So the other day I wrote a blog about how I was ghosted, and it appeared that a lot of people were sympathetic towards me. But I also got the impression that there was some confusion as to whether or not I am a subbie. Maybe it's because I used the term "boo-hoo'd" and because of my overall sensitivity. But you know, this isn't the first time that people have picked up on my otherwise meek, modest, and childlike mannerisms. I love Minnie Mouse, stuffies, rainbows, bubbles, and stars. I have hella graphic tees of my favorite shows, music, and other 90s nostalgia. I love arts and crafts and I tend to be bright eyed, though a sourpuss when I don't get my way. And, I always respect my elders. Anyhoo...
Just yesterday I went to see the new Lion King. It was a premier event. I had bought tickets well in advance, picking the best house seats, right in the middle next to the ADA section. Strategic so I could have space for things like my jacket in case I got too warm or for my popcorn in case I got tired of holding it. I found that when there's no strollers or wheelchairs I get the row to myself, meaning I can move my arms in excitement and singing. I can also get to and from my seat easily if I needed to take a potty break. But let's be serious, I was not going to use the restroom during this film. I have waited for this moment and even wore my old faded Hakuna Matata t-shirt to the theater. I sang along to every original song (spoiler, they have em in there), tried to sing a little bit of the new Beyoncé spirit song, and even quoted original dialogue (sorry, another spoiler). It was an amazing movie and I cried!!!! So many beautiful cinematic moments, and so much nostalgia for me because The Lion King is my favorite Disney movie (though it's actually tied with the original Toy Story)! I was in awe the entire night thinking about what I had just experienced. An upgraded but still true to the original Lion King. Be still my heart!!!!
Anyways, I came home and began chatting excitedly and it just happened. I started out by saying how happy I was, but then I started on about something about the world being complicated. Sometimes my inquisitive nature leads me to ask a lot of questions, and sometimes the answers aren't ones I'm prepared for. Sometimes they're a lot deeper than expected.
Someone jokingly said they think I have a tiny bit of little in me. 😱 And so...I think that's something I have to come to terms with. One of those responses that was much deeper than expected. Anyone who knew me in the first couple of days that I've been on The Cage, might remember the line "I've never been a sub, can't fathom being a switch" being on my profile. They might recall seeing my parenthetical "female dom" snuggled up to my name. But, those things have been removed. I mean, removed a few days ago from my profile...not because of the "tiny bit of little" comment. I think maybe it was just a nudge from the Universe going, "Let's ease her into this. Shie's not ready!"
I'm not. I'm not ready to fully come to terms with being a switch... Let alone a little. And it's not because I have some less than favorable reservations about either of the two. But it's because I've NEVER explored either of those areas. If you read my first blog, you will see that I'm a spoiled brat! I always have to have my way and I'm a greedy munchkin. And so, in my relationships, I've been the one to lead and call the shots on ALL parameters. When I don't get my way, I turn into a cold hard bitch. And so, I think I've honestly always had the control that I do because people don't think to challenge me, and they don't challenge me because they don't want to see my bitchy side.
Only ever once, many years ago, there was a guy in the military who only called me over for his sexual pleasures. Though not lifestyle related, he was very assertive. He knew what he wanted and how he wanted it. When I came over, I listened to his every word and did exactly as told. When I left, I was filled with joy that I satisfied his needs. Annnnnd, although the relationship was strictly sexual, there was a daddy-like quality to him. One time I had got into a bit of trouble while out with friends and called him to pick me up. I was so ashamed. He gave me a talking to and punished me. I was not allowed to speak to him for what felt like a lifetime. But when that time was up, he reached out and I promised to never put him in that situation again. We lost contact and he only ever crosses my mind when I'm reminded of him. Last night I was reminded of the tiny bit of submission I had only experienced at that time of my life.
No one since, and no one before, had ever done that to me. Made me feel that way. Made me feel like I wanted to make them happy. But, many since have satisfied my needs and answered to all my orders/ command and made ME happy. I don't want to give that up. I don't like the idea of not being a Domme, but I might be able to reconcile exploring what submission is in me.
I'm a loving Domme. I'm a total sap. I highly consider my subbies' thoughts, opinions, and suggestions and I want them to feel validated. I'm also hella indecisive, so I almost always rely on my subbie to be able to think for themselves and for me. Interesting, because I like the aspects of 24/7 TPE, but if I have to paint my nails... It's like, their task becomes choosing which one of a set of 4 colors will go on my toesies. 🤭
I don't want to get rid of my power... What bit I'm holding on to. I don't think I will enjoy receiving orders more that I do giving them and the satisfaction that comes with that. I am also very assertive in the bedroom. I know what I like and don't like. And since that military man, there were other sexual relationships that made me realize that I don't like being told what to do. Maybe because their heart wasn't in it. Like, Mr military had me under total control. Everyone else paled in comparison. But I've thought about it. Thinking gives way to uncertainties and considerations. So all this is to say... I'm going to actively explore my switch side...a potential little side...just a little bit.
Thanks for reading!
