Hmmm...
I know in the past I've made mention of the fact that before The Cage; I was working through some heavy life changes. Primarily - coming out of a very emotionally abusive relationship.
After the breakup, I evaluated and observed my past relationship more under a microscope, now that I wasn't tangled up with the relationship itself and I discovered a lot of things. Hurtful, painful, terrible things that should have never happened to me. Instances that should have never ever been a part of any relationship.
For my privacy, I'm not going to give out the grimy details on those instances. But, I will say they still effect me. Even today, as I am rediscovering my old self, and returning to the person I once was.
I wanted to make this post because, there is no "Instant fix" for it; there is no "Insta-cure" sometimes wounds take more time than others to heal.
I've seen a LOT of blogs on this site about people working through some very heavy, abusive situations. I post this blog in hopes to maybe help others. To show that they aren't alone, be them Dom/sub, Top/bottom, whatever. This is a snippet from my Diary I post in daily, that day... I had a meltdown. This is a place where I was very vulnerable.
My Dom had tried to get me to think, tried to encourage me to reevaluate some things, and maybe alter my perspective.
He accidentally pushed a little too deep. Peeled back layers that weren't ready to be peeled away yet.
Which, as a Dom, learning about their sub is something that happens in a relationship. Just as a sub learns about their Dom. Going in, peering at even the 'uglier' portions of another individual. Once I had snapped and melted down he bundled me up (so to speak) and pulled me back together afterwards and we worked together and discussed what had happened.
He apologized. That was never his intention to ever get me hit that line. Neither of us had any idea I would react so adversely with the lesson he had tried to teach me.
Nobody is perfect. No matter what they are in any form of relationship. Mistakes will always be made or happen eventually. (Even by Doms. They're still people too.) The biggest thing to come away from any mistakes - is to learn from them, and grow from them. This situation was an opportunity for both of us to grow together.
***Ash:“You learn something from every experience. Good and bad. What did you learn from your ex?”
auria: ---”Don’t trust anyone.” I replied in a snap.
Ash: “...If that’s the lesson you learned, then why are you here, talking with me then?”
auria: --”...I don’t know…” I began to cry.
Truth was… Thinking it over. I did know. I needed to think it over awhile. My outlook on love and hope is fractured.
I want it. I Want it so badly… It’s like drinking from the same glass that had been dropped. It can’t hold anywhere near the amount it used to. Part of it is jagged with needlesque points from impact and getting smashed. Other parts are cracked and webbed. You only have that one cup, hence why you still try to use it. You have none others. It’s damaged, it leaks, and threatens to fall apart more with any wrong movement or jostle. But you still use it. It’s all you have. You don’t get another one.
Each tentative sip from this broken glass I have I could cut my lips open, stab the corners of my mouth, even swallow loose shard of glass and have them cut my throat from within… Who wouldn’t be wary?
But, I still have that thirst and want to try and trust.
What happened to hope? What happened to love?
I had been betrayed by both. I had been so hopeful, I had given so much love… Look at where I ended up after 10 years of such? Hurt, damaged, and angry. Two things I worked so hard for/on- exploded back on me. Like they say; “Once bitten - twice shy.”
Thinking it over. I… Don’t think I quite believe in the concept of love anymore - or at least for right now. It’s a lie. A chemical imbalance in the brain akin to a mental illness.
Hope? I don’t put hope into things anymore because that way if things fall through? I’m not disappointed.
In fact. I brace for the worst case scenario or the hardest hitting thing; so I’m ready for it. It won’t hurt as much because I braced myself for the impact of it. It’s why I’m disgusted with myself for being in pieces like this from the wake of my Ex. He managed to worm his way in, I wasn’t braced for the impact he delivered to me.
I trusted - and I got 3rd degree burns from it.
Some folks might scoff at this. “Auria, That’s part of love…”
...Is it? Should love be an actual battlefield?
Casualties and fatalities happen on battlefields…
My poor Dom… He tried to provide me with this beautiful metaphor about how some things take more time than others. How that perfect person for me might take longer to find than others; which isn't a bad thing.
I felt resentful. 10 years I bled, fought, worried, suffered, and worked to try and carve my happiness. To make my niche! I only have gaping, festering, infected wounds to show for it. I asked no--… I demanded to know if he believed his own words, his own metaphor. Did he truly hold that metaphor near and dear to his own heart? Because I didn’t believe in it.
I didn’t have faith in that or anything right now.
I’m just here… Existing.
That’s all I have right now.
Ever calm and patient with me- he told me about some of his personal experiences that were like my own. That he very much believed in what he told me.
I see the gap now…
I’m fresh into these wounds, whereas he’s a veteran. We’re at two completely different points.
I’m scared I won’t ever end up at the same point he’s at.
I don’t think I am strong enough…
I have little to no faith in hope and I’m frayed and jaded on the concept of love.
He pried me open, slid his hand into the bloodied pus laden wounds and began to try and remove the jagged, sharp pieces of shrapnel that had blown back at me and pierced back into my heart and crippled it.
The flesh had begun to try and heal over those fragments of love and hope that had exploded back on me like the result of an IED on “love’s battlefield.”
He tried to pull them out, maybe even begin to attempt trying to repair that “cup” of mine that I kept trying to sip from…
I quaked and spooked. I snapped at him, I raised my hackles, burred up, prickled, bared my teeth, and I bit at him for the effort.
How is this fair? I cannot selfishly expect him to have to deal or work with someone so… Broken.
It’s selfish to try and depend on others to fix your problems for you. It’s wrong to expect anyone to bear this burden you have for you.
How can I cruelly string someone along with the prospect of loving them -- when I don’t even know what love even is anymore?? To offer them something so shining and beautiful when all I have left to give is something withered, mangled, and decaying?
I can’t…
I want it. I want it so badly.
I want it in the same way a child wants a mythical beast. Unreasonably and unrealistically.
Who am I to drag someone so open, ready, and stable into my quagmire of turmoil, insecurities, doubt, and strife?
I don’t ever want to drag anyone down into my pits of despair…
I wish I could say that, that’s all of it. All the damage laid out on the table to bare. But, I can’t. I know there’s going to be more I find as time goes on. More things I’ll have to try and repair and heal from when I find them/discover them.
I hate that my ex left such damage on me… In the beginning, I thought I was ok! I was stronger! I could do anything. I was free!
I’m repulsed at my own overconfidence now. I have no idea what I was thinking -- I wasn’t thinking.
I’m sorry to my Dom. That I can’t give him myself glistening, shining, and unblemished.
I’m bracing for him to read all of this and determine that I’m right; and politely duck out and leave. I’d understand completely. Too much is just too much.
I don’t have the heart to ask such selfish things of someone else. So the door is opened, and will remain open. If he goes, then I will accept it.
So this is me now… Limping, riddled in now weeping, reeking, festering wounds. Viscous trails of black blood and entrails dragging on the ground behind me. “Love like you’ve never been hurt!” I preach from behind my mask.
Yet, I too am another casualty from “love’s battlefield.” ***
After he read it, we had a very deep discussion. My wonderful Dom managed to soothe the hurts and aches as best he could over the internet, and we carried on from there.
These wounds are still healing. It will take time, lots of hard work, and patience.
It's ok to lean on others. As my Dom reminded me- we are not invincible. Nor are we indestructible. Wounds like what I described above? They will heal. It may not seem like it. But they will.
If you feel like you'll never find someone, or will always be alone? I promise, you won't be.
So please.
As my Dom asked of me - I will ask of others that may be reading.
Do not let the wounds and scars define you. Scars show that you've been through something, and you're strong enough to be here today.
For you are a wonderful individual; and you are something that someone else dreams of finding.
Good night, Cage dwellers.
-Chimera
