Kitten's Enthsiastic Articles

Getting therapy twice a week for anxiety, depression, cptsd 

Getting meds for my mental health issues

Treated like a person who's real and actually matters

Just got a job secured

Start that in a couple days

Weekend shifts but roughly 865$ a month

I can fix things slowly with that

Got health insurance coverage

All the things I needed to fix, are actually getting fixed here... And no one thinks I'm stupid, no one is screaming at me, no one is demanding I work from home, no one is demanding money that doesn't belong to them, no one is snooping my bank account, no one is saying give me money or out you go

People ask how I'm doing

People ask if I tried this job and that

People ask me what I wanna have a career in

People ask me what makes me happy

People ask me what motivates me

People ask me if we can color stuff together or hang out and walk to the dollar store up the road

People treat me like a person

Something my family and ex boyfriend never did or completely failed to continue to do

It's sad but running to a shelter was the best decision I've ever made.. 

It's helping put my life back together.. 

In real lasting ways. 

I wrote something for my ex for therapy sake

It's mostly just venting and clearing the cobwebs

--------

I believed in you

-

Because for the first time, I thought you were my plan A, I thought I could trust you, I thought we would have children, I thought we would grow old together, the part of me that loved you, she loved you with her entire heart, but you never cared from the start, I'm still grieving the future lost, the belongings, the emotional and psychological trauma, the me who you almost made homeless and left for dead

Did those nights I held you when you cried mean nothing?
Did I also mean nothing?
Did those dates mean nothing?
Of course not, why would they
It's silly to trust the person you love and see a future with right?
I guess I was silly then
For trusting someone to be a father to children, go grow old with someone by my side who I thought was my best friend
I know you don't care
You never did
You were so convinced I would hate you
I tried my hardest to hate you
But it never lasted because that hopeless romantic still cared about you
But now?
I don't hate you
But you're dead to me
I only feel that way about 3 people
It's not hate
It's an emptiness where the romance used to be
Like a wilted dried out rose, it's just dead now
But you probably don't care about that either
You're a piece of shit narcissist who nearly stole my future and life from me
I nearly went bye bye at the end of everything...
But you wouldn't care
You'd probably blame me for it
Or you'd play the victim and say how you're the worst person ever
Ya well
Maybe you are
I always said you weren't but you frankly rivaled my psychopath of a dad so no. You are the worst piece of shit I've ever had the displeasure of knowing
You dismantled my sanity, my ability to make friends and new relationships
You were never a Prince
You were never a Master
You were never a good person
You were and are a piece of shit

It's been about 130 days since everything fell apart and I still have 7 to 10 years of extensive therapy I'll need to undo all the damage that you did

Thanks asshole

Cause I totally wanted to be psychologically struggling in my 40s

I believed in you
I believed in our future
I believed in the happiest I was trying to create
But you never did
And now that girl that loved you? You're dead to her and it's never going to change
Because once someone is dead to me
It's a permanent mental lock
But you don't care
You'll never realize who you lost
You'll just continue to use and hurt those who love you
What a pathetic existence you decided to live
You don't get my empathy, sympathy or pity, you get nothing but my silence

So how am I doing now? 

Ahahaha - terrible

Trauma is dumb, abuse is even dumber, ptsd is even worse.. 

It's been 80 days since everything happened yet it still only feels like it's been a week? 

Oddly enough, found a lot of new singers writing songs about shitty ex's, I guess the universe doesn't want me feeling alone.. 

But why are all of us hurting? Why can't we just be happy? 

Why do monsters, narcissists, psychos and others have to claw at our hope, love and kindness? 

We only have so much... 

It would run out eventually wouldn't it? 

Some say I'm strong cause I survived, but I still feel broken

Others say I'm strong for crying, but I still feel weak and embarrassed and like an idiot.. 

Others say don't blame yourself, you did your best with what you had - but did I? I don't know... I'm probably being too hyper critical... 

I've had 4 nightmares so far

1 violent panic attack in the middle of my sleep

So many nights I couldn't sleep and just stared at the ceiling or doom scrolling apps or just staring at the backs of my eyelids.. 

Insomnia is here to stay I guess

I didn't notice when it walked in but it's a resident now.. 

I think it's been two weeks since I've slept normal? 

Even writing this, I've been awake since noon yesterday?.. 

I probably have anger at the situation somewhere but I just feel so exhausted and sad and tired... 

I don't even have the energy to be angry.. 

I can call them bad people, I can call them names but I'm still crying trying to find all the pieces of my heart... They got scattered so far away in the dark... I'm still not even sure if I can find them all.. They were already scattered, then this mess just made everything worse.. I'm so tired.. 

I'm tired of being sad, of being lied to, of being abused, of being a physical or emotional punching bag for people.. 

I just want friends

I just want romance and love

I just want peace

I just want to sleep without crying into my pillow.. 

I know monsters target the soft ones on purpose but I'm too soft for this shit. 

I'm not okay

I hate them so goddamn much

They fucked me up so bad that I'm going to need so much goddamn therapy and medication.. 

I hate them. 

But I'm still crying even saying that.. 

I'm just so tired... Of crying... Of being hurt.. I just want peace... I want so badly to sleep without crying and shaking in fear.. 

Maybe I'll find it one day.. 

So due to my ex being a bigger pos than I imagined, I had to completely move and restart my life. 

After several job interviews going no where, I said f it and called my mom, she immediately came to get me so I moved 2 states away from my ex and I'm at least in a cozy house with access to regular groceries

Why my ex is a scum bag - through turning in my keys to the apartment people, we learned he had an entire plan to make me homeless, something I knew nothing about. 

He was getting into drinking and hiding stuff from people so I don't fully know what happened to him but I frankly don't care, no one deserves to be homeless, so to know the guy I wasted 7 years on was perfectly okay doing that to me, f him. 

A lot of me is traumatized and going to take a long time to recover and heal let alone trust someone again

A lot of me wants to become cynical, hateful and give up on the concept of romance and people as a whole

But I don't wanna give that pos the satisfaction of breaking me

He's done enough damage, I'm not losing my soul over this

I'm still heart broken and devastated by everything but then I got angry looking at my bank statements and how over the years, he only gave me 3 grand after begging for gas money for work or groceries, meanwhile i had sent him 12 grand over the years on top of buying all the furniture for the apartment because I thought he was someone worth loving. But no, he's just a lost sad pos who's now sleeping on his mom's couch and lost everything, including me. 

I have no idea how to start my life over from scratch, I almost don't even want to be a kitten again because that side of me is so emotionally exhausted

But I moved to a state that's lgbtq friendly / kink friendly, they have so much visibility here and it's helped me feel safer seeing all the flags everywhere. 

So screw the past, I'll make the best of this new chapter of my life even though I'm terrified of a lot.