Taking a break for the needs series revisited to address something that has been on my mind today. This is not in response to a question directly asked of me, but rather as a response to a question from my own mind. It’s something I’ve not tried to put into words, but it would be good and right for me to do so. For myself, sometimes self-awareness is better achieved when I push myself to explain something in writing.
I am monogamous, it is something that I am very sure of. It is how I function best. My partner is not. He is ethically non-monogamous; that’s not the same thing as having an open relationship. It is something W/we have discussed throughout our relationship on a continuing basis. It’s not a once and done conversation. People change and grow, and it’s important to check back in with ourselves about our needs, desires, motivations, and priorities as those things can shift and change. So we talk about it. Throughout the course of our relationship I’ve moved from identifying as ENM myself, to being very comfortable in the fact that, nope, I’m monogamous. It just works that way for me. Throughout our relationship He has refined His wants and needs as they relate to this topic, and the thresholds of involvement He would need to be ETHICAL about it. Those are His to share, if He so desires.
So WHY would someone who is monogamous be in a relationship with someone who is ENM? Aren’t they just setting themselves up for negative feelings and disappointment? That’s what I’d like to write about today. I’m going to preface this by saying I’m only talking about myself. I’m not discussing anyone else’s feelings. I don’t claim that anyone else would agree. Honestly, I don’t discuss this with anyone else so I wouldn’t presume to know.
So I’ve got to start with why did I explore ENM for myself, have I ever been poly, and why do I consider myself monogamous now? I have actually been in a number of poly relationships of varying depth and commitment. At one point I was in a VERY serious poly relationship to the point W/we were looking for a house which would suit everyone’s needs. I’ve also been in very casual poly relationships where the intention was NEVER to move to real for real 24/7 life. The common factor in all of those relationships was that I was NOT the first or even primary partner. I was someone brought into the relationship to fill a very specific need or void. The primary partner was always aware and comfortable with my presence and involvement. I have never been in a poly relationship where I did not have direct communication with ALL partners to be sure of this. I have also always had a rule for MYSELF that if the primary relationship was in jeopardy; I’m out. Bye! I’m not a home wrecker, so fix y’alls issues. I’m not the baby born to save the marriage. The only one time that I did not follow that rule was emotionally devastating for all involved. That’s because I DID make that person my primary and sole relationship… so when the first relationship hit the rocks and he dropped me like a sack of potatoes it was really really detrimental.
In those relationships I was truly ENM. I had other relationships which folks were equally aware of and supportive of. Everything existed inside its own little box, and everyone was respectful of the various boundaries. At one time I had a husband, a Daddy, and a Sir. Was it complicated? Yup. Was it fulfilling? In its own way, sure! However, as I’ve grown I’ve also realized something about myself, I deeply desire to be “all in” and when I’m “all in” I can’t reasonably and ethically commit to more than one person. Someone will always fall by the wayside, and THAT is unethical. So I have come to the conclusion after much self reflection and self awareness that I, for myself, at this moment in my life and development am monogamous. It’s how I do relationships. Cool? Cool.
Now why in the world would I be with someone who is ENM? Why wouldn’t I “hold out for” someone’s equal full attention?
…. Because I don’t need to? Because I understand on a deep level that just because someone has love for, care for, responsibility for, desire for someone else has nothing to do with their ability to love, care for, hold responsibility for, and desire for me. Because I deeply completely understand that so long as my partner can be ethical in alllll of that, and is capable of truly filling my needs (NEEDS not wants, NEEDS) and prioritizing my NEEDS …. And if He is capable of doing that for someone else too (and truly meeting her needs, wants, desires, being responsible for and caring for her) then… why would I need to stand in the way?
I like friends. I’m a great friend. One of my greatest driving needs in life is to see my person happy. I do not have the need to be the only one to make Him happy. Actually, I think that’s shortsighted, but I also admit that that’s judgy. Maybe there are people who can be the forever and ever 100% be all and end all for someone with no other need to communicate with anyone else. Cool! I’m sure if we were stuck on a desert island We’d be more than happy too…. But we aren’t stuck on a desert island, and we both have lots of facets of our personality, so for me, I’m completely fine giving Him space to hold love, care, concern, responsibility, and desire for others… and it doesn’t hurt me one bit. Actually, it brings me peace! If I’ve got responsibilities to handle I’d rather NOT feel like I’m letting him down and he is bored out of his mind waiting for me. That’s a lot of pressure! “Hurry up! He’s waiting!” Nah, he has a full life. He loves when I’ve got my full attention on Him…. But at the same time, when I’ve got things to handle at home whether we are together or half a globe apart I know he is not annoyed sitting there looking at the clock.
I know for darn sure that when we have time together, he is prioritizing our time, because he values it every bit as much as I do. He shoes me every day that I am held (see the previous needs posts and those to come).
Would I feel “more” loved if He “picked only me?” … I dunno. I’m not going to lie and say that I do. But what I know is that I don’t need it. Because I don’t NEED it, then we get to prioritize His wants, and that’s a great thing. <3
Thank You for being trustworthy, open, honest, self aware, and above all respectful. <3
~His slaveMikayla.
PS... there are a slew of benefits to a Partner having another partner... but they completely and totally depend on the specifics of the situation. I wont go into it now, cause well... there isn't anyone else *yet*. I have hopes, but I don't get to or want to place my own thoughts on that, cause it ain't about me. What I CAN guarantee is that He would never be with someone who doesn't deeply comprehend all ^that. It's all about respect, care, and self awareness.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qm15xdZOxbk&pp=ygUjbm90aGluZyBpbiByZXR1cm4gYWxhbmlzIG1vcmlzc2V0dGU%3D
