Dancing in darkness and solitude

jackdaws - I definitely understand. Even today I still obsess over every detail of every conversation, every word that I say, or intend to say. I often write entire chapters of replies to people, only to delete them and start again, then to only delete them and simply not reply. Growing up my parents were constantly fighting (still are), and I was always stuck in the middle, trying to get them to see that they were both arguing about something that meant nothing. I was the adult, while they were being moody teenagers. I learned very quickly to run every conversation through my mind before uttering anything to anyone. This often led me to simply not speaking to people, either through fear of upsetting them, or simply being tired of going through the same conversation again and again, to only come to the same conclusions because people just refuse to see what others are going through so much of the time.

I run every response, every possible line of conversation through my head with every permeation, to the point of being tired of the actual responses people give at times as I have already been over that ground. I also fear passive aggressiveness, it literally makes me anxious to the point of feeling like nails on a chalk board. It was always a precursor to violence, arguments, or abandonment, so it just gives me anxiety when people are like that.

I pretended, and still pretend to a large extent, that I am someone different, the real me hidden behind layers and layers of false masks, each built and crafted to hide my real feelings. I still have issues with being myself, there are very few people that I can be me around. I wear masks for even my most close of friends, whether that is for fear of rejection, for their own benefit, or because I know how ugly I feel at times and don't want to bring them down (their happiness being far more important than my own).

I have only been able to be truly myself around two people, they are the only people I want to be myself around. I deflect, I change the subject, I purposely move onto other things or ignore the conversations at hand, just so that the me that I am hiding doesn't upset those around me. I crave making people happy, I crave seeing others happy for things I have done. When I was younger, I felt sure that everything was my fault for my parents being so unhappy, it was my fault that they argued so much. I clearly remember each and every word of every argument that they had with each other. I remember my father saying "he's not my son anyway", despite me being his biological son. I remember my mother ignoring my crying as a child as she couldn't even face looking at me at times. All these things I remember. I remember the smell of blood, of burnt food, of tears. I am cursed to remember details about my childhood that make me sick to my stomach, but I remember them in perfect clarity.

I know it is silly to feel this way, but when my aunt killed herself, I blamed myself for it... I was 5... I couldn't have helped her more than I did, but I still obsess over that final conversation (which ended up being her last conversation with anyone), how if I had said something differently, done one thing a different way, forced her to listen, to see, to understand, that maybe she would still be here. It likely wouldn't have made a difference, she had severe Schizophrenia after all, but that doesn't stop my mind from obsessing over it even to this day.

Seeing others go through the same sort of things that happened to me as a child breaks my heart, and I want to reach out and tell you that you deserve so much better. That the you as a child deserved to play, to laugh, to be and feel safe, to be who you wanted to be, to be a Child... but I often cannot say that to myself, so my mind tells me that "how can I possibly help anyone else if I cannot help myself". But that is not how the real world works. You don't have to have succeeded in "fixing" yourself in order to help someone else, and often by helping someone else, you can help yourself, even if it's just a little. Sometimes, someone else's perspective can help you get past the block in your own life, seeing someone else who has been through this, and seeing a way for them to move forward, can help you move past your own blocks.

Coping mechanisms are just that... a way of coping. It doesn't matter if that is hiding away, locking your true self up, or launching yourself into projects and keeping your mind busy with other things, do what you have to do to cope. When you are ready to face that inner darkness, those scars left behind and what caused them, then you will face them, but you don't have to do that alone. Until then, cope. Those who face monsters every day knowing that when they finally fall asleep and wake up again, that they will have to face them all over again are heroes in my book.

This is a long and disjointed way of saying:
I am sorry that you went through this, I wish I could take all the bad, bottle it up, and smash someone over the head with it that deserves this, because you do not. You deserve so much love, happiness, joy, a safe place to call your home, and someone (or someones) to hold and be held by. Not the Holywood BS that they push, but genuine feelings of peace, love, and happiness. However that happens, I hope more than anything that you find it. You are important, your opinion matters, you matter. You are a beautiful example of how wonderful the human race can be, and nobody should ever make you feel you have to pretend to be anything else than you!

Little moon​(sub female){Not lookin} - I hope you know this last part applies to you as well yes? 🤗❤️

Cello Trance{for You} - For me, this was a beautiful and inspirational read a courageous person sharing some of their deepest thoughts and feelings. Thank you for every word. Blessings to you.

DarkNisha{Jackdaws} - I was going to add a long post to this but basically I feel the exact same. I overthink everything and then when I say something, I run it in my head later and think maybe I shouldn't have said that.
Most of my childhood was a lot of me questioning why I couldn't do what my brothers did, why was I made to feel like I was not worth it too. I felt lost, hollow and if I showed any feelings about it, I was told off.

It's really messed me up and I'm still trying to learn from it. The teddybears I had as a child and still have, they've been cried on a lot and have a lot of stories.

I really appreciate your post and think you're amazing.

I've met a couple of people who've inspired me and given me strength. I want to protect those that have suffered because of being treated like that. I tend to get very grumpy when I see people I care about hurt and hear stories of them having been hurt. I feel like I turn into a protective bee

Little moon​(sub female){Not lookin} - I am very sad and sorry that you have ever experienced this and been made to feel this way beautiful little bee💔. I too get very upset and extremely defensive of those I care about when things like this happen. Grumpy bees are the bestest😊.

I hope that in time you will come to understand that those feelings and things that were being pushed on to you were other peoples baggage to carry and not something you should bear the weight of any longer❤️‍🩹

Just keep being your beautiful wonderful self and know that you are loved and adored for all of you, and that no matter what other people think or say it doesn't define you🫂

Cello Trance{for You} - One of the things I have done as a Hypno Dom is to help people to slow down their thinking. Basically through trance , you can take someone to a place where they are able to experience, peace, and calm, and to not even think about the things that were troubling them. And then when you bring them out of trance, you make sure that they still have that peace and calm.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am not much of a Overthinker. I think as a musician, it's more like I feel things. More intuitive than overthinking… That being said I really admire very analytic people. I'm just not one of them.