“You haven’t blogged in a while. Do you plan on picking that up again?” his deep voice says through the receiver. I smirk at the phone because we both know that’s all it will take for a new blog post to appear the following day.
First, I’ll preface this post by apologizing for any typos or missing or redundant words. I have a 4 pawed creature sitting in my lap and smacking my hands, who periodically climbs onto my keyboard and makes himself comfortable.
A lot has happened since my last blog post about Sir’s and my relationship. We’ve continued to spend our weekends together and our weekdays in agonizing longing for the other. We’ve continued to fall deeper into the depths of our dynamic and even though we continuously believe we couldn’t possibly love the other more, we still somehow fall more in love every single day.
This all-consuming connection has led to some dark days during the week. We find ourselves having difficulty rationalizing the reasons for our continued long-distance (although there are many important things that need to be handled before he can move). We’ve both found ourselves saying “What if I just packed up my stuff and left everything else behind right now?” Sir’s inability to control the circumstances has made him short-tempered with others and brought out his sadistic side, always seeking an outlet for his frustration. My loneliness has led to tearful nights just staring at the ceiling and a perpetual cloud of sadness that follows me everywhere. We work hard to dull the ache. We text all throughout the day, speak on the phone every night, we have online movie dates, and we send each other letters, but the only time the pain fully subsides is when we’re in each other’s arms.
We’ve had some busy weekends together.
We had our first public scene at a BDSM club.
It was light compared to our normal play, but it showed us both that we aren’t exhibitionists and probably won’t be doing very many public scenes going forward. Our playtime is very intense and we’re very connected and in tune with each other during scenes. While we enjoy the structure of rope bondage and M/s rules, we’re also very primal. We both found it hard to stay deeply focused on each other with the eyes of other people on us and the sounds of those sceneing around us. It doesn’t mean we will never choose to play again when we visit the club, but they probably won't be intimate scenes, rather just practicing rope ties or some such thing.
We went to a rope class.
Rather than teaching certain ties or specific knots, it was a class focused on setting a mood with rope. Rope isn’t just about bondage, it can be used in all kinds of ways. A Dom can use it for control, a sadist can use it to hurt, a Top can use it to restrain, a partner can even use it to soothe. I found this class to be very helpful in expanding our view of ropes. Typically Sir is very structured when it comes to rope. He has a tie in mind, a position he’s looking to restrain me in, a specific amount of discomfort he’s wanting to inflict. And this works for us. The time I spend being idle and pliable while he works my body and the ropes to his desired outcome allows me to get into a submissive and masochistic headspace and prepares me for whatever debauchery comes next. But the class showed us all of the opportunities and ways in which we can incorporate ropes into our play with less structure, rather just following instinct. It also opened our minds to all sorts of fun games that we can play with rope (future blog about that to come).
We went to the zoo.
This was lots of fun! Sir introduced me to a few of his friends that I hadn’t met yet and we walked the zoo together. We saw some neat things and I got to know his friends a bit. The part of this trip that resonated the most with me was when we visited the aquarium portion of the zoo. It’s an indoor area where all the fish and creepy crawlies are visible behind glass. It was crowded in this area, as it was a holiday weekend and everyone was seeking reprieve from the late summer sun. I am a bit claustrophobic. It isn’t small spaces per say, it’s small spaces with other people in the space with me that really gets me in a panic. I’ve been this way since childhood (because of things I went through as a kid). I can usually keep my cool in those situations from years of managing this fear, but all it takes to trigger a panic attack is one of those strangers touching me, like bumping into me or brushing against me as they pass. So when I start to feel my claustrophobia setting in, I will head to the outskirts of the crowd and try to give myself some space. This is what I did at the zoo. Nothing abnormal for me, but it didn’t take more than a couple minutes for Sir to zero in on my change in demeanor, even though it probably wouldn’t have been evident to anyone else. Despite saying I was fine he continued to asses me and coaxed me outside into the fresh air. He didn’t make a big deal about it. Didn’t make me feel embarrassed or ashamed when I offered an apology. He simply changed the atmosphere he knew had caused his kitten to clam up and we proceeded with our day. He has no idea how that made me fall more in love with him that day. He doesn’t know that I spent twelve years in a relationship with a man who doesn’t even know I'm claustrophobic because he never really looked at me, not the way Sir does.
We hung out around Nashville.
We stayed in an Airbnb and laughed in unapologetic awkwardness when we heard our neighbor cough through the apparently paper-thin walls right after we had some pretty noisy playtime. We visited with friends who we’ve become pretty close with, who we actually met right here on the cage. They’ve become a nice support system, normalizing our taboo dynamic with a unique dynamic of their own. It’s been interesting watching them change and develop in their own roles and knowing that maybe we played a part in that. And I am very grateful that we can be ourselves around them 100% of the time. If I’m feeling little, then I act little. If I want to talk about ropes or sex or BDSM, I just talk about it. I can wear my collars without any hidden meaning or purpose. I am pretty much always myself regardless of who is around, but it’s refreshing to know the people you’re around not only accept you but understand you too.
Went to a BSB concert!
My cousin and I danced and sang on the top of our lungs with all the other middle-aged women crying over Nick Carter. She tried to sneak vodka into the event in plastic bags in her bra and they leaked haha. It was amazing.
There was so much more, each day an adventure, but I think I’ve rambled on long enough for today. I’ll try to start blogging again more regularly.
=^.^=
