I've been stuck self in self quarantine for a bit. Completely socially isolated and just distant from everyone end everything. I may have Covid so until my test results return I wont be able to return from work. I haven't logged in in a while I think I find it very difficult maintaining online relationships or friendships. But I really want to try. I have no idea what I'm doing but we'll see!
Why I don't care much for the phrase "good girl".
I think it's the norm when your sub/pet/slave is being well behaved and obedient to use the phrase "good girl".. I'm not writing this you drag the phrase, in fact I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE feeling like a good girl. Let me start off with a little insight to my work day so you can see where I'm coming from. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, it's aware that I'm a bit of a workaholic. I thrive in my workplace. I truly believe that I will not only succeed but I would excel in anything I put my mind to do. Tonight was no different. I'm a cook ( though I'm really an artist at heart) and today we got rocked I can hardly feel my feet. I didn't have time to eat. And apparently I'm rhyming. I'm the smallest person in the kitchen and the only female. (Off topic but I'm bragging) anyways after 4 straight hours of getting f-ed in the hiney with only myself and my manger in the building he pulled me to the side and told me how impressed he was with my work. He thought I was surely going to break but that I had surprised him. THAT to me felt like I had been pet on the head and told I was the best girl ever. It felt like a flipping high and I was giddy the rest of the shift. (I hid it well but I wanted to jump up and down like a school girl, maybe clap my hands and do a little dance) I earned that praise. I worked my behind off for it. It meant something.
Ok with that being said here's why I don't feel that way towards the phrase "good girl". I have recieved too many messages in the past where Doms would say it without meaning? For example, someone would ask me for my favorite color and after answering they would say "good girl"... Why am I a good girl? For telling you my favorite color or because my favorite color is yellow? Is it possible you also liked the color yellow and that made you believe that I am a good girl? You hardly know me. What if I like the color yellow because it reminds me that one time I saw a yellow school bus run over a little old lady and her new born kitten on their way to donate blood to an orphanage? I could be a sick human being. I did nothing to earn that phrase. And I feel like many Doms know it's a weakness for subs so they look for any little excuse to use it. That's like knowing I get sexy when you touch my leg and so you touch my leg every chance you get. It starts to lose its appeal, frankly. I'm not bashing the phrase at all but it would mean SO much more if it was used at the appropriate (or inappropriate times) and if it was truly earned in my opinion.
So I just wanted to say something about sending out messages that just literally are disrespectful. There was a user who sent me a message asking me what I was doing. The next message he sent me was if I shaved my P*ssy. Y'all are aware that regardless of this being a kink site we all expect and deserve respect right? I'm referring to people who think those messages are ok. Like dude.. That's creepy. And not in a sexy way.. What I replied was this "Interestingly enough I actually have a penis but thank you for asking. So considerate of you to worry about my hygiene. I also might add that I have a person and that you don't know the first thing about me to be asking questions about my body. It's disrespectful and thoughtless. And frankly just fucking gross. I wouldn't come near you with a 10 foot pole buddy. I wouldn't even spit in your direction".. A bit much? Maybe.. But something very few people have seen is that I can be a real butthole.. And some people just bring out the worst in me. Anyways he blocked me lol which of course is not surprising. But I did want to vent a bit.
I have 3 wonderful sisters and 1 baby brother (he's an adult but he's still my baby brother). I love them all to death but there's one sister in particular that tells me often that she can't do certain things because of the way her partner will react. This is where I'm going to start my fucking rant and be warned, I'm about to get reeeall sailor mouthed on this post.
A little backround, I was in two very abusive relationships. 9 years total of abuse. I know about abuse.
There is a fucking difference between fucking bdsm and consent and plain out disrespectful disregard for your boundaries and limits. That also goes for vanilla relationships. There are many forms of abuse. Firstly he manipulates her and guilts her into doing things she doesn't want to do or into not doing things she wants to do. When you are TOO AFRAID to say NO or ANYTHING to your partner because of how he'll react that's ABUSE. Let me give you an example. Billybobjoebob wants you to suck his dick and you are quite frankly not in the head space to give head. But if you say no Billybobjoebob is going to say no to giving you a ride to work as revenge for not sucking his dick so now you feel like your only choice is to say yes. You know this because he's done it before. If he can't accept no without later punishing you for it he's taking advantage of your vulnerability. That's not how being a partner works. Bdsm or otherwise. A true good Dom and partner who gives a shit about you and your well being will respect your boundaries and won't push the limits without your consent! And fear is not a consent. Unless fear is your kink. But that's a different conversation. Now let's go to guilt. When my sister wants to go on a girls night out with me he guilts her by saying "Did you forget you're a mother or do you just not care about our kids" FIRST AND FOREMOST MOTHERFUCKER she is still a human fucking being and you get to go out as you please whenever you want as often as you want. From a bdsm standpoint let's say you don't want to have a threesome, let's say you don't want to have sex, let's say you don't want to play today but he or she guilts you into it by telling you you're being a bad pet/slave/sub/girl/boy and you don't respect him or her as your Dom and that must mean you don't love him or her. IF THEY CAN NOT RESPECT THAT YOU MAY OCCASIONALLY NEED A FUCKING MINUTE TO RECOVER FROM THE SHIT GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE WITHOUT ADDING ONTO IT IT'S ABUSE.
Now the more obvious abuse is physical abuse correct? My sister's husband/partner has yanked her around a few times. He's much larger than her. But she refuses to acknowledge it as abuse because he "only did it a few times" and "he hasn't done it again since then". Lemme tell you something. I have been physically abused. I'm ok with talking about it. He was 6'2 and I'm 4'11. 75%of the time he was just throwing me around like a rag doll. He left grab marks on my neck, arms, legs.. Everywhere he could. But then after a while the throwing around became more. Even if it hadn't become more it was already abuse. I endured that for 9 years total.
I talk about this because I didn't know. For a long time I didn't know I was being abused. I didn't realize how scared I was of this person that I loved. I didn't know until I left and started having nightmares about them holding me hostage. And she doesn't know either. I talk about this because.. it hurts to think no one is talking about it. No one brings it up. It's such a taboo subject and considering many would consider this a taboo place I figured why not post this here. When you're doing things or saying yes or being punished and you're uncomfortable about it and they won't have a conversation with you about it or won't respect your boundaries. When you give consent out of fear or guilt you're not giving consent. When they can't be wrong even when they are wrong. They do not care about you. They care about what you do for them. Don't get me wrong I am very self serving. But not at the expense of the people I give a shit about. I would never ask more of my partner than they are willing or comfortable giving. Thankfully I was able to get out and I can recognize the signs in others now. I am lucky to have my boundaries respected and to be able to voice my opinion so loudly as I often do. But just because I'm not going through it now doesn't mean I'm going to stop fighting for those who are
Week 1 of many
Every Sunday I will be writing and updating my blog in regards to how my relationship is progressing with My Person. This week was a bit off for us. We had complete opposite schedules and were only able to video chat maybe once. Talk one the phone maybe twice. But I always ended up falling asleep. I know.. But I have to be up at 6 every weekday and I work doubles on Fridays and often times Saturdays and his schedule is not any more lenient. I do appreciate the moments I get with him though. He is sweet to me and right now this is what we can afford so there's no real point in making a fuss about it. We've discussed a schedule, one he's modifying and adding to. Wednesday will be spanish day where I sing him a song in spanish haha I think he really enjoys my singing even though I sounds like a dying cat. I suppose I'm his dying cat. Even though it's been a weird week I am not any less determined to proceed. I know who I am. I accept myself for what I want and I will not be side tracked. I am still willing. Still Eager. And still here.
Yesterday Love and I made things official. He is now my Dom and I his sub. Though in all honesty I was not expecting or looking for things to really ever become anything beyond friendship. We kind of just fell into things. He was never anything but who he said he was. There was no push. No pressure. We both just happened to be going in the same direction at the same time. And it's nice. And it's scary. Considering I've never held anything concrete in over a year. And I've never held anything bdsm wise really ever (outside of play and failed attempts) I still am full of self doubt. He mentions things like how the things I do seem more like self sacrifice and not things that I do because they make me happy. But I have never been with anyone that I have not sacrificed myself for. I am not saying that the things I do don't make me happy, but given the option I likely wouldn't do them on my own. To me love is sacrifice. Isn't it? It is nerve recking trying new things I've never tried before but I am eager regardless. This is to me a mission to complete. And I love jumping ober hurdles. Proving my worth through hard work and sacrifice.
I will not run towards the butterflies
Whose wings flutter in the wind
For I have met these creatures before
And what they bring
is not a gentle breeze
But a thunderstorm
I will not leap into the arms
Of person who makes my heart skip
This thudding in my little chest
That grows louder by the second
It is not a song or melody
But a warning drum
Screaming "BG, run"
The feeling of drowning
Feeling the pressure around you
To be better
A better daughter
A better mother
A better believer
And a better person
Only to have yourself, inevitably given into the worst side of you
so it hurts even more
knowing that you drowned for nothing
The feeling of sinking
After you've already drowned
so you're going to hit rock bottom
and that's okay
you've been here before
it's familiar, almost like a second home
to the doubts that became truths
and what could you do
when there was nothing left to do
The feeling of defeat
Truly overwhelming, I must say
Even worse than drowning
There is no floating to the top
No swimming to the surface
There's no air
Except for in the bubbles escaping you
The last bit you can give
The last fight you can put up
And then there's the feeling of relief
when you close your eyes
and accept
that life was headed nowhere but here
so why fight it now
you cave into your worst self
you accept her with an embrace
and you start to see the surface
but you're going too fast and that's okay
The feeling of spiraling
You're a hurricane
Raging through the water onto
land
Throwing, Tossing, Running, Flying
And no force in this world can stop you nor would it dare
for you are vengeful and angry
and suddenly you're not
You look around at the dismay
At all the pain
And once again you get the feeling that you are drowning
but instead you land
Your feet on the ground
You begin to rebuild
To pick up the pieces left
The broken bits
You come to the realization, finally
That you should have never let yourself sink
Or spiral
You should have swam not swarmed
For this is not who you are or ever were
But you decided to give into
The feeling of drowning
I painted something I thought y'all might like. It is not me in the painting and I don't know who the photographer who took the picture that I used as a reference was so I can credit them but I hope you'll enjoy regardless.
I'm not very good at people and hands. It was my first (but not last) attempt at something like this
So many people with stories
Gushing over songs
Reminding them of their beloved
Raving over them
In admiration
"I am head over heels"
"My one true king"
And I felt sick to my stomach
Thinking I would hurl
If anyone bought me flowers
I'd rather be shot in the back of the knees
Than to coo over someone
Like a raging lun
Mid thought, I stopped myself
And realized it was me.
My version of loved that was fucked
Not theirs
The version where I crave it
But push it away
The version where I'm thrown aside
Instead of held close
The version where I think that's normal
It is me and my version
That are so completely and so utterly
Broken
Almost irreparably so