Fuck me I am so fucking tired of the whole fucking subject.
Yes, this is going to be yet another in a very long line of humorous musings about kink shaming, probably the dozenth one already posted today, all about how somebody made a stank face because they didn't like what gave someone else an erection, and how dare you expose me to it, and ewww poor fragile me because it's awful and icky.
But this time it happened under stranger than usual circumstances, and as the sole arbiter of what is sexy/bloggy I decided to plant my flag on the barely attainable high ground and use my chosen platform to rant about it.
Hereafter, at least for the duration of this post, kink shaming will be referred to as KS* because as much time as we spend droning on about it, launching strikes at it, or trying to defend ourselves against it, it really should have it's very own capitalized abbreviation. Like DDlg. Or GERD.
(*Not to be confused with SK which is the German death metal band Skunky Kunt that KB turned me onto recently hahah!)
In this case I was not directly involved in the KS and I don't actually know what happened. The two people at the center of this travelling circus told 2 people, and they told 2 people, and so on and so on and suddenly, before anyone could say "Faberge," the story had reached my doorstep. (Another vintage TV commercial reference. It's 1984 old school but still feels, y'know, fresh.) It was about the presumed not-niceness of a Dom based on his profile which had been misinterpreted by a overzealous, easily-angered sub.
I will not give the names of the 2 founding members of the band because it was their conversation and I don't want to mischaracterize them or their opinions. Plus, it was a disagreement about a profile and I really don't give a shit about something as meaningless as a disagreement about a fucking profile. We fill them out and we read them so that we can decide if we have an interest in the person behind the picture, not to confer sainthood on them.
IMPORTANT! - It is crucial at this moment to mention that to the best of my knowledge, during their exchange explanations were given and apologies were accepted. The conversation was ultimately very cordial, both players turned out to be very cool people, and the two said goodnight, each having come to respect the other's point of view. Awesome.
Please keep in mind that this is a wash, rinse, and 3rd person repeat account of the conversation. My understanding of it is as follows:
A Dom wrote a rather pointed and not very timid profile clearly outlining his greatest fetish: training subs who want to be broken, abused, and remade "perfect" by himself, all the while being used for his enjoyment and at his whim. Ok, I guess I can kinda see the allure of that. A sub then read it, didn't like it, and she fired off a solid condemnation of him and his point of view, calling him and his profile "disgusting." Her opinion was that he was one of them instas that has no knowledge or respect of the lifestyle and community.
Hers is an easy reaction to understand, and his (unnecessary) explanation was that having that sort of dynamic with that sort of sub is his biggest fetish. And it is interesting that, according to him, he has had many subs "Love" his ostensibly "disgusting" profile, and contact him with interest. I believe that because during my time in our community and in rl I have met enough people to know that it is not only possible, it is also not uncommon.
His profile was obviously not constructed at Build-a-Bear, his particular D/s style isn't really my ish, I've never read Insta-Dynamics for Dummies, and thankfully they got it all sorted. But if we are to say that KS is unacceptable can any of us truly have a problem with any profile - even it does come off as insta-dumbass as his?
Doesn't what she did count as shaming?
And if we go around balking at the things we see here, bitching about how one member fails to live up to our self-imposed standards of Domsmanship, or how another member falls well below even the lowest expectations of acceptable subbishness, aren't we judging their dynamic, and therefore their kinks, and shaming them in exactly the same manner that we hate when it happens to us?
Because if we are then I suggest that the templates for every profile and blog post, every forum, message, chat, and Bond, should prominently feature this warning sticker:
!CAUTION!
The following might hurt your feelings.
Maybe even real bad.
Continuing past this point indicates that you are a consenting adult who has already agreed to accept that risk, way back when you checked the box next to "I am legal, now let me in so I can get my kink on!"
If you do not agree with the above statement then immediately Stop, Block, and Roll.
(And maybe fuck off a little while you're at it.)
YES, I know there is a very big difference between KS and plain ol' not wanting to jump in someone else's bouncy house. I used to be a very active supporter of the "no kinks left behind" movement but lately I've kinda started to rethink that. I believe that sometimes it is actually overtly dishonest (and more than a little dumb) when you opt to switch from "Wait - you like to lick your own butthole? That's totally gross!" to "Uh oh, I don't want to threaten your already weakened sensibilities so instead I'll qualify that with 'unless its a fetish in which case I'm all for it' even though it's still totally gross."
YES, another option is not saying anything at all but if someone asks me if I like to lick my own butthole I'm probably not going to say "Sorry, no comment."
One is the truth, one is a lie, and one is conspicuously evasive.
Ok, I really don't give a fuck about anyone's opinion regarding my fetishes, or if anyone tells me they're gross. I'm ok with them, I own them, and I'm not ashamed. For now KS does exist, but hopefully someday no one will ever feel such a thing again.
And in the mean time none of us should ever forget that the Block button is right there begging to be pushed, and "go fuck yourself" is a mere few words away.
