For those who tell you to use your big girl words, know that before this I never had a voice.
When told not to behave in a way inappropriate,
before this I never had a choice.
Never given the luxury of being allowed to speak my mind in a safe and emotionally open environment.
Nor allowed to voice my thoughts without verbal abuse or retribution.
I was punished for disagreeing, and then punished for agreeing and not standing up for myself.
Got a bloody nose for expressing my hopes and dreams as a child.
Went to bed fearful of being dragged out of beat and punished just because.
No reason or rhyme, no explanation or understanding of why. Born allergic to my mother and her physical touch, only for her to have a psychotic break and spend most of my childhood hating me with a venomous zeal and passion, inflicting pain, ridicule, corporal punishment, humiliation (and more in private) till I'd end up hyperventilating and crying hysterically.
In her mind she was trying to "save me" from the real target of her breakdown and emotional turmoil, but being a child I would not know or understand this till much later in my teenage years.
Then it went to the next extreme where she would need me by her side, helping her through mental break down after break down, a living breathing crutch for her as she navigated her own past traumas, personal loss and emotional chaos while I desperately tried to sort/fix/clean/care for everyone else in her stead.
She went from bitchslapping and bloody nose because I dared to voice a dream to insomnia, panic attacks 24/7 and clinging to me as a lifeline desperate not to drown. I grew up seeing my mother fall apart time again, too sick to get out of bed, unable to eat, wilting away.
This was greatly influenced by my narcissistic Father, who spent the whole of their marriage breaking her down and further into the darkness.
Every time a happy event occurred or special occasion came about that deserved to be celebrated it would be torn apart and ripped to shreds by that dark angry black cloud a narcissist carries around in their soul like their own personal firing squad, putting a damper on everything till they blow their lid with their brooding, ever present temper.
And all of this before the age of 10.
Do I tell you this hoping this will make me more likable or change your of me, um yeah no.
This is not to elicit sympathy, or regale with tales of woe and sorrow. If you don't like me all good. You don't KNOW me, not even by the breath of a shooting star.
I am a little/middle/brat and wrapped in to all of that a submissive soul at heart.
For all the bad and negative in my life (and YES there's more, guess what EVERYONE HAS A STORY!!) I am still incredibly blessed in many ways not to have been WORSE OFF than some of the beautiful souls I've known.
If my writings and the thoughts I share don't already vibe with you, filling in blanks of my history aren't going to do much to change that.
I am standing here waving this huge red flag around for all to see because I want to reiterate that EVERYONE (Including the most annoying and loud mouthed of us) have a story, a history and triggers, and even something as stupid and little as being called a name and being told fuck you can and WILL have devastating effects.
If I have a problem with anyone I approach them directly, if you don't hear it FROM me I don't have a PROBLEM with anyone 💕🌈 ( to each their own and to the Little's the jellybabies).
I have no rights or responsibility toward the "me" that you have build up in your head.
Stand back and look in the mirror before you put words of hate and belligerence out there.
Speak with a voice or reason and compassion before screaming and admonishing when you don't even stop to speak about the problem rationally first.
And I hope and pray that you afford yourself the same empathy and understanding that you afford to others throughout your days.
Through all of the past I have learnt to let go and not allow these things to define me or my worth. They still give me pause, cause me to hesitate and see things in different ways than most, but it is through eyes that know and understand rather than through a screen of pain and wounds inflicted by others. I will not give my time or energy to people who do not take time to get to know me and see me. And I will place no value in words of those who cannot say them to me, nor whose opinions I would not readily seek out in my every day life. It is no longer a question of if I AM enough, but a question of why I would not BE enough for those genuine enough to seek me out and accept me for all I am and will become.
Do not let someone else's small mind or angry words fill your heart with sadness or bring the darkness, remember that it is you and you alone who has control of your mind and thoughts, and they can only affect and manipulate you to the extent of you're allowing it to happen. Once you "see" something and understand it, you can move beyond it and let go. Or you can choose to embrace it and continue the cycle, if there is still more you need to see in order to learn and move on, in your own time and way <3
