-
Blogs
blah, blah, blog
Thanks to IngΓ©nue{CΓrdan} there is a recent spate of blogs in THE CAGE, written by males... mostly "Dom males." my first thought is they are not so much suddenly sold on the idea of blogging as they can't resist their instinctual (natural?) urge to rise... to a challenge? Time may tell.
i get to proudly declare that with >360 forum entries (many lengthy), i'm not among the non-writers in the cage, but this is my first blog. Apparently to some, it's 'different for girls'? Pause for musical interjection: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNzzK1dUtCI
As a gay sub i have often wondered if my love of, and propensity for, writing has something to do with my wiring? Is it because i'm gay and it's a result or expression of my feminine side? But then, that stereotype unravels for me because it turns out i am just as frustrated as many women are with their straight guys, by all the gay guys who don't 'blog' (read: "open up and talk about their thoughts and feelings").
Ever that analyst, i have come up with all sorts of reasons for that.
1. Blame the patriarchy. Lol, no really. Cliche aside, i think there is some truth to putting at least partial blame on engrained (patriarchal) cultural conditioning that has trained boys from birth that they are different when it comes to stuff like having feelings and expressing thought and feeling. An irony is how much of that conditioning comes from women (mothers, aunts, teachers) who have internalized patriarchy also conditioned in. i am convinced that a lot of internalized patriarchal influence still flies under the radar, even in a more enlightened era.
2. Biology? Neuropsychiatrist and writer Louann Brizendine has authored two books that look at our biological/brain wiring: "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain." On page six of her book "The Female Brain" she notes: "Under a microscope or an fMRI, the differences between male and female brains are revealed ot be complex and widespread. It the brain enters for language and hearing, for example, women have 11 percent more neurons than men. The principal hub fo both emotion and memory formation-the hippocampus-is also larger in the female brain, as is the brain circuitry for language and observing emotions in others. This means that women are, on average, better at expressing emotions and remembering details of emotional events. Men, by contrast, have two and a half times the brain space devoted to sexual drive as well as larger brain centers for action and aggression." Note: as a scientist, i think Dr Brizendine may overreach a bit with her conclusions, but i think she raises points for further query? She also promises to write a book on "The Gay Brain," which is also different in its physiology.
3. Given the prior two points, i think most men may be handicapped ( both by nature and nurture) when it comes to emotional communication? Which is not to say guys cannot do it. Check out the percentage of authors and screen writers who are men? Which is not to excuse the crime of sexism that has limited female contributions, but to note that it is entirely possible for men to learn how to know and express things like emotion. It may take work, but i think men can learn how to communicate things like emotion, their inner self, even if it doesn't come as naturally to do so.
i was an avid reader as kid. i sensed i was different from most boys and learned how to hide very early on (five or six years old retrospectively). It took till i was about 14 to bury myself for survival. i grew up in a conservative religious household, just to add to the fun and help bury more parts of me. But even as a kid i can remember how frustrated i'd become with my dad, trying to get him to open up and share himself. We didn't do a lot of talking or sharing in our family, so books became my best friends.
Later on in life, i realized that i had developed people reading skills in order to satisfy my need for communication and connection in a family that did not use words. One thing i learned was how a side effect to being in an environment where words were used minimally to communicate was the notion and expectation that others were people readers too. Turns out that people reading can greatly enhance/supplement communication, but on its own (without words), is horribly inadequate. As an aside, i wonder how many guys are stuck in a place where they assume (unconsciously) that people/mind reading is an adequate thing? That people know more about them than they have actually revealed?
i began learning how to communicate when i married. Initially i would get very frustrated with my wife, assuming she knew how i thought or felt about a thing, even though i had not adequately communicated. i'd actually get angry with her, assuming she was toying with me. The funny thing is, i quickly surpassed her when it came to communication her once i realized i had to use words.
Turned out i was less afraid of being open and vulnerable, and the tables turned. With me it was ignorance that kept me from communicating, with her it was fearful hiding. So, a word of warning to the self protective out there looking for communicating mates, be careful what you ask for.
2 years ago. December 14, 2021 at 8:56β―PM
i grew up in a religious fundamentalist culture. While Webster gave Christianity ownership of the label "fundamentalist," i've learned that Webster might have been ethnocentric. For instance, there are fundamentalist Muslims. i think fundamentalism is an absolutist position, i've met what to me are fundamentalist atheists even. The more i've looked at it, the more it seems to me that fundamentalism is mostly an absolutist stance, where one is convinced they have arrived at the 'truth' of a matter, with no room for doubt. It can be particularly strong when one is convinced they have 'God" as a source.
i see absolutists everywhere, like in discussion forums here at The Cage. It's not all that hard of a mode to slip into, i find myself having to edit stuff i write with qualifiers like: "i think," or "i believe," reminding myself i could be wrong. Absolutists make an unequivocal comment and if someone posses a different idea, they often often pounce explaining how and why that person is wrong, often with a superior air. i've never once seen what looks like an 'absolutist,' back down, or sincerely admit they might or could be wrong. i think that an absolutist looks for security in being 'right,' more than in content, and to admit being wrong makes them feel insecure. They seek refuge in 'the truth,' vs the pursuit of reality.
i don't think it's possible to engage an absolutist. Their only goal is to teach or convince others of the 'truth' they hold to be self evident. Convincing another is self affirming. Not talking about people who are confident or who understand debate. i think confident people can easily admit when wrong because they are open to seeing. i find that people who "know" they are right do not listen or hear other views on the topic they "know" about. They don't need to listen, they already know, so trying to engage them is an exercise in futility.
i don't try to dialogue with an absolutist. After years of trying, it seems to only poke the bear. If i encounter an absolutist in forum, i don't ignore them. i read and consider what they write, but i don't try to engage with someone who is only there to regale with their wisdom. i don't try and engage someone who is wired with a vest bomb.
