This post is NOT specific to long distance M/s, rather it is a broader and personal learning moment.
This week MstrJ and I have begun a new method of approaching O/our meditation practice. It originally began with meditation centered around visualization exercises until W/we discovered that MstrJ actually has a different internal world experience in which he sincerely lacks a "mind's eye"; he has Aphantasia. As a result, he literally can not visualize anything. So W/we moved to energy work. However for reasons which I won't detail here I had to ask Him to do self reflection and His own work on it for a year and a day before I could or would teach Him anything beyond that. (If Y/you know Y/you know, if Y/you don't then it doesn't matter.) In any case, He did do that work, and has been working on things for over 1300 days. I'm really proud of Him. Part of that work involved keeping a journal related to His practice. Over the years that journal has taken many forms, but as life tends to do, sometimes things stagnate or become routine. The practice and jorunal has done just that. So I brought a suggestion this week: that W/we pick an area of growth either 1 a day on a cycle as W/we used to do for the visualization meditations... or 12 topics and go after one a month. The way I suggested is that W/we would each spend part of the day searching for an image, a quote, a passage, anything about that topic that either taught us something or brought a perspective that challenged our own or spoke deeply to our thoughts. Once W/we found it, send O/ours to the other and then spend time reflecting on the one W/we individually found as well as the one the other sent. This kind of exchange of ideas can work to grow O/our own individual awareness, as well as help U/us grow O/our communication.
Well, one of the things W/we have been reading recently is Conquer Me, a book I'd read years ago, but felt strongly would be very positive for U/us to read together. Yesterday the chapter W/we read was related to the concept that some s types seem to revel in how "hard" their submission is, and how "difficult" it is to please their D type.. and then they question why they do not find fulfillment. Granted the author was not praising this mentality, rather discussing how when two are aligned it isnt like that at all. SURE there are moments of difficult sacrifice, but most times it doesnt feel like "loss" at all. I agree with that completely.
Two weeks ago when Master was headed out of this space and back to His own, he made the decision to hand me back some of the money I had given Him to take home and put into O/our savings account. (I live on a budget with the intention of sending money back to O/our bank account for plane tickets, needs that I buy and bring back with me, as well as savings for O/our long term future. He adds in every bit as much as I do and more.) So I love the moments I can say: Look how well I did saving these months! and hand Him some money to take back. I love those "good girl" moments. WELL, this time, He made the choice to say "Thank you, but this time I'd like you to keep these and I'd like you to use them where and how you need so this month is not tight. I want you to have a nice month with O/our daughter and I'd like you to know that you have enough to say "yes" not "no". That was incredibly kind of Him.
However... it took two weeks for my mind to catch up with His intentions. Sometimes I'm a bit slow on the uptake.... (no in reality, it takes me a minute to realign my mentalities when they are outside of the normal things that He has praised me for in the past.) I finally had my "ah ha" moment yesterday before W/we read. Yesterday morning I was debating whether I was going to go change the second $100 back into the currency here or if I was going to try to stretch everything I had to make it to Sunday. NORMALLY my "good girl" comes from being frugal. This time I had been thinking about a promise I made to O/our daughter that once a week she could pick dinner out. If I tried to stretch it... that couldn't happen. Then I remembered His words. Then I understood... He left that money because HE DID NOT WANT ME TO STRETCH IT. ... Respecting His wishes in that minute looked different to what I am used to. He made the choice to leave the money. Respecting Him meant using it in this way, not saving it. Saving it was contrary to His intentions. *alignment found*.
So I felt much better throughout the day. I was happy when school was out to tell her "hey, there is a sandstorm and it's 41C out... it's friggin hot and today was tough. You had two exams. Let's go get some ice-cream. Remember where we went with Daddy two weeks ago to try ice-cream let's go there! *actions and mentality alignment achieved*
In the evening MstrJ and I were excited to search for plane tickets to get me home for the summer. As He was out I was researching and I FOUND A THING.... and then I was biting my nails about bringing it up... I mean... it was a crazy opportunity... but at the same time it was more than I'd do for myself... I wrote it then I deleted it... then I wrote it again.
W/we were debating between a 3 day timeframe going and a 2 day timeframe coming back... and I found an incredible deal on one day. It was not the cheapest ticket though... but holy crud...
So the cheapest ticket was X ... and that was a 35 hour trip in economy. Cool. Expected.
Then I found a thing... I found a 21 hour trip on a day with a promo fare where they had a ticket in premium for LESS than the economy ticket on the same day. I was biting my nails about if I should even ask. I mean I don't NEED that. Had it been the cheapest ticket over all 3 days I'd have had no qualms... but it was $200 more than the cheapest... but by the same token it was $1000cad off of what it should have been! I agonized.
I had every reason I should NOT do it. When He got home He saw the deleted messages and inquired why I had deleted. That's never a thing. I don't delete messages.
So I told Him. He did the math and then decided that yes, this was the ticket that should be purchased. I would cover the base fare and He would cover the additional. His logic was that the shorter duration and the better seat would mean I end up arriving in better spaces to have an amazing trip not tired and sore etc. He had really understood the struggle when He did what I do this past trip. Often times W/we book my return ticket as close to my return to work as possible squeezing every minute of time together. As a result, a few times I've landed at 2 am, gotten back to my city at 4 am, and I'm at work at 7am. THAT is rough after a 35 hour trip in economy with long layovers in uncomfortable airports. I never complain... I do airports like a champ... but that doesnt mean it's easy! So His logic was "this is something I can do for you, and I'd like to do for you so that when you get here W/we start off on the right foot for the summer. <3 <3 <3
Still, it hit me that it's so much easier for me to accept the "no" than the "yes" when it's not something that passes my OWN judgment of "important" ... yuck. So I'm working on this mentality. Glad it has been identified... now to work on me and find the alignment which is more appropriate. <3
Thank You for patience with me when I get in my own way. Thank You for the ways You add value to my life. Thank You for growing with me and beside me and pushing me to my own growth. Thank You for saying "yes". Thank You for saying "no". Thank You for knowing that the yes and no is Yours to say, and both will be equally appreciated, respected, and obeyed <3.
I can't wait to see You on my birthday again this year! Thank You for my present! I can't wait to get You Yours!
~his slave Mikayla.
Random comedy... if you have never seen "Lucy Darling" you are missing out!
*eyebrow wiggle* Lucy Darling does do Edmonton pretty regularly. I'd be shocked if I'll ever catch a date I'm there... but You might want to watch out for it! T'would be fun to take Des to it! I l think she'd be absolutely up for it!