Dancing in darkness and solitude

As I continue to explore and grow in this wonderful space I'm learning interesting and I must admit rather surprising things about myself that till now have only been white noise in my subconscious.

I am slowly coming to realize that I most likely have some form of Stockholm syndrome, have more of an hang up on the emotional/verbal abuse I grew up with than I realized, that the masochism plays a nigher role than I could ever imagine and that I really do not enjoy or do well with conflict.

Although these are to be sure some huge weaknesses to work on, I also wish to embrace them for what they are, strengths-As without them I would definitely not be this person I am today. I am strong willed, independent and (As I'm continually told by others) dominant and at times intimidating. I rely on no one and am capable, competent and confident that even when I don't know HOW, I will always do my best to find a way and MAKE things work.

Yet I will be the first to step back and let another take my place if they can step up to the plate and run with it, it's just been my experience that most can't, or won't, so I do what needs to be done. 

I've been told that there is a "little" inside me and perhaps that's also true, all I know is this is exciting and exhilarating and exactly what I've been needing in my life.

And I feel very happy and blessed to have so many people who can help guide me and teach me along the way<3

I find myself waiting, holding my breath and I'm not quiet sure for what. It's like a heavy cloud has crossed over me and I'm just so so tired. Listless-over it. It keeps getting harder to fight it, so much easier to just let go and not think on it. Just let it wash over me like a wave, dragging me slowly under. It's safer when you go under, the pressure is like a firm, calming embrace. The tossing like a rocking, the cold is not so bad, it's like how I feel inside, comfortably numb. 

I kept trying to escape, now I realize it's actually where I feel most safe. Not having to wonder or worry, not try to impress or vie for attention. So I'll stay here in this comfortable numbness, where no one else dares to be, here below with my darkness, my oldest truest friend. 

I sit here on the shelf, 

Just trying to be myself

I get picked up, put down

Moved around.

Don't fit in here or there, never really fit in anywhere,

There's no set or theme that I seem able to complete.

I long for the warmth and the touch,

But it never seems to come.

Just The callous disregard of rough hands moving me along.

Along that dusty little shelf, ah the one no one seems to love. It's been left to disarray, much to my dismay, as it and I are now the same, dusty and alone, perhaps a tiny bit forlorn.

But lo! I am not on my own, for this dusty shelf had become my home, and together we have seen and known so so many things.

So me and this dusty shelf sit together in wonderful silence, the perfect team,  so at peace and ready to once again be seen. 

Within the margins lies room for errors

The spilled ink holds your lies

The words that fall from tip of tongue

No one realises it's a trap.

Such a clever devising,

It gathers it's prey in sight

And piece by little taunting piece

It wrecks it and pulls it apart.

Unscripted and unwanted

but nevertheless unavoidabl

There is no denying it's call to all far and near,

Few remain immune, unmoved and unchained.

You were my addiction, I needed you like air.

Infatuation was too weak a word, love too meager to compare.

Till you disappeared, like an eclipse,

Your iridescence gone like a passing storm.

Now you have become irrelevant, tis such a sad yet beautiful thing.

No more sadness, no more musing, the ache is gone just like you.

And when I see you I still smile, because the love is never gone, but deep inside I know it's over and I've already moved on.

All I wish for you is joy and happiness, you're in my mind and prayers,

But I no longer need you anymore,

Because you simply cannot compete

With the peace of mind and tranquility

I've found inside of me.

I feel brutal, blunt, but with a definite edge.

Busy busy busy be,

Oh so busy but oh so free!

Inside out and up then down, running round to get things sorted,

While in this crazy head my thoughts race,distorted.

But I wouldn't have it any other way

Because crazy is my flavor and I love to play.

Making everything a little game, easy said easy done, tis why I'm normally having fun.

I feel brutal, blunt, but with a definite edge.

Busy busy busy be,

Oh so busy but oh so free!

Inside out and up then down, running round to get things sorted,

While in this crazy head my thoughts race,distorted.

But I wouldn't have it any other way

Because crazy is my flavor and I love to play.

Making everything a little game, easy said easy done, tis why I'm normally having fun.

It's strange how the thing that hurt you the most becomes your greatest strength and muse, and even now when he wants to have me back...there's no rewind, no reset.

You can't go back to what's already gone. You said I was too much, so I changed and turned it off, tuned out of my words and desires, tried to become what you said you want.

Now we're here where you wanted, only not together, but apart. I gave you what you thought you needed, and more besides, even though I know you didn't earn, didn't yet deserve that much of me. I was All in, everything, till you blanked me out, now your ghosting left you all alone, and I'm the soul at peace inside.

Now the words won't stop flowing, this voice inside won't stop growing, it's shouting let me out let me see, let everything around me just be. Like the flow of the river, I see you in the distance drifting away, and while I will always miss you, there is no longer anything you could say or do could make me stay.  

Oh but that wreckage

It was so very beautiful!

The fire as it burned

The darkness as it faded.

The deafening silence

Of me and only me

In the dust and ashes of what could have been

I rise again incomplete 

But oh so very free.

Never realizing till I found you,

The need driving me,

The reason guiding me

Never quite knowing that I needed permission 

Till you left me alone

And I was the only one left

To give it a voice

That's when I realized I had a choice.

Because before it was never allowed,

But now lo and behold I am no longer that child

Lost in the darkness, waiting in hope.

I now know I've climbed right out of that hole

No longer a lost child, voiceless

Though still alone, I shout it loudly with pride that I'm still alive 

STILL IN LOVE WITH LIFE!!