A few days ago, on another site, I read over a forum post that was a sub basically bashing a Dom for saying he loved him. My first thought was, "Look here, littlebitch... (Don't look at me like that. That was his screenname.)... "No one gets to tell me how I feel, or what to think. And before you go getting all salty, just think about this. Maybe he could have loved you. But, love is a rose, and roses don't typically grow well in salty sand." My second thought was, "oh, fuck it. Why bother saying anything to an obvious douche-nozzle?"
This kind of dovetailed with something a pretty sharp young woman penned on these boards about a week or so ago having to do with the spirituality of submission. I thought at the time, but didn't say anything, that it's a two way street. At least for me it is. As something on the other side of the coin from submission, I have to have that connection before I can try to be...whatever. I mean, if I didn't have a connection with her (sorry fellas), then why would I care to try? The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy.
However...
However, I will be the first to admit that I have made more than my fair share of mistakes thinking that I felt a connection with someone, some form of love, when that spiritual connection was only with a mirage that I thought they were rather than who they really were.
But, either way... whether the connection was to the real person or who they presented themselves as... it still felt real to me. And severing it did hurt. In more than a few cases, badly. While there might have been one or two that were actually a relief, most of them weren't.
Actually, in only one case out of all of my experiences was I the one to sever the connection. Every single other one, she did. That's just... who I am. What I was built, bred, and born. I don't chase, but neither do I leave. I am a stone shelter that remains for she who finds me, makes me her home for awhile, and then moves on. It's what I am. What I've always been.
***shrug***
And maybe that doesn't seem very D-type (much less Alpha), but I can't say as I've ever really cared too much. No one gets to tell me how to be, think, or feel. My lovers and/or submissives (platonic or otherwise) have always been welcome to ask for what they want, or think they do. And, if it suits me, then I will grant it. But, no one gets to tell me what I am beyond what I am to them. And trying to tell me what I think or feel will earn them the back of my head.
So, yeah. I'm a D-type. And have even been accused of being an Alpha type. (Although I hope like hell I'm not as bad as some of the pricks that claim that for themselves!) And, yes. I also have feelings and a spiritual side. Crave a connection be there if I'm going to even attempt to be anything more than a Top for the night.
And, yeah. When that connection is threatened, even severed, it hurts.
And when the pain is bad enough, I have been known to shed a tear or two. Very rarely ever in front of them. I learned that lesson when I was not quite five and broke my collar bone, that crying about shit doesn't help a damn thing, and only makes people feel like shit. So, "suck it up, buttercup." At least 'til I'm alone. Usually. Only twice that I can remember had I trusted the person who was hurting me enough, was open enough to them, when that hurt came at me in a moment that I wasn't expecting it that they actually got to see (or, rather, hear) it.
Generally, though, I wave bon voyage and wish them well on their journey. And wait until they are out of sight to lick my wounds.
The danger, for me, is that takotsubo cardiomyopathy is a thing, as we discovered when Love died. While I'm (demonstrably!) not female (and in fact have been accused of having no feminine side to get in touch with), I was close enough to fifty that my Parkinson's pushed me over the edge on risk factors. The only way I know to describe it was as if a hand of ice was inside my chest alternately squeezing and shredding my heart. And, of course, I couldn't catch my breath.
Well, that was actually pretty understandable. I mean, I had just woken up to find my wife of two and a half decades gone, leaving behind her empty chrysallis! And, while I have limped around for thirteen hours on a re-broken fibula (and with three broken ribs) teaching my classes after a motorcycle wreck on my way to work, this was a different kind of pain.
But, I was beyond startled when a woman coming clean to me that she had lied to me for six months and she belonged to a Dominant that was not me kicked off a similar bout (if not worse). (I've typically told people that was a bout of pneumonia or bronchitis since the pulmonary edema complications were severe enough that I would have been diagnosed.) Well, I mean, I was and I wasn't. I'd always found it beyond odd that people could not be hurt, or at least claimed they weren't, when a lover or even a friend abused their trust. And I had known I was deep, deep, deeply invested. But,... Well, anyway.
I've since learned that it doesn't have to be a heart-break. It can be when my temper escapes my usually decent control. It can be something positive that kicks it off. Hell, I had a slight case when the damn cable company finally sent me the damn paper bill in the mail for those that read my diatribe that passes for a blog about a month ago!
Over the last several months, I've narrowed down and learned to identify when that now familiar feeling is starting to kick in. And I know what to do rather than hie my sorry hide to some white coated menace that should fly south for the winter. I disengage, go off-line, take the phone off the hook, whatever I feel is necessary so that I can meditate, ground and center myself, in as quiet, calm, and stress-free environment as I can manage. Generally, after a day or two, my heart and breathing will steady down (except for a bit of a cough if I didn't catch it soon enough), and I'm ready to step back in the square.
Any road, a special thank you to those who reached out, wondering where I've been, and if I was alright. I wasn't. But, I was doing what I could do to be good to me. And I am in a much better place today.
Any row you have to hoe, always be good to you first. 'Cause if ya don't take care of you, you won't be able to for anyone else that needs you to.
