Dancing in darkness and solitude

Thank you BunnyBites for the fun questionnaire, just remember you came here and carried on reading 😂!

1: When did you lose your virginity?
Just after I turned 26 (had an insanely strict mother who was crazy posseive and extremely controlling).

Yes she called during the act (because I was "late" for a curfew as a 26 year old 😡 , YES I panicked and immediately tried to shut it down and no I did not enjoy it and it was my first hit and run (of a sexual nature).

2: Rough sex or soft sex?

Anything hands on works for me, don't think I've experienced enough rough sex to be able to pick one over the other.

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?

>.<...does sniffing undies count? ;p
I don't think I've discovered any yet, although I do have a thing for biting...

4: Weirdest place you've had sex:

In a communal shower area on a plastic chair (yes the door was locked and we were alone in the stalls).

5: Favourite sex position?

Ummm..is that even a question? Don't have a favourite although I do love me some doggy style and reverse cowgirl, I'm also really fond of 69 (I'm a crab/cancer what can I say ;)

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive?

Completely submissive. I've a very strong personality and highly independent, but my preference would always be submissiveness.

7: Have you ever had any one night stands?

Yes.

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?

Wherever we are when it happens, although I'm not sure the floor has made it on my done it list yet. Against a wall is hot too.

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Public/communal shower stalls, beach (at night), on a bench on the beach (again at night).

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?
Yes

11: What does your favourite underwear look like?

On me:
Definitely stockings, maybe some ribbons or lace. Not sure about a favourite still working on that. Want a babydoll dress/nightie but still on my wish list for now.

On male partner: anything plaid, leather always works, love the rugged and well worn look too.

On female partner: whatever makes them feel sexy and comfortable/attractive works for me.

12: How often do you have sex?

Sadly not nearly often enough, when its available/possible as often as my parter is up for it.

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?

Yes but they're not here and adulting must be done gah!

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

Uhhh we've already established I'm a greedy little crab that wants the best of both come on (me) ;○

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?

The condom came off and got stuck inside me, had to fish it out which took a while and was mortifying and slightly traumatic not gonna lie.

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?

Never really been something I'm actively conscious of? Don't know.

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow sex?

Same as above.

18: Are you into dressing up for sex?

Most definitely, my mental wardobe is HUGE!! The real one is just playing catch up and taking a while to grow.

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or shower?

Either works for me.

20: If you could have sex with any celebrity right now, who would it be?

Jensen Ackles or Emma Watson. Although to clarify I'd love to spend time with them and just cuddle/chat, if sex happened too then awesome.

21: Have you ever had a threesome?

Not yet...

22: Do you/would you use sex toys?

I've tried some out and am exploring some, haven't found a favourite yet but these things take time.

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?

Yes although it took me a long time to work towards that and become comfortable with it.

24: Would you have sex with your best friend?

Yes, if the interest was mutual.

25: Is there anything you do after sex?

Clean up, snuggles/cuddles, hydrate and nap if possible. Snacks and just tactile touch.

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?

Erotica/cliterature, soft touches,  sucking on earlobes (yes its weird but damn it gets me going), biting, dry humping and grinding, groping, wearing one of my pretty dresses and lingerie underneath, stockings on freshly shaved legs...I could keep going ^.^

27: Early morning sex or late night sex?

Late night sex that lasts into early morning....

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex?

Their mind/personality. If that doesn't count then their voice and/or the little wrinkles you get from laugh lines.

29: Favourite body part on the same sex?

Their smile when they're happy and just being themselves.

30: Do you watch porn?

Very VERY rarely (would opt for literature over viewing stuff 99% of the time) but when I do its usually girl on girl or watching girls receive oral (that's how I knew I was Bi 😂)

Ever since I was a child I've always had a deep and often overwhelming urge to question, clarify, confirm that what I think I am hearing is being understood correctly.

That my thoughts are coherent, and what the person who's communicating with me is intending. Because my mind brings forwards a myriad of different possibilities and potential ways that my response can be interpreted. 

How the wording could possibly be misconstrued, misunderstood or possibly twisted to mean something else. Whether or not it can come back to bite me in the ass. 

I remember these thoughts constantly shouting in my mind, keeping me on guard and always having me second guess myself and everything that is "safe".

That my responses are reasonable and make sense, and cannot be held against me because my logic and thought processes constantly strive to resolve every potential issue before they could possibly arise.

I use to be practically catatonic with anxiety and fear, a deep and dire urge to please everyone around me. Fix all the problems, do everything that needed to be done ahead of time, so well that nothing could be faulted. 

I was raised believing that I wasn't allowed to be happy. That I was different from my siblings and that I had to have permission to do just about anything unless I was specifically instructed to do so. And when I showed emotions I was either pushed away, ridiculed or punished. Told I was too clingy. Too needy. Too noisy. Always too much and yet never enough.

As I grew older and broke these teaching, as I forced these ingrained behaviours out of my system and changed my outlook and responses,  I can look back and see so many instances of emotional and mental abuse.

Times of physical abuse and most often neglect. My earliest memories are blank blurs, very patchy and extremely difficult to place in a coherent timeline.

Most of my childhood is a black hole of nothing.

Nothing but a big patch of empty, hollow fleeting darkness. 

I know there were times of suicidal ideation. Of wondering what would happen if I suddenly disappeared, or never even existed. 

Some of the few things that brought me joy were my teddies (stuffies as some know them), animals and nature. Reading books and gaming when I was sporadically allowed to. I understand that these were all means of escape for me, and I feel that even now decades after all the miserable childhood drama us gone, they still serve as faithful and beautiful lights in those dastardly times.

These are some of the only times I felt something, and the only things that sparked even an ounce of joy in my life through some very difficult and troubling years. 

I'm sure I'm not alone in all this, as I'm positive many littles and middles experienced much the same in their lives, leading them here eventually. But I find it interesting and incredibly bittersweet that these things became my anchor, a coping mechanism that's carried me from those days to where I am now. 

Why am I sharing such somber and morose thoughts this evening? 

In case anyone else still struggles with these feelings and thoughts creeping up on them. Still has haunting moment where they freeze in horror wondering if something they've said has been taken the wrong way, or unknowingly created some kind of dilemma or struggle for another.

Because even years after these things are done and over, the shadows still linger and have a hold. The thoughts are just a whisper now, but they're always there, pushing and prodding for moments of weakness or vulnerability. 

And because I am so very happy and thankful that that is no longer my life. That those thoughts don't hold me hostage anymore, and are just passing visitors in small spaces of time. That I've grown strong enough to move past them, hold my head up high and say no matter what the outcome is I will rise and handle it. I will step forward and not be held down by the weight of that darkness, like a shroud of misery and sadness. 

These things will always have a place for me, but they are no longer a part of me. And for this I am grateful. 

You can't log into Facebook anymore because EVERY. TIME. YOU. DO!!! You end up seeing books you want to read on KU and open them in a browser tab so you can add them to your tbr list.

And constantly have over 80 tabs open (even AFTER) you've saved a ton to your bookmarks) at least 75 of which are said books you're lining up to read...gah! Book addiction is a real thing people,  why oh why can't I just get paid to read? ????

Does it make sense when I say I am hollow?

That my feelings play hide and seek?

That I feel left out, and kept out and shunned by most around me.

That the ones who care and try to reach me, feel like distant echoes...

Like we're separated and they can't see what I see.

I can't feel what they want, its just an empty hollow hole.

And the place where I should be is covered in grey. 

Like I've been cut off from the living and have no place among the ghosts.

Unreal and indifferent, 

Cold and methodical.

Just a shadow of who I could be.

My life bleeds away moment by moment,

Like the phases of the moon

The days rush by

Over in the blink of an eye.

I feel pieces of me come apart and drift away on the wind, 

between everyone and everything that I come into contact with.

I feel the energy drain away,

My voice it cracks and breaks.

I'm not who I was before and its all turning up blank.

Years are lost in a haze, 

like a bad mystery inside a maze.

And I trudge along the empty path, 

Between what once was and what I thought I'd have.

Forgotten bits carry in the wind, 

Memories of another being,

Another life, things once loved.

Empty arms and invisible hugs. 

A shadow crossing over me wnd whispering lost imaginings,

Of a time before when things might have been, but never will be again.

Recently I was doing some laundry and offered to throw someone else's stuff in to have a full load. It was a guys stuff, we all use the washers and dryers and I'm used to doing my families laundry so doesn't phase me to mix stuff together.  His comment when handing me his stuff was "you can sniff my underwear or something along those lines ?" and my instinctive response was I only sniff my own undies (to which he blanked on a reply?). 

Thinking back I can't recall having ever sniffed another person's things before, but I have had a thing about smelling my own for a long while, especially after I've been aroused?.

I love the smell of sex, its one of my favourites, and while it occurs to me that this may be somewhat odd behaviour I'm sure I'm not the only one who does it ??. 

Does anyone else have any dirty little secrets they'd like to share that seem odd? Curiosity is tickling me what can I say...think the song says it best.

This is just a wish sent out to the powers that be, its Mama Grey Eyes birthday today and I hope its the best one she's ever had-to date!! 

This wonderful and amazing woman has been a light and a shining star in my life ever since she came into it, and many times before on our past lives when our souls crossed before.

She has been so brave, courageous and steadfast throughout all her trials and taken everything that life has thrown at her not only in her stride, but reined it in and ridden it into the sunset to live her best life and achieve the happiness she's craved and fought for for so very long.

I admire, love and adore her and she is my guide, best friend and the closest thing I've had to a mother in my life, and I am truly blessed and so very grateful to have her in my life. 

Words are not enough to convey how much she means to me but I do hope they convey some of my happiness and honor at being able to have her in my world.

You are stunning, so very inspiring and truly one of the best people I've come across in my life mama, all my love (and da stuffiness!!!) ❤️ 

Is it just me or does some days feel like nothing but effort and trauma when it comes to adulting? Like you'd rather be doing anything else and have to bully and force yourself to do the grown up stuff??. 

Not sure if it's a little thing or just a general one but I frankly find it exhausting to constantly have to put on my big girl boots and do the doing things. There's never a break, never a gap or breathing space, then i just get into a funk because it feels like I'm at fault for not being able to manage it well enough ??‍?.

Just a rant, it's not as bad as it seems but sometimes it's nice to just stop and not have to do anything am I right?

Have a bewtiful day and I hope its filled with rainbow bubbles and butterflies ??!