Hello people. Sorry I dissapeared there. A lot has been going on. In life. With Daddy. With family..just a lot.
So Daddy came back from his last trip and I got my punishment. Called yellow 3 times because it was intense and Daddy respected it. Let's just say I never want to meet grandpa again. The punishments were deserved and forgiveness given. Then when I kissed Daddy goodbye and he drove away I went in an cried.
Some tears were shed because I missed him. But also because my heart was torn feeling like I couldn't keep up with our relationship the way it was. I loved Daddy as my dom but given the age difference I didnt feel like truly we could have a true relationship. One ending in marriage. But I didnt want to tell him.
It led me to consider cutting again. To release the pain. I wanted to hurt myself for feeling I would hurt him. I will admit...and even Daddy doesnt know....i did recut open one of the wounds. But stopped when phone rang and I had to go take my cousins from their home. Finally I told Daddy.
He asked if I wanted to be released. The answer was no. My life without Daddy doesnt make sense....but I'm 26 and I want a vanilla relationship..one I can see marriage in. I care so deeply about Daddy but deep in my heart I know my family could never accept us. Society couldn't accept us. And I couldn't accept that.
So now we are navigating this new state of being. Do not be mistaken. Daddy is still my Daddy. I do not desire nor will seek another Dom. But I am open to explore the vanilla world as is he. It's hard. It will be hard not kissing him as we have determined that's too much of a connection. It's hard navigating rules knowing right now we are cutting off the love relationship of it. But he is the most amazing Dom I have ever had. My life would not be the same without him. And who knows...I may find he is who I do need as my forever. But I have to explore..
I just cant help feeling like a jerk for doing this. I cant help but feeling bad for Daddy. But he seems okay with it and trust me....he controls me just the same. For now though...there is a change in programming...and I'm learning to navigate this new space.
