Kitten's Enthsiastic Articles

Reflection of the past year to now

Last year wasn't just a bad year, it wasn't just instability, it wasn't even just traumatic issues one after another, it was being re traumatized, reprogrammed in a way I already broke from mentally like 10 years ago, and losing everyone I thought I had as a support system or at least people i thought still had human dignity and decency,

These days I'm bitter and cynical about them and want nothing to do with them, because if they were willing to endanger my life, they were never a support system to begin with

Let's start with my family, toxic neo nazis who hate me for not being one of them and my own mother saying my blood is dirty because I have my dad's blood inside me (but of course my brother doesn't count) and being their messy emotional lightning rod for nearly 19 years

Dad? Useless waste of space narcissistic neo nazi psychopath who tried to kill me multiple times

Mom? Useless clone of dad while being nightmarishly emotionally abusive

(Some people say she was actually worse cause dad was just mental and physical abuse and her bs did more damage) 

Brothers - useless siblings I thought would protect me cause they're older than me, left me for dead / wanted to abuse me like mom and dad

Extended family? Don't have contact cause they're not around / several States away / have their own lives etc

So my baseline since six years old was "I don't matter" and I was programmed to function that way on a deeply nervous system level

Cut to my adult years. 18 to 23 

Bdsm, care takers in forms of doms, reprogramming, pseudo therapy practices via scenes, sessions, impact play and emotional growth and support, 

I started healing

I started arguing with that narrative

I started rejecting it mentally

I started defending myself

I started gaining independence, confidence and body autonomy

I leave the abuse house behind at 24 for my ex

Cause i thought he was another care taker who would help me heal and grow as a person

The first couple years, growth, healing, jobs I enjoyed at work, work places I enjoyed being, responsibilities I adored, social communities, starting to make friends, going to events

Relationship drama - crying at work in the walk in freezer and my manager making sure I was okay emotionally for over an hour, we had paused truck duties because I couldn't pretend I was fine anymore, I wasn't fine, I was devastated over a stupid dinner my ex didn't appreciate, I was trying to off load the truck with him and started crying and had to leave, he chased me to the walk in freezer and gave me a juice and we talked for like an hour cause he was genuinely worried about me so I told him about the fighting me and my ex had the past week and so on

That manager was far more of a care taker than my own partner who was supposed to be that

But I know now he didn't wanna be that, he just wanted someone to fuck (his words during one fight) 

Today marks a year since the drama of him leaving me abandoned in the apartment

I don't remember what he looks like, my brain deleted so many files on him that I barely remember our relationship when we had happy moments, I sorta remember the waterfall date but barely.. I don't remember his face, voice, or much else cause my brain went cntrl, alt delete on his entire file just like it did with my dad

I also don't remember him either and haven't for years now

The other day marked a year since the last time I saw my ex also.. 

So what happened after he left me stranded? I at the time was unemployed, scrambling for job interviews, 3 a day at some points, nearly a job interview every day or every two days, I couldn't find anything, I got hired by ups but they went from 8 hour shifts to suddenly wanting 12 hours for 6 days a week which wasn't the original agreed schedule at all and I couldn't physically handle standing that long at a time

I showed up for the one day then never went back because I just felt so defeated like I couldn't even handle that insane of a shift

I still tried really hard to find something, anything, even my ex's mom tried to take me to multiple food pantries and was trying to figure out how to help me and was days away from taking me to a local homeless shelter and was worried sick for me / extremely appalled by her own son

His own brother beat him for leaving me that way and just told me to survive and take care of myself and I promised him I would

I also had the memories of past Dom's shouting at me to not give up all their previous progress in my healing journey

Cammy especially always pops up in the back of my head as a steady "keep going" figure

My therapist said they're pillers these days / parts of my brain that trigger encouragement and strength when the rest is struggling etc

So I couldn't give up on them.. 

Or our past progress

That was ours and mine

And my brain is still mine

And I refuse to stay in this stupid neighborhood mentally, Ive already been here, I already left here, I can do again, I just hate how arduous it's going to be to do a second time

Cause the way my ex left me, it shattered me mentally and reinforced what my family told me; "I don't matter"

These days people argue that I do, my new boss especially - "I don't care that you're shy, I care that you're honest, I don't fly with workplace bullying and bs domination, if someone hurt you, you tell me, no exceptions" etc

That was striking and cut through so much mental noise and wiring, (someone at work tried to bully me and he damn near went nuclear on them immediately) 

Meanwhile the regulars constantly tell me how I'm the best at cleaning and chores and how much they deeply appreciate that I make the building as clean as possible when there and several even offered hiring me for their company

I turned down the job offers cause I didn't understand the praise and didn't know them very well

But my cleaning is just my default from the high society grocery store where we had to be pristine all the time about everything, so its just a way to show respect for my old managers who looked out for me at the grocery store, even if I'm several States away, I still believe in energy and carrying them with me in a way, so I feel I owe it to them to do my job well no matter what, that's just a default they popped next to the other stuff doms had put in place and it fit right alongside their plug ins

But I'm still deeply traumatized and trying to heal, case in point, my air mattress popped last night and I couldnt fix it and my first thought when I woke up on the floor, wasn't, oh, it popped or oh I need a new bed now, granted that came later after i woke up, but my immediately first thought was "wow is Chris a piece of human shit and this is his fault Im even dealing with this in the first place and god I wish I could beat the shit out of him rn" that was my genuine first thought before logic me woke up emotional and trying to solve the bed crisis

I don't like that he made me hate him

I don't like that he traumatized me

I don't like that he nearly reversed years of grueling emotional and mental effort

I don't like that he took away my sweetness and left me extremely hateful towards him

But I know hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting it to effect the other person

I know I need to spit it up

I just don't know how

At least not yet

But I'm still trying to schedule sessions with my therapist

I still have homework therapy books

I still have 10 books I need to get from the book store to work in

I still have books saved on Amazon for more homework

I still already completed 4 major cptsd work books for the time being

I still have my last doms nudging me to be healthy cause they have standards and damn it so do I

So I will bury myself in as many homework books as it takes to heal from junk and try to be as cooperative with my therapist and her meds as much as humanly possible

Because I want to heal

It's my brain

I didn't let my dad have it

My ex doesn't get it either

Even if I have to rip down my own fortress walls

I don't care if it hurts

I just care that I heal

Now granted that's psychology self harm if I'm not careful but still, that's how pissed I am, cause I would rather destroy shit in the hopes of fixing something than stay this way

Some people wanted me to write how I'm strong and blah blah, I don't feel strong, I feel angry, violated and disgusted with the last year. And I don't wanna lie about it, but I don't plan to stay here mentally either if I can help it. 

Plus if I wrote something like that it would of been fake, and I don't wanna be that either ever again

.... And by new friend I mean I somehow now have a buddy who's a hells angel.. 

I don't even know how the hell I pulled that off, not the first one I've met, but we were being idiots at work for weeks and suddenly today he drops the rank tats and shows me everything and it's like oh, okay, anyway I like this sandwich over that one (I'm not easily phased) and told him how I had a very colorful history with biker and thug people who I genuinely am greatful for and how I view most these days as the ones to turn to during bs

But it got me thinking, we're both part of a society that's never supposed to break code, but dumbass here is like hey wanna see my ink and I'm just sitting here like

There's no way this idiot is sharing this freely, this is important for some reason

So I plan to share my rank and lifestyle thing discretely next time I see him

Cause fair is fair and even I've been wondering what the hell the cross over is like and if he'd even understand

Like... Do bikers know about the lifestyle? Let alone the convoluted hell that is pets and our bs? 

He says he protects rock bands a lot so... Given tons of them are drenched in the lifestyle and regular dungeon goers.. Uh,.. He's probably aware of something, not sure how deep this rabbit hole is about to go but ya

Now am I being dumb as hell breaking our number one rule of we don't say shit to people? 

Absolutely

Granted yes I will be discreet and private and careful about it but ya

I never do this

Like.. Maybe once in a while or if people clock me in two seconds, which has happened plenty before

But this wasn't clocking, this was different, and now I'm fascinated by his bs

.... So ya the cat found the cat nip and ya I'm already drafting my eulogy to whatever sadist catches wind of this massive glaring transgression lmfao

Speaking of, how is you, hows your community, yall have been quiet and I can tell it's not an accident, yall are always plotting shit

But I noticed your community got extremely quiet lately and ya, I'm curious about that too, but I know better than to paw when you're busy at your world domination, or whatever you guys got going on

.... This is what happens when people leave animals unsupervised lmao

And god... I have been very very unsupervised at work.. 

Granted I do fine but ya

Funnily enough, the extensive research I did on Hell's angels did in help me learn something about myself too

Specifically, wtf is my rank, the cat bs has entirely intricate hierarchy structures

Big cats at the top, domestic at the bottom, 

Started reassessing my previous rank and where I've come since then and how I've changed and my prestige and past relationships and everything

Given my stuff, I've moved from domestic maincoon to still domestic but more independent Savannah cat

Not big boss energy, don't really care for that, but enough has gone down where ya.. I'm not as soft or domestic as I used to be.. 

Lately people wanted to date me too (not biker guy but attractive other people) 

And I'm just... Romantically and sexually frustrated cause I can't even date.. 

Cause God did I wanna say yes... I was weak, pulling pretty boys, cute hood types, beautiful types, gorgeous guys with beautiful long hair... And they treated me right too... It physically hurt saying no to them and having to explain I'm off the market because of needing therapy cause my ex was a fuckass

But then the biker dude had me deep in myself in thought... Like, I haven't done a lifestyle thing for... A minute... And it'll be a while before I even agree to be with a master again... 

... I probably need a protector first before intimate bs again.. 

But I was trying to figure out wtf I even am these days

... But seeing as I mopped up blood at work a while back... Ya.. Definitely not a house cat.. 

And history of exes aren't exactly regular people or safe people, not that I was danger seeking, but been with plenty of folks who did have caliber and their own credentials.. 

And given our ranks change based on several factors, ya.. Had to really reasses for a couple hours

Cause it was like, how in the flip fuck do I explain I'm not just a bubbly clerk and was specially trained for high society rich people bdsm? 

... That's not exactly something I can blurt willy nilly

..... If Cammy knew anything he would chain me to a wall and then lecture me to death I'm sure

But eh, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him and he's been screwing around in Europe for years now.. 

Still.. Not someone I wanna ever see down a dark alley

Biker pal was worried I would judge him and it's like haha, cute, ya no, you're not the bs that keeps me up at night like Cammy's ass does

Still wonder wth that guy even got up to these days.. But ya there's at least 3 past owners i would never wanna meet in a dark alley lmfao

But a hells angel bestie? Wee, that's so much more safe compared to the bs I've already 

Dealt with, biker pals are common at my jobs and we usually get along great

But I have to wonder if he already has suspicions yet or not

Meanwhile I am 85℅ convinced my boss already clocked me weeks ago and has been acting dommy as fuck with me, not in a bad way but absolutely in the high protocol military rules bs ways... Cause he slipped some of his own tells lately too and ya.. 

Can't ever escape you dorks can I? 

Cammy trained me too well and I'm even shotty these days and still clocked in public at random. 

Annoying... 

But oh well, not like I can suddenly leave after 14 years deep and still going

Am curious about the scene here and in Chicago but too busy and skittish to really reach out

Maybe I'll check out a pride event down the road or something.. 

We'll see... 

Sometimes I do wonder if I should poke the high society stuff again but God.. It's so mentally exhausting and classist and elitest and I got so burned out

But people still clock things and can tell my behavior isn't just "oh I grew up in the ghetto"..no, they argue about how I'm a lady and shouldn't be touching trash and proceed to argue that they should take the trash instead because I deserve that level of respect (I wish I was making this up) 

Im still dumbfounded by that.. 

I'm treated very highly at this gas station

It's kinda nuts... 

Is it me? My aura? My personality? I don't get it... I want to... But it's confusing me so much.. 

And God.. I hate being single, I want to date, I want to have fun, I want to tell those pretty boys yes but I can't and that's a special kind of agonizing hell. 

So instead, I got therapy work books, a cactus plant to raise and a projector to watch tv and took myself to dinner at hardes.. 

Cause I can at least romance myself

But god saying no to pretty boys makes me wanna eat the fucking drywall ... Like God, I hate this.. A cat in heat is not a happy cat, a cat not allowed to date is even worse

Been here a few days

It's quiet... Little hums of neighbor's tvs or one tiny doggy, not much noise beyond that

I don't miss the slamming of locker doors

I don't miss the loud as fuck hand dryer

I'm overjoyed I have a bathtub again

So far I was given a couch, a little dining table and two chairs, a microwave and some dishes

I got 3 blankets too which is cozy

Sleeping on the couch has been really nice

It's a nice couch

The shelter beds were really firm futon type things, not very comfortable

The couch is soft and I sink a little and cuddle into it and it's nice

The weather here has been all over the place

Hot one day, snow the next, tornado warnings, wind from hell etc

Used the public bus system I was trying my hardest to avoid using

The good news, it did get me from point a to point b a couple times

The bad news

You feel every pot hole

It is the bumpiest thing known to mankind

It made me 15 to 20 mins late to work

There's no seat belts and you're josseled around like hell

.... Ya, not really something I would recommend.. 

I still gotta use it a little as I got stuck in between pay days

Just 2 more days to go then I'll be fine

Thankfully my boss has been cool and understanding about everything lately

But I guess I'll confess that ya, getting the apartment kinda took everything for a second, in paid weekly so it's not a big deal but oof

So yea I'm living off rice bowls, ravioli and canned meat, but I have had juice and veggies for several meals so I'm trying haha.. 

The oats were too expensive here and I didn't really wanna live off oatmeal lmao

But I've been making snazzy rice bowls for cheap so I'm trying to make sure I'm alright

And I'll get real groceries once pay day lands

Lately I've been better about taking my meds and doing my skin care

Even took care of my feet

I can tell I lost a lot of weight though.. 

My curves are extremely pointy and my thighs got thinner. 

I know I was like 315 lbs at some point last year, then 305 lbs, then 295 lbs, then 285 lbs so I think I'm like 275 lbs ish currently? I'll have to get a scale and see... 

Between last may and now... It's been a lot.. 

My brain lately feels like

Last May feels like it happened 6 months ago

Living 6 months at mom's feels like it never happened

Living 3 months at a shelter felt like 3 weeks

And honestly.. I feel like I was fake living at the shelter... Like some days it felt obvious I was acting and wearing a mask and other days felt genuine.. But the "friends" I made... Were we even friends? It felt shallow and surface level even coming from me, no real deep connections.. Everyone was like oh you gotta visit some time or invite me for dinner and I was like haha ya....... Probably never gunna actually happen.. Others are like, give yourself time, you'll make friends.. And I'm just.. Over it?... I'm still healing from bs, and grieving things and I feel like I'm being a rude person by not wanting to make friends... I want to but I'm so exhausted and burned still that I genuinely can't right now.. I wish Arkansas never happened..

A message I'll never send to my ex - purely venting exercise -

-----

What i would send -

You're a piece of shit, i don't wish for your death but i also wouldn't prevent it, i really fucking hope you hate my guts like you made me hate you, i worshipped your existence, your cock, your soul, your birthday, your breath at night, did that mean fucking nothing you absolute piece of garbage? You left me for fucking dead, i almost drowned myself in that stupid fucking apartment i didn't even want, i was living on nothing but beans and rice for 5 weeks before giving up and calling my mom, i got abused by her and Jason when i tried to live with them and now I'm in a fucking homeless shelter because you wanted to be a piece of shit coward when Jacobi got arrested, we could of figured out bills, we could of tried to fix things, i still loved you at that time you fucking garbage can, but now? 5 weeks with not a single check in, nearly a year with no check in, you're just a fucking coward, i can't believe i worshipped you like a god, i really thought you could be mine, i really thought we could grow old together, i really thought i could have a future with you, i really thought i could trust you, HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SING ME TO SLEEP AND LEAVE ME CRYING ON THE FLOOR BY MYSELF - HOW FUCKING DARE YOU HOLD ME WHEN I WAS CRYING JUST TO VANISH WHEN I NEEDED YOU MOST - I DON'T CARE THAT WE BROKE UP, I CARE THAT YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT TO SOMEONE WHO USED TO BE YOUR PET - i was supposed to be your world, cause you were mine you fuck ass - even when i was mad, i still wanted to be nice to you, even when you left me for dead, i still blamed myself, even when i loved you i still hated myself for trusting you.

These days you're dead to me and it can't ever change because my brain switched over. I hate you for making me hate you, i didn't want to hate you, i wanted a life with you you fucking idiot

I don't know why I'm even writing this, I'm worthless to you and apparently have been for longer than i realized at the time, but even i still remember April 29 - i bet you don't even care what that day used to be, i still remember December 24th, i bet you don't care about it anymore, i still remember our dates, but you were probably just going through the motions weren't you?

Did you ever fucking love me? Was it all a lie? Did you just get bored of me or lose interest in the sex?

My only regret is loving someone i thought was genuine

But you never fucking were, were you?

I'm glad you haven't contacted me, it gave me time to realize what a piece of shit you are

You aren't a Master, a sadist or a prince, you're a goddamn coward who ran the second life got hard

News flash dumbass, life was never easy

But I'm sure you'll run all your life

That's a lonely pathetic existence and i don't pity you

Frankly, you get what you deserve

Also - even setting aside the relationship, d/s and living together for years

WHO THE FUCK LEAVES ANOTHER PERSON HOMELESS ON PURPOSE

YOU'RE A FUCKING MONSTER

Are you entirely fucking devoid of empathy and a goddamn conscious?

I can't believe I ever fucking loved you, what a fucking waste of the years I wasted on you

------------------------

Getting therapy twice a week for anxiety, depression, cptsd 

Getting meds for my mental health issues

Treated like a person who's real and actually matters

Just got a job secured

Start that in a couple days

Weekend shifts but roughly 865$ a month

I can fix things slowly with that

Got health insurance coverage

All the things I needed to fix, are actually getting fixed here... And no one thinks I'm stupid, no one is screaming at me, no one is demanding I work from home, no one is demanding money that doesn't belong to them, no one is snooping my bank account, no one is saying give me money or out you go

People ask how I'm doing

People ask if I tried this job and that

People ask me what I wanna have a career in

People ask me what makes me happy

People ask me what motivates me

People ask me if we can color stuff together or hang out and walk to the dollar store up the road

People treat me like a person

Something my family and ex boyfriend never did or completely failed to continue to do

It's sad but running to a shelter was the best decision I've ever made.. 

It's helping put my life back together.. 

In real lasting ways. 

I wrote something for my ex for therapy sake

It's mostly just venting and clearing the cobwebs

--------

I believed in you

-

Because for the first time, I thought you were my plan A, I thought I could trust you, I thought we would have children, I thought we would grow old together, the part of me that loved you, she loved you with her entire heart, but you never cared from the start, I'm still grieving the future lost, the belongings, the emotional and psychological trauma, the me who you almost made homeless and left for dead

Did those nights I held you when you cried mean nothing?
Did I also mean nothing?
Did those dates mean nothing?
Of course not, why would they
It's silly to trust the person you love and see a future with right?
I guess I was silly then
For trusting someone to be a father to children, go grow old with someone by my side who I thought was my best friend
I know you don't care
You never did
You were so convinced I would hate you
I tried my hardest to hate you
But it never lasted because that hopeless romantic still cared about you
But now?
I don't hate you
But you're dead to me
I only feel that way about 3 people
It's not hate
It's an emptiness where the romance used to be
Like a wilted dried out rose, it's just dead now
But you probably don't care about that either
You're a piece of shit narcissist who nearly stole my future and life from me
I nearly went bye bye at the end of everything...
But you wouldn't care
You'd probably blame me for it
Or you'd play the victim and say how you're the worst person ever
Ya well
Maybe you are
I always said you weren't but you frankly rivaled my psychopath of a dad so no. You are the worst piece of shit I've ever had the displeasure of knowing
You dismantled my sanity, my ability to make friends and new relationships
You were never a Prince
You were never a Master
You were never a good person
You were and are a piece of shit

It's been about 130 days since everything fell apart and I still have 7 to 10 years of extensive therapy I'll need to undo all the damage that you did

Thanks asshole

Cause I totally wanted to be psychologically struggling in my 40s

I believed in you
I believed in our future
I believed in the happiest I was trying to create
But you never did
And now that girl that loved you? You're dead to her and it's never going to change
Because once someone is dead to me
It's a permanent mental lock
But you don't care
You'll never realize who you lost
You'll just continue to use and hurt those who love you
What a pathetic existence you decided to live
You don't get my empathy, sympathy or pity, you get nothing but my silence

So how am I doing now? 

Ahahaha - terrible

Trauma is dumb, abuse is even dumber, ptsd is even worse.. 

It's been 80 days since everything happened yet it still only feels like it's been a week? 

Oddly enough, found a lot of new singers writing songs about shitty ex's, I guess the universe doesn't want me feeling alone.. 

But why are all of us hurting? Why can't we just be happy? 

Why do monsters, narcissists, psychos and others have to claw at our hope, love and kindness? 

We only have so much... 

It would run out eventually wouldn't it? 

Some say I'm strong cause I survived, but I still feel broken

Others say I'm strong for crying, but I still feel weak and embarrassed and like an idiot.. 

Others say don't blame yourself, you did your best with what you had - but did I? I don't know... I'm probably being too hyper critical... 

I've had 4 nightmares so far

1 violent panic attack in the middle of my sleep

So many nights I couldn't sleep and just stared at the ceiling or doom scrolling apps or just staring at the backs of my eyelids.. 

Insomnia is here to stay I guess

I didn't notice when it walked in but it's a resident now.. 

I think it's been two weeks since I've slept normal? 

Even writing this, I've been awake since noon yesterday?.. 

I probably have anger at the situation somewhere but I just feel so exhausted and sad and tired... 

I don't even have the energy to be angry.. 

I can call them bad people, I can call them names but I'm still crying trying to find all the pieces of my heart... They got scattered so far away in the dark... I'm still not even sure if I can find them all.. They were already scattered, then this mess just made everything worse.. I'm so tired.. 

I'm tired of being sad, of being lied to, of being abused, of being a physical or emotional punching bag for people.. 

I just want friends

I just want romance and love

I just want peace

I just want to sleep without crying into my pillow.. 

I know monsters target the soft ones on purpose but I'm too soft for this shit. 

I'm not okay

I hate them so goddamn much

They fucked me up so bad that I'm going to need so much goddamn therapy and medication.. 

I hate them. 

But I'm still crying even saying that.. 

I'm just so tired... Of crying... Of being hurt.. I just want peace... I want so badly to sleep without crying and shaking in fear.. 

Maybe I'll find it one day.. 

So due to my ex being a bigger pos than I imagined, I had to completely move and restart my life. 

After several job interviews going no where, I said f it and called my mom, she immediately came to get me so I moved 2 states away from my ex and I'm at least in a cozy house with access to regular groceries

Why my ex is a scum bag - through turning in my keys to the apartment people, we learned he had an entire plan to make me homeless, something I knew nothing about. 

He was getting into drinking and hiding stuff from people so I don't fully know what happened to him but I frankly don't care, no one deserves to be homeless, so to know the guy I wasted 7 years on was perfectly okay doing that to me, f him. 

A lot of me is traumatized and going to take a long time to recover and heal let alone trust someone again

A lot of me wants to become cynical, hateful and give up on the concept of romance and people as a whole

But I don't wanna give that pos the satisfaction of breaking me

He's done enough damage, I'm not losing my soul over this

I'm still heart broken and devastated by everything but then I got angry looking at my bank statements and how over the years, he only gave me 3 grand after begging for gas money for work or groceries, meanwhile i had sent him 12 grand over the years on top of buying all the furniture for the apartment because I thought he was someone worth loving. But no, he's just a lost sad pos who's now sleeping on his mom's couch and lost everything, including me. 

I have no idea how to start my life over from scratch, I almost don't even want to be a kitten again because that side of me is so emotionally exhausted

But I moved to a state that's lgbtq friendly / kink friendly, they have so much visibility here and it's helped me feel safer seeing all the flags everywhere. 

So screw the past, I'll make the best of this new chapter of my life even though I'm terrified of a lot.