*Disclaimer: Please don't think this is me being negative or seeking attention, this is purely my sorting thoughts and voicing my experiences to gain some insight/perspective.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I often sit and wonder how much of an impact male figures have in my life, or should I rather say a lack of male figures would be a more apt description. People often chalk up insecurities with men as Daddy issues and write off anything else associated with it as acting out or attention seeking, I know I myself have seen many females go to extreme lengths for male approval or attention because they lacked a suitable role model or father figure in their life. Many would ascribe that most Littles, Middles or Brats have deep seated Daddy Issues and are a great part of their intricate behaviors.
I can neither deny or confirm that to be the case in my life personally, I can tell you what I know about me and how the men in my life have impacted it in ways both great and small. I can tell you that my most favorite childhood memory is that of my father tucking me carrying my on his shoulders, or in a fireman's hold or how whenever he was actually home he would tuck me in at night, without fail, just so from head to toe, under my chin, stuffie beside me so the monsters couldn't get me. And every time I got out of bed he'd have to repeat the same process all over again.
I can also tell you that sadly these are the only good memories I have of him in my life.
Growing up with an abusive narcissistic is a strange and hard thing. There is always a shadow over everything, a cloud that clings like smoke and coats everything it comes across. It distorts things and changes ones perspective, gives false perception and can easily lead to one's demise if you don't leave the smoke in time. It can cause a great deal of trouble and damage even to those lucky enough to escape it.
I can truly say that I have had very few men that I can look up to that have not in some way or another tainted or tarnished things for me in inappropriate, volatile, aggressive, lewd and more often than not completely self serving ways.
I cannot say this of my brothers, nor my uncles nor my grandfathers. I cannot say this of my ex husband, very few of my male friends fall into a positive category either, and sadly my inner demons are all to happy to remind me that this may indeed only be because they've not yet had a chance to show these colors to me yet.
It comes to me in a very real and alarming realization that it's really and truly becoming a rare and hard thing to find a man I can actually look up to.
So I ask my self and my demons if I'm maybe being too harsh. Too critical in my assessments, and yet in the most primal and relative ways I can bring myself to think of the answer keeps echoing In a resounding no. It's not the little things that create the smoke, because until a spark takes and the flame catches there can be no fire.
Consistency and commitment have always been high on my priory list, and all the men who have failed in my eyes have in many drastic ways neglected these things.
What do I view as a man that I could look up to?
Someone who takes charges, fixes problems and leads by example as well as their word. Who create a safe space, for comfort and understanding, freedom to grow and learn while making mistakes without it being a crime or a sin to err nor something to be damned over. A man who practices patience and nurtures, teachers and guides with a firm yet gentle hand.
Not perfection, not even a superhero. Just someone who is there, shows up and for the most part does the right thing. Instead of waiting for someone else to, or standing there watching me step up when they don't or won't. Someone who gets things done and makes things happen instead of makes excuses or leaves things hanging.
So is it just my poor luck to have not had such men in my life? Is there a reason they are so few and far in between...I don't know the answer to that, I could only begin to fathom and guess. I know rationally that the men who could not be these things in my life were in ways missing them from their lives as well, you can hardly do/teach/give what you yourself don't have, and this makes me mourn the loss of what could have been even more keenly. Because so often I hear others rave about their wonderful ..... who had such a great impact on their lives and quite often those role models were men that provided steady, reliable and fundamental foundations for them to learn and grow from. If you had/ve such a person in your life I would truly love to hear how they impacted your life and what you feel you gained by knowing them.
The results of my encounters with most men leads me not to place of not wanting anything from a man which is both a wonderful and dangerous place to be because when you're coming from a place of want and not coming from a place of need it changes so so much. And I truly cannot recall the last time I ever needed a man in my life.
