find the need to constantly talk about it. Feeling the need to hurt yourself, kill yourself, or be ina state of fight or flight all the time is not as fabulous as a meme makes it look like. But it is there, and boy did it get me this morning.
My master says I just tell the truth too forwardly when I talk to people and no one can deal with it. Thank you Daddy. At least you understand. And I know you're hurting too, and you're not perfect. But you're honest. And thank you for holding me while I cried and told you I wanted to die because I can't keep anyone around or make anyone happy.
I just want to know this. As a new person, do I stay? Does my blog even give a sense of enlightenment or truth? Do my words really drive people away? I wouldn't have posted this anyway if I didn't see where the other person added insult to injury and attacked who I am as a person. I am NOT an asshole. I did nothing but be brutally honest and forthcoming.
Knee jerk reactions happen, blocks happen. I'm not a BBQ Becky who can't handle being butthurt and just wants to get revenge on someone, report them, or even be ill-willed. But you can't hide from your callous words. Take your anger over what happened to you out on someone else. Or there may just be a person willing to defend themselves on a message board as well, since you found it necessary to blog about how shit I am as a person.
Thanks if you read this far…I'm scared to even see what response I will get from the community, if any. I guess it will decide whether or not the Cage is a good fit for me. Have a blessed day.
