She was sure it was over. She’d pushed Him too far. Like everyone, He would leave. She wanted to run far, far away. Her usual response. “I don’t need Him,” she thinks.
But this time she knows that’s not true. This time it’s different… and deep down in the gentle whispers of her heart, she knows she can’t believe that anymore. The thought of not belonging to Him makes it impossible to breathe. What will she do? The panic makes it impossible to think of anything beyond Him. Somewhere though, the stirrings of what she has been given on this journey from the beautiful souls who have nurtured and cared for her, begin to surface. “Be still.” “Wait.” “Allow yourself to be vulnerable.”
She realises that she wants to be tormented for Him… if He so wishes it to be.
‘Do you want me to crawl? I will crawl.’
She remembers the promise.
Obedience. Surrender.
Despite the pain in her heart and soul, she finds solace in knowing that this time will be different. This time she will not try to control the outcome. She will simply wait. She will continue to do her tasks, and she will continue to care for herself. This time, she is different. She is stronger. More wise. Ready.
She will keep her heart open.
Every fear her mind can conjure, rises to the surface. She examines and sits with them all. And she realises it’s ok. She will be ok. Her heart has broken before. She has walked this path before. Always slightly different, but the healing is the same. This time though, He has given her a gift that she can carry that is unlike any before. He brought her back to life.
She had fallen in love with Him deeper than she ever had in her life. And He hadn’t just broken her. He had crushed her.
But she doesn’t think these thoughts with any hatred. It actually makes her love Him even more. Why?
Because He showed her that under the right circumstances she can truly come to life.
He showed her that with the right person, she could love far beyond what she had ever dreamed.
And He showed her that she could care so deeply that she was willing to give everything of herself.
She had never trusted that she could do any of these things.
So ultimately, He gave her the most precious gift anyone had ever given her.
He’d shown her that she’s not broken like she thought. He not only showed her that freedom actually does exist, but He set her free from herself. From the chains of her past, and from the chains of her mind. She knew that she could live the rest of her days knowing that even once, she did these things and felt it. Home. And even as her heart shatters at the loss of Him, that makes her the happiest she’s ever been.
“Thank You for that gift,” she thinks. “I will cherish it forever.”
Each day she tries not to ask if she can come to Him. And each day He tells her not to, crushing her a little more. Finally, after three days, He calls her to Him. Her heart sinks. She knows it’s to end things. She is just too much. And not enough. She failed at everything. She was too fat, too frigid, too moody, too demanding, too shy, too vanilla, too inexperienced… on and on it went. There was nothing she could offer that would rectify her behaviour. She is simply not enough.
“Do you need anything from me, Sir?” she had asked. A desperate attempt at being open and available to Him while her heart was breaking with the truth.
‘Come and clean my house while I nap, slave, and then we will talk.’
And then we will talk…
And then we will talk…
And then we will talk…
There it is.
As she drives there, her heart is beating so fast she can’t tell if she’s having a panic attack or not. He’s going to have her clean His house, and then dump her. No. Yes. No. Yes. It doesn’t matter… she will clean His house, and she will do so with integrity. The outcome is not hers to control. She will accept whatever comes.
When she arrives, she’s so nervous she can’t even meet His eyes. ‘The dog and I are going for a walk,’ He says. ‘You clean, we’ll talk when I’m back.’
Cleaning brings so much joy to her. It is one area she knows she did well in her service to Him. Maintaining and keeping His home. Just doing the tasks lifts her heart, so she focuses only on each movement.
He returns and calls to her. She climbs into the bed and snuggles into His arms… and waits. He speaks and she listens. He explains how angry He was. How He needed that space to reflect on how best to move forward. How He needed to find a punishment that would help her understand. A punishment? Something vaguely registers. The night He sent her home. The mention of her being punished. How could she have forgotten that? Her panic overrode any logic or understanding.
She speaks. He listens. He is astounded at how far she had gone. That demon mind of hers taking her to the worst case scenarios and convincing her of truths He’d not spoken.
And then here He was. Telling her His truth.
‘You are mine,’ He says.’ ‘I own you.’
She cries. Relief. Love. Adoration. Something in her let’s go and opens to Him. She feels the completeness of her surrender. All her fears fall away and she shows herself in all her vulnerability. And He loves her. And He wants her. And He Owns her.
There is nothing left. She knows this… feels it. There are no more barriers. Her anger is gone. Her fight is gone. She feels safe. He is the One.
