Letters from the Edge of Tolerance

Life has never been easy, and I would not have any other way. I grew up in a extremely conservative household. Sexuality was not a common topic. And talking about sex or kink was a no go. So from the time I was about 13 when I realized that I was a sapio sexual with many kinks like the occasional cross dressing. So that manifested in the form of me having to hide it. Well when I finally got found I got sent to a sex therapist because My dad couldn't accept me. 

Later in life I finally found a wife which I was a diehard Christian or so I had thought. If you read my blog you would know that said ex-wife had cheated on me with my father which is its own long story. Now when that relationship ship ended I went soul search and redefined who I am. I was 24 when I finally accepted who I was. And I proudly live it now. My dad on the other hand hates it, and I could care less.

Never the less, life has never been easy for me. The saying "The struggle is real" is very appropriate for me. But it isn't like I am not trying. Because you must try, try again till you succeed. You must learn from your failures. 'fail fast, fail forward" just because you fail does not make you a failure. Thomas Edison failed 1000 times before he succeeded. He stated "I did not fail 1000 times, I learned 1000 ways not to make a light bulb". With out struggle there is no progression. And with our progression there is no advancement. 

Time is the only constant it is ever marching and unyielding. So remember all you have is the now, so do what you desire and be happy. Fighting to succeed at your goals.

Im in a mood, I want to drink till I'm stupid and can forget, but at the same time I just want to be loved, what the fuck is wrong with me. 

Current theme song

Fear not death, for the hour of your doom is set, and no one can escape it

 

If you read my blog, thnx, but today I want to speak my mind yet again.

I have for the longest time, Yearned for a battle. Not just any battle, a duel, between warriors to the death. As the Vikings say "Better to die with honor, than live with shame" I have always wanted to die, but I want to go out with glory, so that I may walk the hall of Valhalla with my ancestors. but yet, that has not come to be.

The gods have deemed that I am to live even after my enlistment. So here I am, waiting for my glorious final day.

How does one know you are alive? 

"I think therefore I AM"(cogito, ergo sum)

--René Descartes

To validate that one is alive, I mean you can go physiologically and that's a pulse and warm body, being capable of free thought.

But is that really life?

What then is a life worth? Does it have weight? Is it valuable? Can it be used? There is so many aspects and attributes you can tack on to that.... So are you ALIVE? Why?

Life is a glorious thing, we strive for happiness, though it evades us for the most part. Why then do we stiggle so hard for a emotional state? Why are we wired to seek it so instinctually that is becomes a incessant desire built upon the constant pain of previous failures?

What is it that makes life wonderful, joyous, happy, and glorious. There areany things that can be attributed to this, pain, hope, faith, failure and success, love, etc. And each holds their own meaning depending on who you ask. Life is existance and existance is pain. It is simplistically that, yes there is more to it, but think about it. For there to be life, it has to exist. And if it exists, there is some sort of pain associated with it.

The human perspective is broad and all incompasing you can't simplify it into just a few words, I understand that. However the human condition is in essence existance, I think therefore I am. 

Life is a long journey we strive for happiness, and more often than not seek it in others, but riddle me this how can you make someone else happy, if you cannot make yourself happy? If existance is pain and life is existance, than by that logic life is pain, yet that is not exactly the case, now is it?

Upon thine tide time flows unyielding and ever marching, strive not for things unobtainable, let ye seek the pain of eons past.

Brought to you by the mind of a psychotic sapiosexual. 

P.S: When asked what is wrong with me, I always respond with. "The better question is what isn't wrong with me."

So the best way to start this off is to give a bit of a diagnosis, most people don't talk about this kind of stuff because it's a "touchy" topic. But I, at a very young age; 8 years old; was diagnosed with the following:

• Self anihilation disorder
• Obsessive compulsive disorder
• Attention deficit hyperactive disorder
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Insomnia
• Intermittent rage disorder
• Dyslexia

And recently I have had these reconfirmed and the list added to:

• Manic depressive disorder
• I do not have panic attacks, I have a more severe version known as manic attacks. Basically I have to calm myself or I will have essentially a heart attack, so I take Ativan
• Flashbacks (thanks army)
• Legally deaf, even though I can hear; most of the time.
• Acid reflux disease

And the list goes on for a while, but after years of treatment and working on myself. I have learned to manage all of this without medications. 

Now everyday I spend ten minutes convincing myself that today will be just like the rest, and it's fine for me to continue living, and that's it is not ok to be a mass murderer( just kidding there). No I actually have to give myself the will to exist daily. And reaffirm to myself that suicide is for cowards. 

After that I pray for 20 minutes at my alter, the I go on about my day. From there just before bed I pray, squaring away my mind and soul, and hope that I won't wake the next morning. When I enevitably do I repeat the process. I plan to live my life fully enjoying everything that makes me happy.

I often just sit back and think on things, pondering different decisions and what I can learn from my past. During these time I have come to a solid conclusion, and bringing this up with other individuals fitting the criteria of this opinion, I'd like to reach out and gather a bit more info for this thought, to see if I can come up with at least a few more days points to add in.

I believe that there is a 20 year gap between generation X and generation Z this twent year gap begi ing in 1980-2000. Those individuals born I believe fit into a general guess. Those of us born in that gap have ended up with the mental problems of generation Z but the mintal moral and high self standards of generation X. 

To specify a little further, in the 1940s to the 1980s a 4 bedroom house on some acreage cost under the $100,000 mark. However do to inflation, and supply and demand, that cost has gone up quite significantly. Now there are too many morals and expectations to list them all. But it can be summed into a few sentences.

To make it by comfortablely you get a 9-5 job work 40 hours a week, and that is for the man to provide for their family. You buy a house with a "white picket fence"; cliche as it may be. When reality kicks in you have to realize that now that isn't exactly possible anymore.

I am a paradox. 

 

I never wanted to exist, yet here I am. I won't kill my self because it is a coward's way out; I have to convince myself of that daily. I grew up as the unwanted child. The youngest of eight. I spent most of my child hood days in and out of mental institutions. Where they threw the book at me for diagnosis' . And when I wasn't there I delt with mental abuse regularly. My father told me regularly. " I jacked off in a flower pot and your mother kept watering it till a blooming idiot came out. And that's why we have you."  It wasn't until I was 26 did I finally tell my dad that I was a sapiosexual, and I had to explain what it meant. The at 27 he met my third boyfriend and cut ties with me. Not to mention at 21 he stole my wife of two years.  

I can honestly say I am a paradox. I suffer from self annihilation disorder, depression, PTSD, flashbacks, and severe anxiety. I have ADHD, ocd, and dyslexia, and just slightly autistic, not on the spectrum though, just behavioral patterns. 

I go to bed every night praying I won't wake the next day, but when I inevitably do, within 10 minutes I fit my mask on and act as if nothing is wrong because, there is no therapist who honestly cares to listen or even help. But hey I learned how to cope, or rather I had to If I want to stay away from mental institutions. I mean the whole reason I joined the army was on a hope that I would be KIA but the gods had other plans I guess. Cause I got blown up twice, and all I have to show for it is steel wires holding my knees together. Not much to show off... Even during my service no one really cared more than they were expected too. But such is life an unyielding ever marching force.

Tell me then for a man who has no desire to exist, but has the ambition to run his own company. And continues to exist dispute the desire not to. Why keep trying? 

I'll tell you why. My life is filled with those who doubt me and my abilities. I live solely in spite of them, I strive to achieve the things the told me I couldn't.

And despite all that, I AM A PARADOX. 

And as a friend told me " You are a demon of a million masks, behold before me is a shattered man. A man who is empty, but whole." 

Life is no more benign than it is volatile,

We make our way everyday just forcing a smile. Love not what is lost, for thine cost is formidable. Wither not ye hope, for the yoke is yet biblical. 

Even through our endeavors, never hath we ceased our efforts. We hide behind placid masks, afraid of what might happen next. Why then do we try so long, is it because of a unknowingly familiar song? Or do we crave the gratuity of others, just to satisfy our shutters. Is the throes of sanity too lucid, or is reality too lucrative. We hide ourselves behind a mask of lies, who really cares what's behind our blue eyes? 

This is but a banal way to think, for even a lucrative poem such as this may be. It suffers a point that we all fail to see.

I ask you now do you see the careen or is it to painful to be serene. Life is but short, though our minds may contort. We hide ourselves from the demon within behind a mask of smiles. 

This peom is more of a way to clear my head. My mind wander more the it should, it leaves me tired and world weary. I know just how unrelenting and cruel the world is. How lacking in kindness and sympathy. The game fallout had it right, "War never changes" what better way to describe life? I can rant and rave, but it will never change the loathing and self hatred I have for myself. Try as I might, there is nowhere to hide. Someday, maybe, I can forgive myself, and accept my demons. Alas today is not that day, thus I shall continue to exist, without my consent.

(Not a cry for help just getting shit out of my head, try not to read too deep. Trust me you don't want to)

Somedays I just sit back and ponder my choices, was what I have done worth it? Am I a decent person? Why do I keep moving onward in the enevitable ever marching stream we know as time? Is death what I truly desire? What meaning is there to this cycle of my life? Why did the gods send me back? Will I finally have peace?

I often have many question and quite often know my answers to them. Now, don't get me wrong I am neither perfect nor a total Narcissus ( yes I spelt this right look it up if you need too.) And I am by no means suicidal. I do however crave and want my death, though I will fight to keep my life. For those who are spiritual, I am a modern druid who follows the Norse/celtic pantheons. And know that I am a very old soul. Though I am almost certain this is by no means my last cycle. Though even at my young age I do find som joy in my sardonic jokes, though not much. 

Life has become quite bland, be single, find a lover, search for happiness, be courageous, do this and do that. Why? Why are we so phycologically programed that our lives become so.... Monotonous? 

Why is it that some of us have become so obsessed with what's trending that we are unable to see what is right in front of us? Has our lives become so pedantic that we can no longer survive as social creatures? Or is it Taijin kyofusho ( fear of offending others)? 

But in the end I come to one conclusion, it is easier not to waste time worrying about conflict, or interpersonal disputes. The question I am still finding my answer to, the conclusion I have come too. How can you make someone else happy, if you can not make yourself happy?

It's not a rant, it is how my mind works, it's easy to seek what makes you happy, money, drugs, girls, ectetera, ectetera, ectetera. But all that is temporary, and thus can only provide so much enjoyment. The bigger question is: What is happiness? Now scientifically we all know it's just the good ole pheromone dopamine, however that's not what I am asking. Think more philosophically. What is happiness? How does one obtain it, without material possessions, or relying on someone else. How do I make myself happy? How do you make yourself happy?