Particles

This is my life right now. Lotsa maybes.

I thought maybe, just maybe I will dip my toes back into the water, go looking for a sub male. 

It should be easy. Ha. Not really. Finding a fit with likes and dislikes, finding a male who is a true submissive and not a pretender and lives locally is a challenge.

And man, with everything else I am doing at the moment I don't want to waste time on those who are just mucking about.

My time is precious. As is my experience and my desires. 

Resolute resolutions. Broken daily. 

I found myself wondering why I am back here after losing the love of my life.

At first I thought.. I don't know why. Then had the lightbulb moment. 

It is simply that I miss this - and this was a big part of our lives together. There is a kind of comfort in coming here. 

Sharing this part of our lives with family or friends will never happen. This is my secret place. I can read his profile, his notes sent to me here.

And --  I can connect with others who get to see a part of me that is usually hidden. 

So while I am not really looking for a relationship beyond friendship right now I am grateful to have a safe space to be me. 

OKay... there is a topic in the Forum about the use of or even the need for a Safe Word.  It has made me think about how it has been applied in my own life experience.

As a Domme I am hyper aware of a subs condition. To me that is part of my responsibility.  I am also free to let them squirm and beg because I know they have that safe word. Most of the subs I have played with liked being able to plead, beg and cry out "no" and "stop" - it was a form or release for them as well. I know this because it was discussed long before my flogger or quirt was in my hand. Long before we were engaged in play.

My biggest problem arose with a sub who had decided he would never use the word - no matter what. When he shared this with me I told him I could no longer play with him - it was too worrisome for me.

Now how many times have I heard the safe word when I have been with a sub? Zero. Zero times. I think this is because I do pay attention. If there comes a time I do hear that word things will come to a full stop for a discussion of what happened so as not to repeat what happened.

I am a sexual sadist. I do derive pleasure from the pain I inflict. That does not make me a bad person - I have never inflicted pain on someone who didn't desire it. The one very big thing I like about BDSM is the communication. Everything is out and on the table - and if there are surprises they can be dealt with more communication - and a safe word if it is needed.

I lost my husband to cancer last September. He was my #1 sub - and I could read him like a book. That in itself was a gift. 

A few years ago I told my husband he could use that word for anything at anytime and I would drop whatever I was doing and we would take care of whatever the problem was. Unconventional - yes, but I thought it was great shorthand.

One day last September he used that word during his cancer treatment. It got an instant response from me and the issue was dealt with immediately. If he had said anything else I would have been trying to figure out how things were on a sliding scale because there was so much going on. When he used that word I knew whatever was going on was urgent and needed to be dealt with right then. Which it was. It is the only time he ever used it. 

It made me wonder if we all need a safe word.  

I haven't been here for a long time.  I lost my husband after a battle with cancer - he died in September of 2020. 

Our home is full of memories of the life we had together - of his love and his spirit.

He will forever own a huge chunk of my heart. 

Yesterday was pretty awesome.  And fun.

Unlocking him after 6 months was as special for me as it was for him.

I'm still 4 weeks away from getting a complete green light after my surgery - but - every day I feel stronger, and free in a way that wasn't possible before.

I have goals.  Face sitting him. Pegging him without restraint. Hanging him from the ceiling and using my toys until I see tears form in his eyes. 

My love for him is like the deepness of space - no limits to what I would do for him.  In that love is freedom for me to be myself.

For many years I have suffered from an arthritic hip.  Just before before the world blew apart with Covid-19 I had surgery that replaced my diseased pieces with shiny titanium and ceramic.  

Yesterday the surgeon had his 6 week peek with an xray and I was told I can now drive again and have sex (with certain restrictions).

I've been home bound for 6 weeks.

At the 3 week mark I started to feel horny and also wanted the high I get from teasing the hell out of my dear sub husband.  It was a moment for both of us.

He whispered: "Oh how I have missed that laugh!" as I pinched and twisted his nipples and yes - laughed.  When I torture him I do laugh - I giggle - its fun and thrilling. I couldn't do much, but it was enough for both of us. I was inching back into my old self.

After surgery my leg felt like it was a giant swollen log.  It was an effort to move it and it felt alien.  It went from almost dead weight to feeling like a strange slab of meat - heavy and floppy... and then it moved into a leg with little meat platters scattered here and there.  I still have some swelling but it is minimal now - and just as I was able to get rid of the walker for a cane, I am now able to walk part of my day without the cane. 

Why am I sharing this?

Because it is about life's challenges and how we meet them while we are also in this love relationship which includes Domme/sub. I had to rely and still do - on my husband for certain things I cannot do until I am fully healed.  I wondered if or how it might affect the balance between us. Directly after surgery and in the thick of it  I never once thought about it. Instead I thought about what I needed to do to get through my day and how I would do with my physical therapy. Not one thought of D/s or even sex until that night in bed when I felt that tingle between my legs and then reached over to pinch that nipple.

Slowly things are returning to our normal.  I do not yet have my stamina back. 6 more weeks of PT and healing are ahead. 

While things were on hold, they held - the relationship held. I attribute this to our love and our respect for one another.

I am one very fortunate motherfucker.

As a sexual sadist married to a sexual masochist I am free to do as I please and to ask for those things that bring humiliation and sometimes pain. You give me these things freely and I gobble them up like candy. You've no clue really - even though I tell you how great it feels. Here is one more box to check - a little more public humiliation.  

I find this thrilling seeing you in the finery I purchased for you. New short blonde wig coming - so those exposed nipples are more available to torture.

Love and kisses my sweet. 

Submissives are a shy lot.  I have been with my husband for over 15 years and things still pop out he was too shy to reveal he has been sitting on the whole time we've been together.  My love for him has grown over the years, as has my appreciation for who he is.  I've learned what he needs from him but also from just pushing and pulling and watching for the result.  I do play with other submissive males. It is their hallmark this shyness. I embrace it.

I encourage my husband to communicate as much as he likes. He emails me often - and we do sit and discuss things. The good, the bad -  and yes, the ugly. 

Every relationship has friction - its what you do with it that makes the difference. Are you learning? Are you growing? Is the love you feel getting deeper with understanding and practicing patience?

Then there are those moments that are turning points - like the night in bed he was being over-the-top with his neediness - and I grabbed my flogger from the nightstand and let him have it.  He needed that discipline right then - and I needed to re-draw the already established boundaries for him with the pain of that lashing. It changed his outlook and his submission deepened. 

Time and distance help me when dealing with issues like this.  We didn't discuss what happened for 2 days. It fermented and when we finally popped the cap and sat down to discuss what happened my anger was gone and so was his fear. We could actually talk about what happened. 

Every couple has their own process.  This is ours. 

It's true, I love watching you give another man head while I'm holding your head.

Today was awesome. Knowing that my hand on a strange man's cock causes you to feel a stinging pain is also my pleasure.

It is clearly your pleasure as well. That throbbing head of your cock was a tell.  Even with it caged, I could see. 

Your tears feed my soul.

For 9 weeks you've been caged with no release in sight.  I have punished you sometimes violently as is my want - and you've been grateful and loving in every way. There is no other for me.  Playmates are just that - for play. What we share is deep and wide.  I am so very fortunate to have you in my life at all - and this, well this is more than I could have ever hoped for.

I have big plans for you today.  I've been planning this for weeks now.  You don't know it. 

You've sweetly worshiped my body this morning, made breakfast and are prepping our dinner.

When you open those Christmas gifts you may guess what is next. Maybe. A series of firsts will unfold today. 

Merry Christmas Baby