Dancing in darkness and solitude

I was so torn up inside, fighting with me

Unable to sleep

Crushed by the weight of your indifference

My mind was suffocating me

Unable to escape, unable to flee

All the memories crashing in like a flood

A waterfall of us, cascading down

Down

Down 

Down,

So far down till it shatters below

And finally in the wreckage of us 

I could breathe again

I could see again

I was free to finally be ME again.

I thank you for the dissidence,

For finally allowing me to see 

What it means to be me,

And the love that I seek.

For your callous disregard

And the shallow version of what

A misguided heart is capable of 

All in the name of commitment and love.

I am no longer hung up ON us...

Instead I hung up,

On us, you and me-everything in between.

That restless howling, the crazy beast

Its gone back to sleep, it is at peace.

I've let it go, this haunting ghost, 

It's now free to roam, find a new home.

The breath in between

What was and will be,

The pause within words, 

Silence never ending.

I fell in love with the quiet,

In my mind, in my soul,

It's so much better then that fettered chaos 

Of struggling to let you go.

As the memories of us begin to drift away,

disappearing like clouds,

crashing waves.

All the doubts, sorrows,

that oh so heavy weight.

They disappear like shadows in the night.

I am at peace with myself, 

The broken promises, the empty lies 

It was never about me or us-

But about you and your disguise.

Too afraid to take it off and really be seen,

You didn't count on me seeing through it,

And now it scares you, the possibilty, the potential.

The calm before the storm, as I waited with bated breath, for you to accept yourself, to accept us.

The rejection I was feeling wasn't for me, it was for you, but I see now no matter what I do, you can't let it go and just be free.

I will set it free for you, and carry the memory of us and what could have been, proudly-with tenderness and love in my heart, the way it was always meant to be.

I surrender to myself and the love I have to give, it is there waiting, like the seed beneath the snow, till it feels the tender warmth of the sun beckoning it to grow.

With or without you this love will flourish and grow, because what you gave me is the space to set my roots, and the desire to rise, even if that means going it alone. 

And so she taught herself not to ask anymore.
Not to voice her desires, nor state her unease. The pieces that got in the way became her stepping stone as she lifted herself higher and higher, away from the stress, the drama and the pain. Gone from the issues, gone from the tension, gone from the dissatisfaction and unease. If he could not give her those things or be that person in her life she would be them for herself and be without him.
And in the end if that meant they didnt work out then so be it, that was the path chosen by him.
 

She gave you her all, mind body and soul.

But you just looked at it, smiled and walked away, trusting that it would still be there upon your return. But it can't and won't, dearheart, because without blood a heart cannot beat, without a heart the body turns to dust and once the body is gone the mind and soul disappear on their journey home. You were supposed to take her heart and be her blood...pumping through her to give her life and love. Now there is nothing but an empty shell.

If I were a plant, sad as it may be, at this point in my life I would be a cactus. No matter what the circumstances are I continue to fight and grow. Harsh weather, storms and drought. Lack of nurturing and blinding heat, sweltering in the sun and waiting for the seasons to change. This is what I am, but what would I rather become?

If it were a choice and the decision were my own, what would I choose and where would I grow? And in my life growing forward, what is each person bringing to my life/growth and survival. Do I need an anchor for my roots, or a rain cloud to give me water, do I crave nourishment from soil or do I need safety and Shelter? Or do I crave sunlight, warmth and affection? I need to rediscover myself and figure out where I fit in. 
 

Oh and was she a bewitching siren,
She sang and they came-indeed they came to their peril and doom.
But in her defense they would have survived, if they just listened to what she sang.

I fell in love with the way you smile
The look in your eyes,
The sound of your voice.
The way things seem to sparkle when you're around,
The way its all grey 

This is why you don't fall in love with people's  words or the fairy  tales they spin.

You dont listen to their story's, you watch the  path they follow

You see the road they walk, and you hear the way they talk.

You sit back and observe, and in this way you'll learn, truth from fiction, real from lie.
Through the words and actions your heart will decide.
  

If I am not worth the effort of constant communication and being treated decently then you are not worth my investing time into us emotionally or physically any longer. If you had to tell me something bothers or hurts you I wouldn't need telling twice, and I sure as hell wouldn't leave you guessing as to why I'm not worth the time and effort.

I will not be emotionally manipulated, gaslighted or ghosted and I will also not be ignored. I am a patient creature but I do not fight for someone's attention, and I will also not beg you to do things that shouldnt even be an issue.

If I had a daughter who was being treated the way you are treating me and us I would tell her to move on in a heartbeat, and for that very reason I will do the exact same thing for myself.

I will not be made into an emotional yoyo just because you can't or won't step up and make a serious commitment, and if asking you to do any of these things is being toxic then I guess that answer the question by now doesnt it.

I'm not a side chick, I'm not a diversion when you're bored and I'm sure as hell not an option to be kept on standby.

Whatever your issues or reasons are, man up and do the right thing by me or have the decency to break it off stop messing me around. This is a learnt behaviour and I will not 'learn' to cope or live without you because otherwise there is no value or purpose in our relationship.

In the end all you can ever do
Is depend on yourself
And believe in You.

Every once in a while you'll let someone in
And they will add to you, teach you,
grow you inside and out.

But you need to know when to let go
And what to hold on to
When to give and what to take,
The delicate balance of exchange.

It's not a given, its not a right,
Its a thing to be cherished,
fought for, sought out.

Its something to be earned,
Time and again
The constant choice to submit
Should be met with an equal choice
Day in and day out
To help one another shine and grow.

With my surrender comes the weight of all I am
To be carried on your shoulders
My freedom becomes your chains
To wrap and bind me to you

If I give you all of me, you need to earn it every day, with every action, word and gesture.
Time after time after time again.