I've said before I can be a very silly smart person sometimes.
MstrJ is an opportunist, I've explained this before... but sometimes His wisdom just dawns on me and I sit there (usually have to sit down wherever I was standing) and just go... holy crap that was big.
I fit that really annoying trope of a girl with massive "daddy" issues. I don't think I've ever actually written about it, and I'm not sure that I'm going to go into any depth. Suffice it to say my father was a deacon in our church, was a very intelligent man, was very very well off. Hell, when I was 4 and he and my mom were picking our house he bought the "show" home from the developer specifically and intentionally because I fell in love with a train that went around the ceiling of the bedroom. He bought the show home with the requirement that the train stayed.
Sounds like a great dad right?
He took me to father daughter day at work. He was a helper with the girl scout troop and was the dad in charge of the camping trip where the dads took us "snipe hunting" (if you know, you know).
He also had a wicked temper. He cornered me with a belt to the face when I said I couldn't find the spelling word in the dictionary.... I needed glasses. I still can't watch that scene in Scarface because it was literally THAT... and I was 8.
I was in foster care off and on while growing up because of my mother's devastating spinal cord injury that left her a paraplegic when I was 5. She was ostensibly in the hospital and in rehab for 2 years and I bounced around between families in the church... I think I lost count and memory around the 7th family.
Mom and I moved back in together when I was 7 and back with him in a new state... and all was well for about 8 months. We will not be going into detail, but my dad had taken up being involved in "prison ministry" and thought it was a brilliant idea to host narcanon meetings in the livingroom with a para wife and their 8 year old girl. It went about as well as you can expect... and when I told my mom in broad strokes exactly how "not well" it was going she picked me up from school with the back of the van packed and we left.
We went to live with former church members (his old boss who was a BIG DEAL) their older high school age son and their young daughter... mom cleaned the house and I babysat. Soooo much happened that is irrelevant but suffice it to say my past is 600 degrees of "what the fuck" and might qualify for Lifetime movie rights. We ended up homeless in some truly truly epic plot twists... and stayed homeless for a long time.
I've lost my home and my "family" over and over and over again... to the point it's hard for me to value things. I keep a bag of my most important belongings which are never more than I can count on my hand. I never learned to rely on ANYONE, and that was completely logical.
So today I was watching an episode of Parenthood where Adam talks to Alex and respects the heck out of Alex's maturity. Alex notes that he had to grow up way too soon (something I've been told over and over but I frequently dismiss) and then he notes he wonders how he would have turned out of he had had parents like Hattie's.
Cue a random thought of mine and a lot of mental gymnastics which led me to think about how MstrJ really touched my heart last night. His family is hosting a family get together this summer that we probably can't attend. That's sad because we actually hosted the first family reunion and we had wanted to do it this year for that side of the family. He has offered me to go with his folks, but that would mean being away from Him, and I really don't want to do that. I mean I LOVE his family. I adore the hell out of his grandma and his aunt and uncle and cousin that I know. The cousin is literally one of my favorite people... and I really do want to meet the others... but I don't want to be away from Him.
Well, He was talking to them in front of me and mentioned "when you move here and I am your husband and our daughter is living with us" and I raised my hand and said "yes please!"
Every element of that is speaking healing to my soul for DEEP hurts that He is aware of. He acknowledges me in front of family. <<< healing.
He acknowledges plans for the future and commitment <<<< Healing.
He called her His daughter and means it. <<< Healing.
He wants me to be an active part of His family. <<<<Healing
Then my mental gymnastics ramp up... a lot of the poor decisions I made as a kid and teen were because I had attachment issues, both fear of abandonment and rejection of attachment (fucked up mix I know). These motivations underscored soooo much of my life. I thought back to that scene in the show and thought: "I wonder how I'd have turned out of I had had a parent who had helped me heal from all of that" ... then I stopped and reassessed "are any of my decisions right now coming out of those same unhealed places? .... Wait... healing looks for me like not having a deep pain release and a lot of tears when discussing an issue. As I thought through all of it, there were no tears. Holy crap... I am not having those tears when I'm thinking through all of this. So... no... I'm not reacting from a place of unhealed. Then more brain gymnastics... "if I had had a dad who" .... Then I turned His actions for the last 5 years over in my mind... and I realized... I have had a Dad who helped me to grow up without those issues. He just didn't show up when I was young.
I know I haven't probably explained anything useful in this post to anyone but Him... but suffice it to say: holy moley I see it. I see it. Your mission statement in life is to bring health and healing and I've got to tell You, You have done that in spades. I'm not acting out of a space of fear of abandonment or rejection of attachment. When I thought back through everything I'm NOT crying over any of it. Literally none of it. I could even think about the "can I call you Dad" conversation and the whole Sue situation and I did not cry. I'm not saying it isnt still a bit sore, it is. It's not completely done... but it's well on the way.
Thank You for wisdom. Thank You for all of the ways You have been and continue to be the single most healthy relationship I've ever witnessed. Thank you for patience in helping me learn to find healing. Thank You for helping me ensure that I never revisit that damage on "tootsie."
Respect and gratitude.
His slaveMikayla.
^^^ You do not even understand every single clip in this... I can tell you how he did EXACTLY that, and more. Like... I'm not even kidding, I'm the luckiest woman who ever lived to have been found by Him. I can't even say I found Him. He found me. It's literally one of 4 times in my life that someone else started it, usually I'm the instigator!
PS: To the person who liked my profile today... I'm actually impressed with your own. You are on a journey that I recognize. I completely and 100% understand the unique intricacies of figuring out relationships with Aspergers Autism as well as grey A. I wanted to shout out here and say: It's possible. It is very possible. I'm not saying it's easy. He is a literal angel on Earth, and I can not imagine every trying to find someone to understand how to communicate with on this level ever again. Pass. However, I swear, it's possible, and actually He prefers my style of communication because it is direct, because it is nuanced, but at the same time super logical. You got this. *thumbs up*