I know the Cage is a kink site and we come here to experience BDSM in a safe and private manner with others who also want to share these experiences with other human beings. I know this site is supposed to be like an island where you can let your freak flag fly, so to speak, at least that's how I see it. Friends, I've got no kinky feelings today. I've just been feeling blue. No energy. Blah. Kaput. I usually can get aroused when I start writing my erotica and thinking of all these power-play scenarios in my head that I'll probably never write and that makes things more exciting for me, but man today, has just been like...nothing. I know, I know, you'll probably say, well everyone has their ups and downs. And you are probably right. I think I'm afraid that depression is starting to grip me hard just like my mom. I actually have a few doctor appointments coming up, one being with a psychiatrist. My most recent depression intake with the nurse practitioner said that I scored high on moderate to severe depression. I told her the truth. I didn't want to cover up my feelings. I told her I think depressing thoughts on most days. I am honestly glad I did that because now I can get the help I need. A long time ago my mom told me that she thought I always had depression and there was a time I was taking medication a long time ago for that but I stopped on my own. I didn't believe her at first because she is bi-polar, has tried many suicide attempts, is manic-depressive, and has a lot of health things she suffers with. Perhaps, since she had dealt with it for so long, she recognized it in me and now that I am a mom, I understand how we see issues in our children that they cannot see in themselves. Also, I mentioned this before, but my partner is the least supportive person, ever. In my profile, I've mentioned how he is a narcissist and I believe this to be true. He cannot face feelings. He thinks feelings are for weaklings. He things people fake depression and other mental illnesses so that they can get help from the government or sympathy or whatever. I don't give a shit what he thinks and I think he is wrong for even thinking that, but it doesn't help my case because my lack of support from friends and family is what is probably driving my depression further. Also, since I'm going deep in to my life story, my dad was a gung-ho Scientologist. Scientologists hate psychology. They hate psychiatric medication. It's kind of funny that he ended up with my mom though, because she took all kinds of medication all her life and still does. They are not together anymore though. There were a lot of times though that he tried to get her to see their (Scientology) way and have her believe that because we are all spiritual beings, medication is not required as we can heal on our own. If you ever seen documentaries on Scientology you know that they are bat-shit crazy and a very manipulative cult. (I'm looking at you Tom Cruise.) Anyways, the reason I bring it up is because I think I internalized these beliefs and thought somehow if I just did things the natural way, like taking vitamins, going to chiropractors, acupuncturists, exercise, and always thinking positive, my depression would be cured. Sometimes, it doesn't work that way. I mean, of course all the things I mentioned are great and beneficial, but sometimes people need more. And that's me. I need more and I've been denying myself help for a long time. So, sorry if I came across like this character today.
