The second need that I identified was growth. I need to be able to grow beside and with my Person. I need my person to be a part of that journey. No, it shouldn't be all encompassing (yes, a slave retains individual personhood. I speak only for myself and my own path. This girl does not believe it healthy to erase the self. Some do. That's them, not me. For me, part of my slave heart means that I seek to be the very best version of me for my Person. It's a directed guided path, but it very much takes who I am at a core level into account.) Back to the point. For myself and my beliefs if a person or a couple stop growing then it's over; maybe not in the minute, but it is an eventuality rather than a possibility. Allowing it to be guided growth ensures that the couple grows in similar paths, and maintains and improves the relationship dynamic. His growth influences mine and informs it, but equally as often mine influences His (not directs or guides, but influences). THAT is healthy for U/us.
I find deep satisfaction in growing together. This summer I spent a good portion of my time working in *preparing* the space for a garden next year at His/O/our home. Nothing has been planted. Not one single thing. When I arrived this year there were weeds EVERYWHERE. I mean the whole darn side plot was a mess, along the back alley, and the fence on the neighbor's side... and out the back window everything was weeds. There was growth, SURE...but it was not the desired kind. There are these three beautiful HUGE trees. I love them. No four. Four big huge amazing trees. They are strong and taller than the house! (Bear with me, there's a point) One of them is a huge pine tree in the front, and a giant blue Spruce in the back. They are amazing, I'd never ever get rid of them in a million years! However, they took up so much space, and they impeded the use of a very big part of the yard because they had never been pruned. Underneath them was just PILES upon PILES of needles. So one of the first things I did was spent time lifting their skirts, raising the bottom line of branches above fence height in the back, and in the front enough so the window in the front was clear,but it still provided privacy from street view. We can see out, but the street would struggle to see in. This pruning immediately changed the whole experience of the property. It added a ton of useable space to the yard, light into the basement, and ability to enjoy the view. The whole rest of the summer I enjoyed looking out and watching the birds hide under the Pine for shade. I cleared out the pine needles, and next year I will plant there. Someday there will be a bench under the Spruce in the back.
The side yard I spent HOURS upon HOURS pulling out weeds on my knees, turning over the soil in my hands and breaking it up with a shovel to ensure that no sprouts remained... then covering it with landscaping fabric, and finally with help from his family we covered it with stones and took a useless area of the yard, an eyesore, and it is now a perfect carpad. I met so many neighbors who came over to acknowledge the work, and the improvement. Finally, HIS favorite good effort was the back alley. No one pays any attention to that area. It was this perfect line of weeds up to my knees. I did exactly the same as the side yard, taking time, pulling it all out, raking the big stones out, and all of the sticks, laying down a liner, and then per put the most beautiful stones out there. When it was done, we took a family photo. (We also redid the whole back fence by hand all of us together, but that's not part of this metaphor)... when it was done, His satisfaction was immense. We started intentionally walking out the back to the store, and returning that way. Every single time we came around the corner He made the same comment to the effect that that was damn good work. That His alley looked the best of the whole city. Despite His neighbors had a brand newish cedar fence on one side, and the other side has this very very expensive Vinyl fencing on the other side... but no one has cared for the growth... so from the inside it may be heaven in their yards, from the outside it doesn't compare. Next year there will be plantings there... some flowers that will be taller along the fence line, and a little shrubbery along the gate walk... it will be exquisite.
The weeds and overgrowth were all living, and growing... they always will be, but it did not add value. It detracted. The weeds were not contained, and they took over the underlying beauty. They made areas of His space unusable. Every single person is growing every single day. Before He met me I had had 34 years of growth. A lot of that growth consisted of thorns, weeds, and areas that definitely impeded functional use. Just like His yard, a lot of time has been spent taming those areas of previous growth. Just like a yard that needs weed control on a yearly basis (dandelions are a fact of life) so too will we constantly find the remnants of past unhealthy growth that needs to be managed, only then can planting begin. Sure, He had a vision for where He wanted that garden to grow long before any true work began, and He was sewing the seeds all along, but it takes time and preparation before you can get to the joyous and fulfilling work of planting those vegetables and flowerbeds. That's the EASY part.
I had a lot of weeds. I still do. I'm having to pause here to think of how I want to give a really good example or two. Sometimes I will come to Him and tell Him that I've found a thing I need to work on, and ask His help and guidance with it. Sometimes Life just puts it in front of U/us. Other times it is things that He sees "opportunistically" or organically that He can take advantage of. Then there is the part of Him that has the final Masterplan, that only He sees the seeds and the pruning of. I only get to notice when there are flowers appearing. I can speak to one of those.
Some of the weeks I am working to kill along the fence are a type of milkweed that resembles celery! It's a nasty bugger! It can sprout from any single cutting. It's roots are DEEP! It snaps off just like celery, so it's really really hard to remove. Our neighbor just flat out gave up after two years. She said "screw it!" and spent THOUSANDS of dollars to build HUGE planter boxes over top and fill those with tons upon tons of new soil because she just couldn't beat that damn weed.... and guess what?! Within 1 year it had grown up around the boxes and is dropping itself right into those expensive boxes... through my fence... into our yard... and strangling her vegetables. Her "fix" didn't work. (true story) I, on the other hand expect it to take three more years to beat the bas****. My plan is working. It takes time and a looootttttt of sweat, but it is working. I dug up a line about a foot deep along the whole fence and pulled it all out... dug down as deep as I needed to pull the roots out, and turned all of the soul over in my hands, handful by handful. .... then a week later I did it all over again.... and again... and again. Next summer I'll do it all over again, but I will put liner down about a foot deep and only put the soil I've gone through by hand back into it... and I will keep at it all summer. Then, hopefully, by the next year I will be ready to plant. It is hard, and time intensive, and labor intensive... but it will be so fulfilling! I had one of those monster pervasive weeds too. Abandonment. If there is one constant in my life from the literal age of FOUR it is the following "I will always be left. I will be "too much" or "not enough"... whatever... whoever... it doesnt matter, No matter how good I am, or how hard I try.... Even now as I wrote that I started to cry. That weed is deep. It's not up to Him to "fix me" He can't. Neither can I. However what He can do is help me be on the lookout any time that weed pokes its head up and starts to grow to help hand me the shovel and root it out. At first it seemed impossible, I'm sure. I had a past relationship (scratch that, past relationships plural) tell me to fix my own sh**. Not that I ever asked their help, but I do not hide my struggles. No none was ever willing to do the work of standing beside me while I tried to root the weeds out, instead, like my neighbor they tried to build atop the weeds.
Sometimes the ways he helps me tackle the weeds is really really REALLY subtle. It's that Masterplan that I don't even notice until a little flower peeks out. At one point this summer I sat on His lap and hugged His neck and told Him about one of the flowers I'd just noticed. Usually around the halfway point of the trip I start to feel anxious and sad about the end. I know it's coming and I stress about whether or not it will ALL end. It's one of those roots of abandonment... but this time it didn't happen (not until the VEEERRRRYYYY end, but it had nothing to do at all with abandonment, and everything to do with loss of time, affection, physicality, and connection. All very real things, not the roots of weeds) It took some self reflection to ask myself why was I not seeing that weed pop out, and it was in direct response to an action He had taken. He had found one of the VERY deepest roots, and it was completely gone. I hadn't even known it had BEEN a root... only in its absence, and the effect of its absence was it felt.
He had taken care of a very real need of mine; to open a bank account there so that I could begin to save money for life there. He had done so on His day off, without my ever needing to ask. He had seen it, foreseen it, and provided for it. In so doing He had taken a very real step in making concrete strides towards O/our future. He had completely dug out one of the deepest roots of my abandonment weed (maybe more like 5 of them) all at once... and as a result He had silenced some of the loudest voices in my head from my past...
This is just once example. He teaches and guides me every single day. He has taught me how to use my voice and have it be seen as passion and compassion rather than be misunderstood as anger. He has taught me more than I can express about acceptance of the self and other. He has been the most pristine example of self control... this man has the patience of a saint! He has taught me about conflict management and effective communication. He has helped enhance my self esteem and my confidence in myself as a parent, as a partner, and as a teacher. He has taught me to listen to my body, and to work with it rather than against it. In addition to all of the weeds He has helped tame.
We don't go to workshops as much anymore, but I know there will be time someday.
Thank You for being my constant and ever watchful Gardner, inspiration, guide, mentor, Maker, and Master. I know that there is still much work to do, thank You for all of Your time, energy, and thoughtful diligent effort.
please listen to this first one...
~His slaveMikayla
