My life changed when I learned to close doors behind me. I once stayed in touch with everyone I had ever considered as a relationship, as well as the “near misses” and “could have beens.” Forever keeping doors open. Unable to let go. Unable to face endings or finality. The subtle “what if” forever lingering. Once upon a time I didn’t see it that way. I prided myself on my ability to “remain friends” with ex’s, and those I’d connected with. I didn’t understand how people simply moved on… and to be honest, I thought there was something wrong with people who did.
As I become more aware of how much energy and attention is required to create deep bonds with those I care about, I am realising how important it is to be selective about where I spend my energy. How I use that energy. Who I give that energy to. Thankfully, somewhere along the lines I realised that if I was spreading all of my energy around, I was actually only capable of giving each person a little. Nowadays I see that as beneficial to no one. I find no substance in maintaining such shallow connections. As someone who wants depth, to achieve that depth, my focus has shifted. I began closing doors to those no longer in my inner circle. To those from my past. I began to focus on letting go.
These days, as I watch others scurrying around trying to maintain those “what if” connections, I feel for them. I remember that exhaustion. That people pleasing need to make sure I still “looked ok” in the eyes of those I’d known. Forever working at maintaining my “image.” Or perhaps more accurately, facade. That baggage is heavy. I remember that too. But I didn’t realise until just now… sitting here feeling so much lighter. So much less burdened. So much more at peace with having an understanding of where I want to spend my energy. I no longer feel as much the need to try to control how people see me, neither now nor in the past. There is still that worry of not being accepted, however, I try to remember that grace is about respecting and allowing them their experience, their truth, as they see it. It is not my place to interfere with their perceptions of me. I have learned/am learning, to simply close the door. And use that extra time for those in my here and now. Being present. Being available.
