There's a lot to be said for and about the Prodigal child. The problem is that when everything always falls to them and they keep pushing, trying...fighting with no respite or end in sight how do they hold things together and not allow everything to drown them.
It's common logic, everyone no matter how strong or independent, intelligent or courageous needs to take a break every now and then. Pacing oneself and ensuring that self care is amongst the top priorities sounds so easy. But it's a whole different story when this isn't something you've actually been taught and are clueless about. And then get lectured on endlessly by those around you especially when many of these failed to show or guide you prior to this before and now suddenly seem to want to prioritize. When you've always been pushed to try harder, do more, ignore the discomfort or uneasiness because ....needs to be done. And somehow you are the only one who can do it, it all just becomes a long list of non negotiables and tasks that need to be accomplished and achieved. For others.
I have learnt to step back, to steady my breath and take time for me. Give space for me, take my time and say no or maybe later instead. Still fighting off the constant guilt of not always being able, because when I was willing things inevitably got pushed too far and those driving failed to take note or accept when disagreement was voiced. This is how I learned to put my foot down. This is why I learnt to walk away, and put things in their place, this is where I will choose to from here on make my own decisions regardless of the discord and turbulence caused by it.
Because if I didn't start clearly no one else had before now stepped up to lessen the load or resolve the issues. Which is why I am now at the point of being so drained and depleted, so emotionally detached and distant that it feels at times I am barely even here.
So little by little piece by piece I put a stop to these things and started correcting the errors and flaws as they came, I put up barriers and boundaries and called out the things that didn't sit right or agree with my internal self and began to realign my balance.
The result of this has been a slow and deep resurfacing of past, melding into current and washing up memories and feelings I never even realized were there before, and like most other's I'm sure this has been a time of deep reflection and some deep heavy recovery from many a twisted thought and memory.
Now I need to figure out the best ways to grow and care for me. The will is there, the energy for now is not. It's so strange to see parts of yourself unravelling, seeing the raw and unfiltered bits and embracing them all, yet at the same time seeing others respond to them with less than stellar enthusiasm or like. As though something distasteful or disturbing is now before them and they’re uneasy around me because of it. I have often been told that I'm wonderful, amazing, caring, sweet kind-the list can go on and on. But yet there is to the darker sides of me that I know and accept. The bitchy heartless cold side that is cold and calculating, the emotionless part that picks things apart and analyzes them and puts them back together in bigger and more intricate pieces. This is the part others shy away from and where most of the problems and fights start. Yet none of the fights are from me, yet about me as soon as I stop being the prodigal "nice" child.
I guess in the end the best way to start would be one teeny tiny little step and build from there, so a list maybe and get the ball rolling from there...All I know if the mind is truly fascinating and its a wonder to watch how the subconscious tries to manipulate and out maneuver.
