(Originally posted on another website in response to a thread about the psychological aspects of D/s.)
Take it for what you will, but my two cents is this:
BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.
Bondage and Discipline is easy to tell. Is somebody being restrained in some way? Who is the one doing the restaining and who is the one being restrained?
Likewise, Sadism and Masochism is easy to tell. Is there some form of sensory play going on, and in particular is one of the one-hundred and twenty-seven distinct flavors of pain involved? If so, then who is the one causing and who is the one on the receiving end?
Dominance and submission, however, is not so clear cut. It's all in the mindset of the people involved. Sex does not necessarily play a part in it. In it's simplest form, it is about one doing something to please the other. So, where does it cross that threshold into being a form of D/s relationship?
Frankly, when either of the parties involved recognize that what is being done is being done for the pleasure of the Dominant party. And, the Dominant partner taking steps to have the submissive party do what they wish.
Frankly, this may mean doing nothing but sitting there, on a metaphorical throne, and just by their sheer presence instilling a desire in the submissive to please them.
In my checkered past, I did go the college route of studying relationships, psychology, sociology, counseling, and sex. My intent was to go on to get a Master's degree and eventually hang out a shingle as a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in Sex Therapy.
However, as a clinically-diagnosed sex addict, I realized that me as an MFT/ST was a whole lot like handing a three-year-old a loaded flare gun. You don't know what will happen, but you do know it will make the papers.
So, I wandered off another direction professionally. Specifically, I went to work in the detention units.
And, at first, sure. There was a certain... something for me in controlling these guys. Several of whom were a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier. I told them when to get up, and when to go to sleep. I told them when they could talk, and when to be quiet. I told them when they could eat, drink, piss, and shit. Every moment of their day was strictly controlled and regimented.
And when they didn't do what they were told, I made them do what they were told. And I'm sure back, in the beginning, it must have held some appeal for me, the making. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stuck with it since my first-night training there was a riot.
However... That sort of thing paled for me. When someone does what you tell them to out of fear of you, they have no reason to continue doing it when you are not right there, in their face.
And a moment of relampego swept through me as I understood that if they were only doing it while I was right in front of them, getting in their face, then I wasn't controlling them. They were controlling me. They were making me get in their face to make them do it.
What I needed to do... what I eventually learned to do... was to get inside their heads. Control the mind to control the man. (Or woman. Although, I preferred as much distance between me and the female inmates as I could get.)
For probably the latter three-quarters of my career in detention, I had absolutely no problems on my shifts. And when I was called in to assist on my days or nights off, all I had to do was walk in the room and a full-blown riot would stop.
Why?
Oh, if the riot had just stopped, then it might have been because of my reputation as a hardass who had taken a pistol away from someone aiming it at my face and pistol-whipping their teeth out.
But, it didn't stop there. They would start cleaning up the mess they had made when I asked. (And note that I didn't order anything. I asked.)
Not because I was doling out any reward. Nor was I doling out any punishment. And only in increasingly rare circumstances the further into my career was I the consequence of their action.
It was because I had learned to get inside their heads and stayed there enough that disappointing me was a self-imposed punishment for them. And a half-absent, "Good job. Thank you" from me was all the reward they needed.
After retiring from detention work (and getting a graduate degree in education), I eventually wound up teaching at a local college. And quickly learned to do a modified version for my students.
Oh, again, I had a learning curve since it wasn't really appropriate (according to the Director) for me to require the students when they were not actively working to sit with their feet flat on the floor, fingers laced on the table in front of them, and their eyes on me wherever I was in the room.
And my restraint training would have been very inappropriate!
But, we worked it out as, once again, I managed to get inside their heads and guide them. Even when I wasn't physically present. Even in other classes. Even after graduation.
Looked at in a certain light, although our relationships were (of course!) platonic, I was, in effect, a Dominant for a couple of thousand (and trained Rigger for several hundred, although I categorically deny being Sadistic in my professional life) and went on, in both careers, to train others.
That was professionally. And if you disagree that I was a defacto Dominant for the inmates, students, and trainees, then that is certainly your right. It isn't my place, nor my desire, to make you think anything specific, so long as you practice thinking and often. It is your right to be wrong just as much as you wish.
However, in my personal life, I was still very much Dominant.
I understand that there are some, many in fact, who are submissive in their personal life that are anything but elsewhere. And I'm not knocking anyone for anything. I'm just sayin', "that ain't me."
Hell, while I do drink from time to time, I've only been drunk once in my life because I couldn't stand to cede that control and swore: "never again."
Any road, my point is that even in my personal life, I was the Dominant partner in whatever relationship we might be discussing. Whether platonic friendships or anything but platonic playmates. It's just hardwired into me and I can't be anything else. The absolute most I have ever managed was to just... try not to leak. But, typically, relationships... even friendships... with another Dominant personality who actively tries to wrest control from me just aren't going to last. Even fence humpers (switches) are going to be problematic if they try to switch roles with me.
And I took what I learned in my college courses, in my career as a detention officer, and in my career as a professor into the streets... and between the sheets.
B&D, while I have practiced it many times, is not what made/makes me Dominant. That just made me her Rigger or Disciplinarian (should I choose to play that way).
S/m, while I have practiced it, is not what made/makes me a Dominant. That just made me her Sadist (should I choose to play that way).
Taking her roughly, while I have practiced it, is not what made/makes me a Dominant. That just made me her Top (and both of us extremely satisfied when I choose to play that way).
I was/am Dominant because I was/am a reliable guiding star to set her compass by, a sail to give her movement, and an anchor to keep her from flying off into danger. (Should she choose to avail herself of what I am.)
However...
However, I have been called out for not being a Dominant. Repeatedly, in fact. Which has both exasperated and amused me. Primarily because they decided that I was not a Dominant because I wasn't doing what she wanted.
Drink in the irony for just a moment.
No. If I was swayed by what you wanted, then I would not be a Dominant. I would be a Service Top at best. While your needs are of paramount importance to me, even above my own if I had acceded to being Your Dominant, your wants are far down the list behind mine.
"Well, you don't give me tasks!"
Um. Yes. I did. I told you twelve times today to drink water. Five times you said you weren't thirsty and the other seven you drank anything but water. Soda. Tea. Alcohol. All of which actually dehydrate you rather than hydrate you. Why should I possibly put myself out to come up with another task when you won't do the one you've been given? I didn't ask if you were thirsty and I specifically said water because I did have plans for tonight that were going to require you to be well hydrated, but since you can't accede simple requests... What you mean is, I didn't give you any fun tasks you actually wanted to do.
***shrug***
A Leader without any followers is just a guy out for a walk.
However, a Dominant is still a Dominant even if a specific submissive doesn't submit to him/her. And a submissive is still a submissive even if s/he doesn't willingly consent to submit to a specific Dominant.
Different strokes for different folks and all that. I just know, for me, she is not my submissive and I am not her Dominant unless I am so deeply nested in her head and heart and soul that I understand her completely and even when I am not physically present, still she needs to please me by completing the tasks laid out for her and any other that she sees once she comes to understand my mind, my heart, and my soul as well.
So, nah. For me, I don't think these preceding posts in this thread are off the mark. The psychological aspects are really where Dominance and submission lies. Without that psychological factor, you may be a kinky as fuck duck, but I struggle to see the Dominance or submission in what is happening.
But, again. I have absolutely zero interest in being the bedroom monitor for happy fun times that I wasn't even invited to. So, whatever flips your and your partner(s) switches, whatever you want to call what you are doing, so long as everybody walks away under their own power when done, have fun, kids.
I would say "don't do anything I wouldn't," but you've probably guessed by now that's an incredibly short list. (And one that usually results in some asshole like I used to be telling you what you will do, what you can do, and what you won't like how it turns out if you try for the next twenty years.)
Any row you have to hoe, make yours (and "Yours") a beautiful crop today.
