HuntertheYeenQueen(dom femme){Allie Kat}

Enter the Void

Ramblings and musings of a fox who is struggling to pull herself together and regain the confidence that was once broken and stripped from her. Will most likely be nothing more than a mind dump when things are getting rough.

I Am So Bad At This...

5 years ago. December 20, 2018 at 11:03 PM

I probably shouldn't be writing right now but... I'm too emotional to not rant, and unable to vent anywhere else at the moment.

I messed up tonight. Like I mess up all the time. I don't know why I cant ever seem to talk right... why I always say the wrong things, I turn conversation to myself and my own needs, I hurt instead of help...

I begged him to tell me what was on his mind... I wanted so bad to know. And I felt I could help, ease his mind, for so much of what he was saying. But hearing that I was doing things I did that he was struggling with, things I did that forced him to have to question what he was doing... I took to the defensive... I started breaking down instead of building up... when there was no accusation, no attack, no intent of hurt...

I'm so insecure and I have so many issues with myself and I second guess so much that I twisted what I heard. And now instead of supporting something that was so hard to be brought up in the first place... I started to destroy. All because of insecurity.

I hate this...

I shouldn't be jealous... I should be loving, supportive, encouraging. I shouldn't ignore needs, I should fulfill them. I shouldn't take offence... I should understand and assist.

Tonight, I was a terrible person. A terrible lover. A terrible wife. A terrible Dominant. And I do this all the time.

I had questions and concerns I wanted to address, brought up by the things in my love's mind, but him opening up was /not/ the right time to vent myself... I should have stored it away, taken care of and reassured him, and then tried to take care of myself, probably in the morning or a later date so as to not step on toes.

But no. I stole his time. Made him vulnerable and then stomped on him... intent or not, I was so, so very wrong.

Why is it /so/ hard for me to simply let him talk? Why do I struggle so much with knowing when it's the right time to help, and when it's the right time to shut the fuck up and listen, be supportive? Why do I/always/ fuck this up?

Why do I always hurt the one I love most?

Why do I keep stomping on him?

Why cant I just get things right?

I feel like such a terrible person right now... and having to try to sleep on these thoughts is nearly impossible. All day today I've been fucking up. It's been one big day of self-doubt and self-pity. I want to blame hormones, blame the fact that it's a bad time of the month for me and say that's the reason for my emotional state. And it might be an aid to my instability. But... I cant place all the blame on being a woman. That's not how this works.

I'm so sorry, my love, for hurting you how I did... I hurt you on levels I've never touched before and your reactions made me feel so bad my desire to fix got worse... but when I try to fix, I seem to just... destroy.

I should have dropped it sooner, or apologized and tried to backtrack a little to save the night before I got too far. Why do I have such trouble with seeing myself losing control?

I bottle so much up... that I cant release it in small doses... you pop the cork and I just... explode.

Its not healthy... and I'm sorry that I keep subjecting you to this.

Maybe I... need help... but help is so expensive and so few people understand our kind of love, I'm so afraid of people judging you or trying to say /you/ are what's wrong.

And after my past with "help"... I dont trust people who are "qualified". So I dont know how helpful that would really be...

I cant keep doing this to you... I need to figure something out... because what I'm doing isnt healthy, for either of us.

I dont know why I'm so bad at this... 5 years and I feel like im still so far away from decent communication...

Satindragon{Not Lookin} - It is obvious that you two love each other. I also can tell that you are a fixer. The sad thing about that is no matter how hard you try, you can't fix everything. He doesn't expect you to fix it all. Do either of you keep a journal? Sometimes it makes it easier to communicate. You are a lot like me. You react instead of responding. Trust me it's hard to learn how to respond instead of just reacting. Step back and breath. The more you beat yourself up the more likely you are to repeat yourself. Have a glass of wine and go hug Wolfy.

5 years ago

Meja - Well, don't beat yourself up, there's a lot of difference in doing something conscious and with bad intentions, which you don't. I'm a spiritual deep person, I try giving you some advice. You can take it or leave it its up to you.
I've learnt to sit down with everything, and monitor your thoughts each fith minute, and write down or record what comes, unless you can sit down with it, right away taking it to the core root, not let go until you have the core root of it. Then unravel from there. Again write or record is handy. It's work yes, but highly efficient. You can use hypnosis, self hypnosis, to reset the mind. Research reset.
It's highly likely early programmed stuff, what's been seen, filed in the subconscious. You do have the answer within.
If you manage to still your mind. Calm your thoughts. Go within into the stillness. And ask. It takes practice, but in time you'll get the answer.
When things are getting tough, take a step back. Don't talk until you're both calm. When it gets too much, take a break, until both calm. You can ask your partner to write down. Or just hold each other. Without any words. Many times, that helps alot.
Practice your inner observer. To register, not to act or speak, but notice, and process later. Asking how, and why.
These are some tools used in therapy. Much of it is exactly that.
As soon as you react, take a step back, write down or analyse your thoughts. Your feelings. When it first happened ever. You can do it.

5 years ago

Meja - Feelings aren't bad, it's how we handle them and look on them that makes all the difference. Monitoring thoughts each fith minute, weed out, put a positive in.. Instead of negative after that.. It's like working with a murky glass of water until it clean up. After all, if we have lived a life of no control of thoughts, what do we expect. Most think oh it's normal to have all kinds of chaos in mind. That's just not our natural state.. We learn it. And by our own habits, by thought and actions.

5 years ago

Meja - I recommend meditation, no TV, healthy food, nature, thought monitoring, going within.

5 years ago

SchrodingersDinosaur(switch female){N/a} - I know it feels awkward as hell to write when you are emotional but it does help. This is a place it's safe to vent, to pour out the ugly, to give it light. You not terrible, or worthless, or a total fuckup. Your Wolfy loves you, all of you. Including the part that is insecure and lashes out. You and he can work through this. It's not easy but you've taken the first step. You addressed the fact you didn't handle it well when he opened up to you. Use this, grow from it. He knows your love, try to stop dwelling and beating yourself and just show him the love, especially if you feel you wounded him so deeply. Hold on to the love, tightly.

5 years ago

Bunnie - Everyone else has already said awesome stuff. I just wanted to add that something I’ve come to realise is that communication, and learning to communicate is an ongoing thing... forever. I had in my mind that someday if I worked at it hard enough... I’d be a good communicator. What I’ve realised is that... today I’m a much better communicator than I was a few years ago. In a few years, I’ll be much better than I am today. Hang in there. *hugs*

5 years ago

You must be registered and signed in to comment

Register Sign in

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat}

Enter the Void

I Am So Bad At This...

HuntertheYeenQueen(dom femme){Allie Kat}