I have a useless superpower... I can take a licking and keep on ticking.
When I tell even small parts of my life to people they have pretty much the same reaction: YOU NEED TO WRITE A BOOK.
MstrJ's reaction is a bit different: "That can't happen... then YOU"
. He's heard it all, I think, by now... and He's seen enough of the first hand proof to know I'm not lying about any of it.
The result of this insane life is that I can walk through fire and keep going. I have PTSD, but very few people see it. I have Anxiety... but it's under control and if you told anyone around me they would laugh and say "no way!"
I have a superpower... I compartmentalize like a boss. I put these things into a box and stuff it high on a shelf where I can't get to it. Then "out of sight out of mind." It's not an unhealthy thing in most cases. Yes, we all know the adage about not dealing with things and bottles and corks; but there are some things you just can't deal with. You simply have to keep on walking.
The thing is it's also a useless superpower when it comes to drop. It's a counterproductive superpower when it comes to D/s and M/s especially O/our kind. I can't put Him in a box. I can't put my feelings for Him in a box. I can't put the ache of missing the shit out of every single thing about Him in a box. I can't put the hole that is EVERYWHERE in a box. I used to try. I think I actually did at one point and how He had patience with me I'll never know. This year I've vowed to myself and to Him not to do that, not to wall off my feelings for self preservation's sake. I'm not talking about Love or Respect or Dedication... I mean the longing for Him. Today I'm hitting it HARD.
I do not want to be here. I hate everything except my kids. I love my students, and I love my career with a passion. I have a damn good reason for being here, and I make a difference. It would matter to them if I didn't come back. I have 5 kids who are staying in school just for my sake. This year the Senior class will be different. They are the first group that I have a personal relationship with, and they are excited to see me and be with me. I adore them... but it's not even close to the hole that is EVERYWHERE.
Nothing feels like Home. When I walked into His space again it was immediately *sigh of relief; HOME!* When I walked in this door it was "where in the hell am I?!"
When I lay in my bed the emptiness is like the Tardis, bigger than it appears.
I walked down my street the first day back and walked in the raw sewage that has been an issue for literally 2 years, looked at the buildings which are basically spackled together, the trash in the streets, and the looks that I get from people and the smile that has been plastered on my face for 65 days was immediately erased. I've got a headache so bad from the constant pressure that is my mind and my head and the frown that I can't seem to do anything about.
I have reminders of Him everywhere, don't get me wrong. He makes damn sure of that. Every stitch of clothing I wear has come from Him, whether bought by Him or picked by or with Him. Every single piece of food I've eaten since I got back has been cooked on or in equipment that I came back with (There's a strong possibility that I'm the only person in this country with a CrockPot... you can't get that here. I've no idea why). I sleep wrapped up in the fuzzy purple blanket that was my birthday present and it still smells of Him and U/us... He is everywhere and yet His absence is more present. My superpower is useless, and counterproductive. I would not trade it for the world though. I accept this grief this longing for what W/we have, and I know if I'm feeling it He is doubly so. I know I've got O/our daughter. I've got hugs from my kids. I've got cuddles from her. He does not.
For now, this sucks. I know it will get better, but in the meanwhile I just need to acknowledge it and allow it to suck instead of compartmentalizing it. It won't kill me. It won't even damage me in the long run, so I'll let it exist.
I'm sorry that my life choices made this separation necessary. I'm sorry that this is the way things are. You deserve (I don't know the word. Better isn't it... different?) I just know that I have no way to thank You for patience with this, for accepting me and this situation. For viewing me as worth it in the long run, for waiting for me. I do not take it or You for granted.
~His slaveMikayla
